Tuesday, April 15, 2014
"Little Book of Big Enlightenment" Up at Apple, Barnes and Noble, Kobo
Animated projects and indie book promotions. Between the two, I've had little chance to post for a few weeks. Before I go further, I hate formatting manuscripts for publication. What a boring pain! There. I'm restored.
The Little Book of Big Enlightenment is parked over at Smashwords, unavailable till May 9. However, you may pre-order a copy today at Apple, Barnes and Noble and, for my non-American chums, Kobo. Get a jump on your reading peers before this astounding faux New Age book, written for the broadest of chuckles and telling you how to become spiritually enlightened in no time whatsoever, goes live on Amazon. And not just whopping monstrous Amazon, but all affiliated Smashwords sites such as the aforementioned Apple, B&N, Kobo plus FlipKart, Scribd and more. This humorous eBook will be spread across the Web like strawberry jam upon wheat toast. (A breakfast favorite around here.)
That was very sales-like and exhausting. Thank Heavens I've read The Little Book of Big Enlightenment and have sufficient serenity to withstand all contingencies. Well, most contingencies. Let's say a few contingencies and an unexpected bump or two not to exceed three per month. Then I grow sullen and overeat.
Sunday, April 06, 2014
Ark Royal Review: Book Moves at Light Speed
Ark Royal by Christopher Nuttall
My rating: 4 of 5 stars
In the 'what happens next' department, Christopher Nuttall plays a winning hand. His tale of aging interstellar war ship Ark Royal pressed into desperate battle against invading aliens is a page turner.
His characterizations, however, draw a blank. The Captain is hardly creditable as a drunk of many years who attempts to set aside the bottle because "he must." Having some experience with drug addicts and alcoholics, the Captain would've died years earlier from a corroded liver. And no amount of duty, honor, humanity, would have stopped his descent.
There is an anemic love story and personalities you sense you've met over and over again in books and film. The news reporters, for the most part, are caricatured so broadly as to be cartoons.
But for all that, I read the story straight through, eager to learn the fate of Earth and the Ark Royal. I was reminded of Tom Clancy's Red Storm Rising, a techno-military page powerhouse with thin characters that also gripped my attention.
If you like your space war fiction at a rapid pace, give this one a try.
View all my reviews
My rating: 4 of 5 stars
In the 'what happens next' department, Christopher Nuttall plays a winning hand. His tale of aging interstellar war ship Ark Royal pressed into desperate battle against invading aliens is a page turner.
His characterizations, however, draw a blank. The Captain is hardly creditable as a drunk of many years who attempts to set aside the bottle because "he must." Having some experience with drug addicts and alcoholics, the Captain would've died years earlier from a corroded liver. And no amount of duty, honor, humanity, would have stopped his descent.
There is an anemic love story and personalities you sense you've met over and over again in books and film. The news reporters, for the most part, are caricatured so broadly as to be cartoons.
But for all that, I read the story straight through, eager to learn the fate of Earth and the Ark Royal. I was reminded of Tom Clancy's Red Storm Rising, a techno-military page powerhouse with thin characters that also gripped my attention.
If you like your space war fiction at a rapid pace, give this one a try.
View all my reviews
Sunday, March 30, 2014
Beneath the Willows: Excellent Short Horror Story
Beneath the Willow by Gemma Farrow
My rating: 5 of 5 stars
Gemma Farrow's undead offering is a short, well-written story about the triumph of hope over reality. Thomas wants life back as it was before his beloved girlfriend, Keziah, was attacked. And now, in dreams, a strange figure describes for Keziah certain actions that Thomas must take on her behalf. Devotion wars with truth. Will she again be the girl he loved or something quite different, quite frightening?
Farrow's pacing and sharp focus kept me turning the pages. Characters were, for the most part, well drawn. Give this short story a shot.
View all my reviews
My rating: 5 of 5 stars
Gemma Farrow's undead offering is a short, well-written story about the triumph of hope over reality. Thomas wants life back as it was before his beloved girlfriend, Keziah, was attacked. And now, in dreams, a strange figure describes for Keziah certain actions that Thomas must take on her behalf. Devotion wars with truth. Will she again be the girl he loved or something quite different, quite frightening?
Farrow's pacing and sharp focus kept me turning the pages. Characters were, for the most part, well drawn. Give this short story a shot.
View all my reviews
Thursday, March 27, 2014
Jury Doody at Smashwords
Smashwords now hosts Jury Doody. Scroll down the page past my interview with myself and observer the pretty purchase icon.
Friday, March 21, 2014
Comedy-Mystery Banana Bamboozle
Cassidy Dunne is out to solve a mystery. The only problem is the disorganized personality of Cassidy Dunne. Did her niece survive a fire? Can she save her best friend from ruin? Is there enough candy to sugar-rush her past life's bumpy spots? Find out more in this comedy-mystery by author Becky Clark with help from Ted Hardwick.
Ted and I did improv together back in the day and the guy's a blast. Give Banana Bamboozle a peek and treat yourself to a fun read.
Morongo Makes Losing Fun
If you live in Southern California and must drop a few bucks—and that's all we had to drop—then I recommend Morongo. Past Banning on Interstate 10, the place shoots up from the desert floor like a leftover set from Gattaca. Located between the snowy peaks of Mt. San Jacinto and Mt. San Gorgonio, the casino sports a nice view west of the windmill farm. Yeah, they had slots and table games and video roulette, but they possessed something else I hadn't encountered in a good long while: customer service. Even the ladies cleaning up the rooms smiled and said 'good morning.' The staff was so friendly, I wondered if it weren't some kind of set-up.
Here's how far behind the gaming curve I was: last time I visited a casino, slot machines still accepted coins. Nowadays you feed your money in, lose for awhile, then press Cash Out, and—if there's any left—get a paper slip listing the amount. Then you insert that slip into another machine—a lucky machine—and play down what's left. The strong willed march that slip to an ATM-like machine that pays real money. Farewell to the clang-clang-clang of coins hitting a steel tray. Very 21st Century.
Anyway, my wife and I had a blast. No family reunions. No place to be. And great WiFi so we could sit in the same room, on the same bed, and surf the Web. In addition, there was an In-And-Out Burger within a block of the place. Thus our needs were met on multiple fronts.
Now I've got animated assignments and a book to upload to Smashwords. But getting away for the first time in years was fantastic. So refreshing was the experience, that we returned home and forgot to be resentful of our noisy neighbors.
Friday, March 14, 2014
Review: Fetterman Massacre
The Fetterman Massacre by Dee Brown
My rating: 5 of 5 stars
Fascinating description of the U.S. Army's 1866 construction of Ft. Phil Kearny and the subsequent massacre of a detachment that left no survivors. Based on Army records and firsthand accounts, the narrative builds to an ambush by two thousand Sioux of Captain William Fetterman and his 80 cavalry and infantry.
While hardened veterans of the Civil War, Fetterman and most of his officers had no experience fighting Sioux and Arapaho, but plenty of confidence in their own martial abilities. At the same time, Fetterman's commanding officer had no Civil War combat experience, thus was held in low-esteem by several subordinates, including Fetterman.
Events surrounding the ambush bookend this history, but much of the tale involves traveling across the prairie from Nebraska to the site of the fort in Wyoming Territory. Soldiers had been encouraged to bring their wives and these women kept diaries. Author Dee Brown expertly weaves their observations into the story, providing a valuable peek into the beauty and harshness of life on the frontier almost one-hundred and fifty years ago.
View all my reviews
My rating: 5 of 5 stars
Fascinating description of the U.S. Army's 1866 construction of Ft. Phil Kearny and the subsequent massacre of a detachment that left no survivors. Based on Army records and firsthand accounts, the narrative builds to an ambush by two thousand Sioux of Captain William Fetterman and his 80 cavalry and infantry.
While hardened veterans of the Civil War, Fetterman and most of his officers had no experience fighting Sioux and Arapaho, but plenty of confidence in their own martial abilities. At the same time, Fetterman's commanding officer had no Civil War combat experience, thus was held in low-esteem by several subordinates, including Fetterman.
Events surrounding the ambush bookend this history, but much of the tale involves traveling across the prairie from Nebraska to the site of the fort in Wyoming Territory. Soldiers had been encouraged to bring their wives and these women kept diaries. Author Dee Brown expertly weaves their observations into the story, providing a valuable peek into the beauty and harshness of life on the frontier almost one-hundred and fifty years ago.
View all my reviews
Thursday, March 13, 2014
Smashwords Formatting, Free eBook Giveaway, and Book Reviews
Writing on all fronts languishes. In animation, new studio leadership and extensive paperwork respectively stall assignments. In eBook town, my Little Book of Big Enlightenment has improved with rewrites, but grown longer. Rebuilding it to conform to Smashwords is a drag. Minor tech-like things always compel me to Web surf. But I'll finish up this week.
Pleasantly surprised by the five-day Jury Doody giveaway. Three additional five-star reviews and a total of 1, 096 downloads. Since the promotion ended last Saturday, I've sold four more copies. These aren't astounding numbers by any stretch, but small pieces in a larger mosaic that takes form over time.
Book and Kindle reading has accelerated lately. Four new books in horror, sci-fi, literature and history are read and crying out for review.
I'd rather be writing, but formatting and social promotion won't take care of themselves. I've tried. Give them space and they still won't conform. Such is the way of things. As Hyman Roth said, "This is the business we have chosen."
Saturday, March 08, 2014
Review: Enemy at the Gate: Habsburgs, Ottomans
The Enemy at the Gate: Habsburgs, Ottomans and the Battle for Europe by Andrew Wheatcroft
My rating: 4 of 5 stars
Enjoyable narrative on the clash between the Hapsburg and Ottoman Empires in 1683. A high-water mark for Ottoman conquest in Europe, the Turks were forced back by a Hapsburg counterattack and compelled to surrender Hungary.
Most fascinating for me was the tactical differences between the two armies and the effect of the printing press on Western military development. Turks were hand-to-hand masters who surged forward in a mob, while Hapsburg forces maneuvered in mass thanks to drills codified and disseminated in manuals. Thus Western generals kept more control over their forces once a battle commenced.
The book seemed uneven, with great behind the scenes research on both sides up to the climax at Vienna. Afterwards, the focus shifted to the Hapsburg reconquest of Central Europe, reconciliation between two second-class empires, and, the final irony, alliance against the allies in World War I. All covered very rapidly.
That said, Wheatcroft's book is accessible to students of the era and novices such as myself. A worthwhile competent history.
View all my reviews
My rating: 4 of 5 stars
Enjoyable narrative on the clash between the Hapsburg and Ottoman Empires in 1683. A high-water mark for Ottoman conquest in Europe, the Turks were forced back by a Hapsburg counterattack and compelled to surrender Hungary.
Most fascinating for me was the tactical differences between the two armies and the effect of the printing press on Western military development. Turks were hand-to-hand masters who surged forward in a mob, while Hapsburg forces maneuvered in mass thanks to drills codified and disseminated in manuals. Thus Western generals kept more control over their forces once a battle commenced.
The book seemed uneven, with great behind the scenes research on both sides up to the climax at Vienna. Afterwards, the focus shifted to the Hapsburg reconquest of Central Europe, reconciliation between two second-class empires, and, the final irony, alliance against the allies in World War I. All covered very rapidly.
That said, Wheatcroft's book is accessible to students of the era and novices such as myself. A worthwhile competent history.
View all my reviews
eBook Daily Promotes Jury Doody
Well-read folk at eBook Daily gave Jury Doody a shout-out on their main page. Scroll down to Memoirs and Biographies.
On this last day of my free give away, Jury Doody still holds the #1 spot in Humorous Essays:
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Amazon Best Sellers Rank:
#646 Free in Kindle Store (See Top 100 Free in Kindle Store)
- #1 in Kindle Store > Kindle eBooks > Humor & Entertainment > Humor > Essay
I'm at 916 copies downloaded and feeling pretty confident that I'll crack 1k and pick up a few more reviews. And a pleasant Saturday to you!
Friday, March 07, 2014
Jury Doody@Amazon, Still #1 Humorous Essays
What will I talk about today? Oh, well, there's always my eBook, Jury Doody. Since Tuesday morning, I've held the #1 spot in free Humorous Essays and now stand at #2 in True Crime. With one day to go, I've been pleased with the outcome. Almost 550 copies have been downloaded, resulting in three more positive reviews. I only wish I had another book uploaded. Otherwise, can't—and won't—complain.
Wednesday, March 05, 2014
Free eBook Still #1 at Amazon, Adds 'True Crime' Category
A day later and still trending up, Jury Doody cracks the top 1,000 in free eBook giveaways. As of this morning, add #1 in 'True Crime' to #1 in 'Humorous Essay.' Few people buy what I write, but a great many enjoy reading my work free. Some leave positive reviews. I've found a niche!
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Amazon Best Sellers Rank:
#988 Free in Kindle Store (See Top 100 Free in Kindle Store)
- #1 in Kindle Store > Kindle eBooks > Biographies & Memoirs > True Accounts > True Crime
Tuesday, March 04, 2014
Free eBook Hits #1 on Amazon
As of 1:57 Pacific Time, Jury Doody was:
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Amazon Best Sellers Rank:
#2,218 Free in Kindle Store (See Top 100 Free in Kindle Store)
- #1 in Kindle Store > Kindle eBooks > Humor & Entertainment > Humor > Essays
Free eBook Nears Top of Amazon Rankings
Did I say #3?
That was so last-hour of me.
I meant #2.
Amazon Best Sellers
Our most popular products based on sales. Updated hourly.
Best Sellers in Humor Essays
2.
Free eBook Climbs to #3
Like a phoenix, Jury Doody rises to the third spot on Amazon's list of free humorous essays. A fun little work about on odd domestic violence trial in Los Angeles, it's captured the public's imagination provided there's no cost. Not to slight to those who purchased a copy, but I found myself in a use-it-or-lose-it situation with Kindle Direct Publishing.
KDP requires your book be exclusive to Amazon for ninety days. But one of the perks is a five day window in which you may offer your ebook free of charge. This pays off best when you have other books available. I had hoped to have another title up before the giveaway, but "The Little Book" is not so little anymore. As I'm not renewing with Kindle Direct, and the free days don't rollover, I had to go "free" before Saturday.
So grab a copy today. Or, if matters are pressing, by Saturday. Learn more about a case involving spousal abuse, cell phone abuse, and strange glottal wailing. Only in LA.
Thursday, February 27, 2014
Always Writing: Websites all writers should be on!
Neil Ostroff's blog offers a cool list of FREE spots writers should consider joining. Having turned in my DreamWorks assignment this morning, I'm off to check them out.
Always Writing: Websites all writers should be on!: I’ve been doing a lot of marketing/promotion lately for my books and have come up with a “must-be-on” list for writers who want to pro...
Always Writing: Websites all writers should be on!: I’ve been doing a lot of marketing/promotion lately for my books and have come up with a “must-be-on” list for writers who want to pro...
Wednesday, February 26, 2014
Pat Hobby Review: Hobby Rocks Studios
Some things in Hollywood never change. Tom Ruegger sent me his copy of these short stories and I really enjoyed them.
The Pat Hobby Stories by F. Scott Fitzgerald
My rating: 5 of 5 stars
A hilarious collection of short stories by F. Scott Fitzgerald about a once successful Hollywood writer with a big house and a leaky pool, now reduced to living in a cheap Los Angeles apartment and hustling the studios for piece work.
Pat Hobby was big in the 20s, dictating movie scenarios and fond of seeing his name up on screen. But in the late 30s, he's a desperate middle-aged has-been with gambling and drinking addictions to nourish. Hobby will steal ideas, lie, connive, and manipulate for another shot at steady studio employment and the brass ring of the producer title he felt was denied him.
But Hobby reaps what he sows and often finds himself upended by his own chaotic plans and the blow-back they generate from outraged victims.
A writer at Universal Studios, Fitzgerald published these shorts in Esquire at a time when it appeared he was the washed up voice of the 1920s. Give these seventeen short stories a read and enjoy watching the train wrecks pile up.
View all my reviews
The Pat Hobby Stories by F. Scott Fitzgerald
My rating: 5 of 5 stars
A hilarious collection of short stories by F. Scott Fitzgerald about a once successful Hollywood writer with a big house and a leaky pool, now reduced to living in a cheap Los Angeles apartment and hustling the studios for piece work.
Pat Hobby was big in the 20s, dictating movie scenarios and fond of seeing his name up on screen. But in the late 30s, he's a desperate middle-aged has-been with gambling and drinking addictions to nourish. Hobby will steal ideas, lie, connive, and manipulate for another shot at steady studio employment and the brass ring of the producer title he felt was denied him.
But Hobby reaps what he sows and often finds himself upended by his own chaotic plans and the blow-back they generate from outraged victims.
A writer at Universal Studios, Fitzgerald published these shorts in Esquire at a time when it appeared he was the washed up voice of the 1920s. Give these seventeen short stories a read and enjoy watching the train wrecks pile up.
View all my reviews
Monday, February 24, 2014
More Ink and Harold Ramis
Robin Kalinich, social media dynamo, has penned a kind word about me over at More Ink's Facebook page. Thanks once again Robin for a most-appreciated shout-out.
Less festive is the news that writer/director Harold Ramis passed away. I heard him speak at the American Film Institute many years ago and he seemed like an easy-going guy, not too swollen by success. Prayers and best wishes to the family. He leaves behind an awesome body of work. Among my many favorites is the oft-quotable Caddyshack.
Less festive is the news that writer/director Harold Ramis passed away. I heard him speak at the American Film Institute many years ago and he seemed like an easy-going guy, not too swollen by success. Prayers and best wishes to the family. He leaves behind an awesome body of work. Among my many favorites is the oft-quotable Caddyshack.
Sunday, February 23, 2014
See Lousy Book Covers!
They aren't kidding. Ponder the importance of designer skills as Lousy Book Covers presents the best of the worst.
Saturday, February 22, 2014
Social Media Swamps Writer
Lovely Pics |
Do other writers set a fixed time for social media? I'm open to suggestions.
Sunday, February 16, 2014
DreamWorks, Warner Bros. Assignments Due Next Week
Image: Spencer Fry |
On the subject of eBooks, next week will see a promotion of some manner for Jury Doody. Why don't I know the nature of my own promotion? I must first read the Amazon,com promotional rules and haven't time. But watch closely later next week. Something will occur.
Thursday, February 13, 2014
New Age Satire Sample
D.C. Richter |
PRAISE for The Little Book of BIG ENLIGHTENMENT
“Condensed spiritual enlightenment is fast, effective and lava-hot! In only a few hours you can achieve a state of consciousness that is normally unreachable without 20-40-60 years of intense study and practice. This is the total enlightenment package for the 21st century. Lompoc Tollhouse has really hit one out of the park. I wish I’d thought of this.”
—Swami Sid, Author of Find Your Inner Godhead and Feed It Luncheon Meat
“I’ve sat on the floor in so many ashrams, I’ve got mat burn on my ass. Thanks to Master Lompoc Tollhouse and his discovery of condensed enlightenment, I am packed full of virtue, concentration and wisdom right now. And it only took a few hours. And I did it all sitting in a recliner. Shambhala, baby!”
—I have released my name to the universe. Call me ‘Every Fellow.’
“It is one of the book’s strengths that bold, oversized fonts are used so often and with telling effect.”
—The Quarterly Journal of Bold Oversized Fonts
“This book was different from other books. The author talked about fast spirituality. Then another man who was supposed to be the author showed up and called the first author names. Still, I liked [The Little Book of Big Enlightenment] because it is colorful and bossy and tells me what to do, which I’m very used to by now.
—Elliot Cypher, a middle-aged man living in his Dad’s attic
“A cry of gratitude to Lompoc Tollhouse for making spiritual enlightenment available to all Mankind, even torpid weaklings with fat puffy fingers who could never grasp a spear in battle.”
—Locan the Thunder Warrior from ancient Pangaea whose avatar now shares the body of Mrs. Gale Hamm-Pellagra of Olympia, Washington
PUBLISHER’S FORWARD
This is very awkward, by which I mean ‘em-bar-ras-sing.’
We set out to publish a small book on spiritual enlightenment—we are publishers after all. Instead we seem to have given birth to a brawl worthy of the Octagon. You are entitled to know more before you begin reading—you are the reader, after all.
Spiritual master Lompoc Tollhouse was contracted by Cornerstone Media to expand on the subject of “condensed enlightenment,” a field in which he is a pioneer. Shortly after inking the deal, Mr. Tollhouse contracted a strange New Age illness. For a time, it appeared he would be unable to complete this book. Due to various business arrangements—we are a business after all—we hired author JP Mac to complete the work. Guided by the notes of Mr. Tollhouse, Mr. Mac constructed a book that is—to say the least—as vibrant and eye-catching as any in the field of New Age publications.
Upon his recovery, Mr. Tollhouse was not amused. In words as clear as the crystal he wears about his neck, he expressed displeasure at Mr. Mac’s handling of the material. I found myself in the middle—trying to help after all—seeking a compromise. I must confess, there were times I felt like a parent calming two sugar-fueled children. But—after all—I, too, am a healer in my own way.
Eventually all parties agreed to my Solomon-like solution.
Mr. Mac’s writing would stand.
Mr. Tollhouse would be allowed a chapter-by-chapter clarification.
This odd hybrid, this ‘jack-a-lope’ of a book is the result. Don’t let barbs, personal attacks, and raw snark distract you from investigating a New Age subject that is—after all—both fascinating and practical and could—in a world of endless possibilities—rapidly alter the fate of humanity.
Enjoy and experience these pages in a manner familiar to you!
Mansard Hamcott
Publisher-in-Chief
Cornerstone Media
CHAPTER ONE
RAPID ENLIGHTENMENT IS HERE NOW!!!
DISCOVER THREE ASTOUNDING WORDS THAT WILL SLINGSHOT YOU INSTANTLY TO THE PINNACLE OF AWESOME CONSCIOUSNESS
INSTANT DHARMA WITHOUT EFFORT
READ THIS BOOK ONCE AND LOSE 49% OF YOUR FALSE CONSCIOUSNESS
EXPERIENCE THE POWER OF “CONDENSED ENLIGHTENMENT”
FROM THE DESK OF JP MAC
Hello Spiritual Friends. I’m JP Mac, and I can’t tell you how excited I am to introduce you to the life-changing information contained in this little volume.
ASCEND TO THE ZENITH OF SPIRITUAL ENLIGHTENMENT IN HOURS!!
Sounds crazy, huh?
Sure. Everyone’s told you that spiritual enlightenment takes decades of study, preparation, effort, classes, craft fairs. If you want the bliss and serenity that comes with achieving total consciousness you need to put in time and, let’s face it, a good deal of money.
• Are T’ai Chi slippers free?
• Acupuncture?
• Yoga camp?
Think it doesn’t add up?
The typical seeker after enlightenment will give up—that’s right, quit—after an average of eleven years of searching, having spent at least $71,209.62 on hemp clothing, crystals, Enya downloads, tofu and grow lamps. Those aren’t my statistics. Those numbers come from the latest study conducted by the Humboldt State University Department of Holistic Studies.
IS ENLIGHTENMENT BEYOND MY GRASP?
The odds aren’t with you, brothers and sisters. But let me point out one small difference between you and all the other seekers after spiritual enlightenment.
THIS BOOK!!
You are on the threshold of knowing your true self. You are about to bask in the pure consciousness that is a byproduct of awakening. You are about to release the bonds of the material world faster than a hobo dropping a hot can of stew.
And when you’re spiritually enlightened, you’re totally in tune with the world AS IT IS RIGHT NOW!! Parked in “The Moment,” the roller coaster of life no longer disturbs your serenity. You’ve flattened out the tracks. You’re present, but above it all.
Fired? Cool.
Divorced? Great.
Kid tracks dog crap all over the carpet? Hey, that’s different.
Win the Lottery? What’s for dinner?
Thanks to rapid spiritual enlightenment:
• You are centered.
• You are in the zone.
• You are the Dalai Lama with hipper glasses.
But first, you must forget all that you’ve heard or learned about achieving spiritual enlightenment.
Because everything you think you know is painfully wrong!!
First, let me tell you a little about myself.
Like you, I wanted peace in my life and the serenity that comes with renunciation of the material realm, total acceptance, and living in the moment. I was so desperate that I believed everything I heard about spiritual enlightenment. I thought you had to climb a mountain, or live in a cave, or eat sorghum until you were so thin you’d fart pencils.
I bounced around from yoga to the Course in Miracles to selling dye-tied tee shirts on Venice Beach. I needed help. I needed direction. I needed a guru.
So I hooked up with this Buddhist guy, Mr. Baka, who said he’d show me the path to pure consciousness. So we go along until one day he tells me I need to learn the Four Noble Truths and the Noble Eightfold Path.
Say what? I haven’t got time for that crap. So next day in the temple, I got in Mr. Baka’s grill.
“Dog, I’m paying you every month for your spiritual savvy. So, what’s up with this four-fold, eight-fold, six-fold a dollar double-talk?” And he’s sitting on the floor Zen-style and cracks this super serene smile and says, “My friend, spiritual enlightenment is only reached when you don’t reach for it.”
Got that? Months have passed. I’m out hundreds of dollars.
AND ALL I GET IS YODA TALK!!
I brushed off Mr. Baka so fast he probably dropped a pair of four fold truths. But at least he leveled with me.
THIS CON JOB HAS BEEN GOING ON FOR THOUSANDS OF YEARS!!
Sad, but true. Seekers throughout history have been told:
• You can’t get there from here.
• There’s no easy path.
• No ABC.
• No fast, proven method of spiritually ascending.
BAT GUANO!!
Pardon my language. But I get so furious when I hear this Old School nonsense. We’re on the threshold of an amazing breakthrough. Condensed enlightenment is the antidote to decades of tedious, expensive study. Now, for the first time in recorded history, spiritual enlightenment is fast, understandable and available NOW.
Spiritual enlightenment is:
• Easy as reading.
• Easy as flipping to the next page.
• Easy as uttering three simple words.
IN A VERY SHORT TIME, YOU WILL BE SPIRITUALLY ENLIGHTENED!!
This information is so vital that I’ve employed the proven style of direct-mail marketing to put this book in the hands of as many people as possible. Let me stop for a minute here. I’m not naming names, but I got around 70 pounds of pushback over the style and tone I chose for this little book. A certain person, let’s call him a ‘crybaby,’ objected.
At one point, this crybaby said:
‘Spiritual enlightenment isn’t a male organ enhancer!’
Uh doy! I’ve sold male organ enhancers. I know the difference. But what the crybaby didn’t realize is that more and more products are turning today to the power of direct-mail marketing. For example, within the last year I have promoted:
• The Jolly Bear Home Dental Kit
• Katie Couric Colostomy Bags
• A Steamship Filled with Bauxite
• My Little Pony Hollow Point Rounds
Don’t tell me you can’t promote spiritual enlightenment through a proven stylistic method. It’s being done. It’s being done NOW.
Enough about crybabies, let’s discuss Lompoc Tollhouse. I think you will all agree he is a titan of New Age holistic scholarship. His first book, Out of Mind, Out of Coins for Parking: A New Paradigm, is required reading in many junior colleges, universities, and the Ninth Circuit Court.
You’ve seen Lompoc Tollhouse on television, comically fumbling around, losing his place, forgetting his point. (How endearing!) You’ve participated in his expensive webinars, learning in detail his theory of mind ghosts and how they are caused by guilt and are responsible for the ringing in your ears after a loud noise.
As you can imagine, I was flattered when Tollhouse called, asking me to write for him. (He would have written this little book himself, but the subject matter was so critical that he wanted the job done right the first time.)
Frankly, I was astounded when he told me his latest two findings. In a hushed voice, a little slurred—he may have been drinking—Lompoc Tollhouse informed me that after years of research he had uncovered two universal game changers. Lompoc Tollhouse had learned . . .
. . . A REVOLUTIONARY NEW METHOD TO RAPIDLY ALTER YOUR CONSCIOUSNESS AND ACHIEVE COMPLETE SPIRITUAL ENLIGHTENMENT IN ONLY HOURS . . .
. . . and he had torn the curtain aside, forcing into the light . . .
. . . POWERFUL SHADOWY FORCES THAT DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WANT YOU ENLIGHTENED EVER!!!
Wow! That’s a lot to have laid on you in one phone call. I was totally blown away. But when Lompoc Tollhouse begged me to bring his ideas to millions of desperate people, I said ‘no.’
I turned him down flat.
Before we continue, I just realized many of you haven’t purchased this book. You’re reading the handful of free pages available online. Naturally, you’re wary of extravagant promises for rapid spiritual enlightenment. I don’t blame you for being cautious. The history of spiritual enlightenment is also the history of hucksterism and the grand swindle.
I cannot force you to purchase this book AT ONCE. I cannot make you seek spiritual superpower status through the practice of condensed enlightenment.
I cannot make you want something you may not even care about.
• You may not care about a pure expanding consciousness.
• You may not care about the serenity of living the rest of your life in the moment.
• You may not care about the awesome knowledge that comes with total self-awareness.
Leave now. No hard feelings.
Clearly, the idea of sustained bliss in the face of life’s hurdles leaves you unmoved.
YOU SIMPLY MAY NOT WANT A HIGHER CONSCIOUSNESS DELIVERED IN A FEW HOURS!!!
But if you possess even the slightest interest in tranquility, please purchase this book AT ONCE! And know that deep inside these pages resides the lights-out spiritual method pioneered by Lompoc Tollhouse. This method short circuits old-school enlightenment and rockets you to full and complete elevated consciousness in no time.
You will . . .
• Learn the secrets of CONDENSED ENLIGHTENMENT, the 21st Century spiritual dynamo so powerful it must be administered in small doses to prevent hyper-enlightenment.
• Learn a spiritual word more powerful than tens of thousands of other spiritual words.
• Learn a MATHEMATICAL PHRASE that, once uttered, catapults your vibrations into the SPIRITUAL STRATOSPHERE!!
Learn these insights without study, knowledge, preparation, purging, fasting, prayer, inner and outer cleansing, living like a hermit, eating sweet grass, or reading old books.
No Four Fold, Eight Fold dibble-dee-do.
IN THE TIME IT TAKES YOU TO READ THIS LITTLE BOOK, YOU WILL EXPERIENCE RAPID SPIRITUAL ENLIGHTENMENT!!
Can’t be that easy?
Sadly, there are certain parties who would like you to believe that. They would like to keep you slaving away for decades. They want to keep you shelling out the bucks for meditation classes, psychic healings, past life regressions.
THEY WANT TO DENY YOU THE INSTANT ACCESS TO COMPLETE SELF-AWARENESS, A NEW CONSCIOUSNESS, AND THE SERENE JOY THAT FLOWS FROM AN ELEVATED STATE OF SPIRITUAL ENLIGHTENMENT.
Only by following the program set forth in this book conceived by fussy, pedantic Lompoc Tollhouse will you learn why certain forces FEAR anyone who has punched through the fog of ignorance and reached the blazing light of absolute self consciousness.
Did I mention turning down Lompoc Tollhouse when he begged me to write this book?
I respect Lompoc Tollhouse. But his marketing ideas have all the punch of a Hallmark Greeting Card. His concept involved hippy-dippy artwork, better suited to selling elf suppositories than promoting the most revolutionary spiritual breakthrough in history.
I told him flat-out, “I don’t roll that way. I only write things that people will read.”
We talked more and finally Lompoc pleaded, “What will it take for you to accept this assignment?” In a whisper, he added, “Please, JP, I am completely out of my depth when it comes to marketing. You might even say I am a witless clown man.”
Okay. I respect honesty. I thought it over and finally said, “I’ve got to be free to do this book the right way. My way.”
Well, he hemmed and hawed and finally saw the light—heh, heh. And the result is this little book that will jump-start your spiritual life and erase stress, remorse, guilt, fear and frottage, replacing them with tranquility, serenity, and absolute total consciousness.
And that process is happening RIGHT NOW. Every word you read brings you closer to fast, effective spiritual enlightenment.
What an insane amount of hot new information to absorb, huh?
Settle down. Grab a
This has been mucho intense.
Maybe you’re wondering why it’s so vital to be instantly enlightened? You might even think that the process is a journey.
Pardon me while I stuff a laugh.
That’s old school thinking. You can’t be blamed for reaching such conclusions. It’s part of a FAR-REACHING PLAN to keep you praying and paying for a spiritual serenity you’ll never reach.
I’ll explain shortly.
But before we proceed, let’s learn more about enlightenment in general and why condensed enlightenment is so critical to the growth of your consciousness.
(If you'd like a heads-up when the book launches do send an email to jpmac@hushmail.com and put "Little Book" in the heading.)
Wednesday, February 05, 2014
Self-Pub Schedule Set
D.C. Richter supplied the fine cover art. |
Now to the line-up.
Lead off hitter is this month's The Little Book of Big Enlightenment, in which a hypersensitive New Age author battles a brash marketer over the content of a self-help book on "condensed enlightenment." Next up will be a 50 Shades parody in April, then an H.P. Lovecraft comedy in July, and, batting, clean-up, a short-story collection of dark urban tales in September. My first full length horror novel about a doomed whale-watching expedition steps up to the plate by Christmas. Now I've put it out there, now I'll have to deliver.
Batter up!
Saturday, February 01, 2014
Be Wary of Red Cloud Claims in "American Legend" Book
The Heart of Everything That Is: The Untold Story of Red Cloud, An American Legend by Bob Drury
My rating: 3 of 5 stars
Lakota Chief Red Cloud was the only Indian to push back the westward march of the United States. His ability to forge individualistic warriors from competing tribes into a coherent force is a tribute to his leadership. During the period 1866 to 1868, Sioux, Cheyenne and Arapaho simultaneously stuck multiple targets ranging from forts to wagon trains.
Among Red Cloud’s accomplishments was the ambush and massacre of eighty poorly armed and trained U.S. soldiers by two thousand Indians. The repercussions of this fight eventually led the federal government to withdraw troops from the Powder River country claimed by Red Cloud and his allies.
There was brutality and viciousness on both sides. And while U.S. massacres such as Sand Creek are well-documented, the book details the savagery of the Sioux who tortured their captives then rated them by the manner in which they died. Warriors raped women and bashed in the heads of babies. The Sioux committed these acts on other Indians whose lands they seized and toward whites encroaching on Sioux turf.
Based on Red Cloud's memories as told to another toward the end of his life, I was left wondering how much weight they deserved. Bolstered by Sioux oral history, the chief's claims were given more heft by the authors who exhibited healthy scepticism toward official documents. I have a feeling that warriors with an oral tradition, like fishermen, can be prone to exaggeration. I would've liked to see the book take a more even-handed approach toward veracity.
If you’re interested in this era, The Fetterman Massacre by Dee Brown covers the outbreak of the Red Cloud War leading up to the deadly Indian ambush of eighty soldiers under the command of Captain William Judd Fetterman. It is a good companion piece.
View all my reviews
My rating: 3 of 5 stars
Lakota Chief Red Cloud was the only Indian to push back the westward march of the United States. His ability to forge individualistic warriors from competing tribes into a coherent force is a tribute to his leadership. During the period 1866 to 1868, Sioux, Cheyenne and Arapaho simultaneously stuck multiple targets ranging from forts to wagon trains.
Among Red Cloud’s accomplishments was the ambush and massacre of eighty poorly armed and trained U.S. soldiers by two thousand Indians. The repercussions of this fight eventually led the federal government to withdraw troops from the Powder River country claimed by Red Cloud and his allies.
There was brutality and viciousness on both sides. And while U.S. massacres such as Sand Creek are well-documented, the book details the savagery of the Sioux who tortured their captives then rated them by the manner in which they died. Warriors raped women and bashed in the heads of babies. The Sioux committed these acts on other Indians whose lands they seized and toward whites encroaching on Sioux turf.
Based on Red Cloud's memories as told to another toward the end of his life, I was left wondering how much weight they deserved. Bolstered by Sioux oral history, the chief's claims were given more heft by the authors who exhibited healthy scepticism toward official documents. I have a feeling that warriors with an oral tradition, like fishermen, can be prone to exaggeration. I would've liked to see the book take a more even-handed approach toward veracity.
If you’re interested in this era, The Fetterman Massacre by Dee Brown covers the outbreak of the Red Cloud War leading up to the deadly Indian ambush of eighty soldiers under the command of Captain William Judd Fetterman. It is a good companion piece.
View all my reviews
Tuesday, January 28, 2014
Jury Doody Featured at More Ink
I crave purchase and a review. |
Jury Doody will be featured on More Ink throughout the month of February. Should you be moved to purchase this wee Kindle essay about a strange jury trail in Los Angeles—or read free on Amazon Prime—please leave a review on Amazon. (And, if you're exceptionally motivated, Goodreads.) Reviews are the life-blood of the self-published author. Good ones are my personal favorite, but all will be accepted.
Sunday, January 26, 2014
Beta Readers Take Note on Latest eBook
inplainsite |
Tuesday, January 21, 2014
Book Review—The Thirty Years War: Europe's Tragedy
"Another damned thick book," said the Duke of Gloucester to Edward Gibbon and now I understand the sentiment. After expressing interest in the 30 Years War, I received this book as a gift. At around 900 pages (not counting end notes), this weighty tome wore me out. A third of the way through, having just reached the war's beginning, I resigned. Everything prior to my stopping point was the run-up to the conflict, social, political and religious, and there was plenty.
While well written, the names, dates, and places quickly stack up. There are more kings and queens than in a Blackjack shoe. Before I could digest royalty names and titles, I was served a healthy portion of Bohemia, Poles and Danes in Saxony, Bavaria, and Spanish Harlem.:) I'm a history buff, but this book proved too detailed for me.
I won't pan 'Europe's Tragedy' just because my relatives picked the thickest book on the subject. My guess: if you're up-to-speed on Central Europe in the late 16th to mid-17th centuries, this text could be lights-out. But if you're looking for a general overview of the 30 Years War, seek elsewhere.
View all my reviews
While well written, the names, dates, and places quickly stack up. There are more kings and queens than in a Blackjack shoe. Before I could digest royalty names and titles, I was served a healthy portion of Bohemia, Poles and Danes in Saxony, Bavaria, and Spanish Harlem.:) I'm a history buff, but this book proved too detailed for me.
I won't pan 'Europe's Tragedy' just because my relatives picked the thickest book on the subject. My guess: if you're up-to-speed on Central Europe in the late 16th to mid-17th centuries, this text could be lights-out. But if you're looking for a general overview of the 30 Years War, seek elsewhere.
View all my reviews
Thursday, January 16, 2014
Twelve Days Worth of Writing Exercises
Leah Cutter |
Brian A. Klems offers a dozen prompts to get you writing. Here's a few to prime the pump.
"It’s the perfect time to restart your engine and get back into writing. Here, I offer up a 12-day plan of simple writing exercises to help you keep your creative juices flowing without eating up too much of your time. Follow this plan and in less than half a month, you’ll not only be impressed with what you’ve accomplished, but you may also have something worth publishing.
The 12-Day Plan of Simple Writing Exercises
Day 1: Write 10 potential book titles of books you’d like to write.
Day 2: Create a character with personality traits of someone you love, but the physical characteristics of someone you don’t care for.
Day 3: Write a setting based on the most beautiful place you’ve ever seen.
Read the rest at Writer's Digest.
Monday, January 06, 2014
Animation Writing for DreamWorks and a New eBook
A brace of TV animation outlines completed over the holidays for the busy cadre at DreamWorks, (including Paul Rugg). Now back to the next eBook. As soon as my cover art tests are completed, I'll tease out chapters on Goodreads as well as this very blog. What happens when a stuffy New Age Guru wars with a copy writing hack in the pages of a new spiritual book on "condensed enlightenment?" Soon. More can, and will, be revealed.
Tuesday, December 31, 2013
Iraq War Memoir Marked by Macabre Humor
Does My Suicide Vest Make Me Look Fat? by John Ready
My rating: 5 of 5 stars
In John Ready’s war, a car backfire can form the basis for claiming combat decorations. An officer tests HUMVEE armor by blasting away with a pistol, narrowly missing his own troops. A unit’s whimsically garish Christmas decorations serve as aiming points for enemy rockets.
Serving in Iraq from 2003 to 2004 as a Civil Affairs officer responsible for Baghdad reconstruction projects, Ready presents 47 recollections that capture the funny, the tragic, the stupid, and the deadly from a war that ended in victory, then deteriorated into bloody insurgency.
Mostly in the range of two to four pages, these pieces are not chronological, bouncing around from the author’s hectic deployment to a sometimes bleak post-war period where the joy of reuniting with family collided with the bitterness of certain indelible memories.
A rare view into Army Civil Affairs, this book is worthwhile read.
View all my reviews
My rating: 5 of 5 stars
In John Ready’s war, a car backfire can form the basis for claiming combat decorations. An officer tests HUMVEE armor by blasting away with a pistol, narrowly missing his own troops. A unit’s whimsically garish Christmas decorations serve as aiming points for enemy rockets.
Serving in Iraq from 2003 to 2004 as a Civil Affairs officer responsible for Baghdad reconstruction projects, Ready presents 47 recollections that capture the funny, the tragic, the stupid, and the deadly from a war that ended in victory, then deteriorated into bloody insurgency.
Mostly in the range of two to four pages, these pieces are not chronological, bouncing around from the author’s hectic deployment to a sometimes bleak post-war period where the joy of reuniting with family collided with the bitterness of certain indelible memories.
A rare view into Army Civil Affairs, this book is worthwhile read.
View all my reviews
Saturday, December 28, 2013
No Kindle Necessary to Read Jury Doody
Available here. |
You don't need a Kindle to enjoy eBooks from Amazon. Download a free Kindle app and enjoy your favorite stories on phones, Macs, PCs, Blackberries, you pick 'em. What's it to me what you read? I would like my Kindle-less friends and family to have an opportunity to read my short essay, Jury Doody now available on Kindle Direct Publishing.
And should the post-Christmas spirit move you to plunk down .99 for a read, please rate your reading experience and leave a comment. Ditto if you're a member of Goodreads.
And if this tub-thumping appeal leaves you completely unmoved, or you're low on cash, or bleary-eyed from technology in general, bless you and have a very Happy New Years!
Thursday, December 26, 2013
The Two Sieges of Rhodes: Knights and Turks Battle for Island Base
The Two Sieges of Rhodes, 1480-1522 by Eric Brockman
My rating: 4 of 5 stars
A crusading order evicted from the Holy Land at the end of the thirteenth century, the Knights Hospitaller needed a home to continue opposing Islamic expansion. Settling on the island of Rhodes near Asia Minor, they commenced raiding Muslim shipping in the eastern Mediterranean. Relying on first person accounts and other historic documents, Eric Brockman details a pair of Turkish assaults aimed at ousting the offending Knights from their Rhodian stronghold.
History, tactics, religion and politics all play a part as the outnumbered religious order scraps to defend their harbor fortress. Brockman sets the attacks against the backdrop of a disunited Christian Europe, unwilling to rally in support of the Knights against the growing might of the Ottoman Empire.
A very readable account with personalities and intrigue coloring the narrative. At 163 pages, I thought the book a little short for two sieges. Still, it does set the stage for later historic events in the ongoing war between the Ottoman Turks and the Knights Hospitaller of St. John.
View all my reviews
My rating: 4 of 5 stars
A crusading order evicted from the Holy Land at the end of the thirteenth century, the Knights Hospitaller needed a home to continue opposing Islamic expansion. Settling on the island of Rhodes near Asia Minor, they commenced raiding Muslim shipping in the eastern Mediterranean. Relying on first person accounts and other historic documents, Eric Brockman details a pair of Turkish assaults aimed at ousting the offending Knights from their Rhodian stronghold.
History, tactics, religion and politics all play a part as the outnumbered religious order scraps to defend their harbor fortress. Brockman sets the attacks against the backdrop of a disunited Christian Europe, unwilling to rally in support of the Knights against the growing might of the Ottoman Empire.
A very readable account with personalities and intrigue coloring the narrative. At 163 pages, I thought the book a little short for two sieges. Still, it does set the stage for later historic events in the ongoing war between the Ottoman Turks and the Knights Hospitaller of St. John.
View all my reviews
Tuesday, December 24, 2013
A Warner Bros. Merry Christmas!
Inspired by a Facebook post from friend Josh, and plucked from the blog of Tom Ruegger, here are the Warners Brothers (and sister) as shepherds from "The Little Drummer Warners." Back in the day, we showed the episode to Steven Spielberg who joked that we now owed him a Warner Bros. tribute to a Jewish holiday. Hanukkah and Thanksgiving at the same time would have been perfect, but that kind of calender gold doesn't roll around too often. Plus Animaniacs would've needed to be airing for twenty years like Gunsmoke. So we still owe him.
Saturday, December 21, 2013
Wonderstorms: Sharp Writing Reins in Fantasy Anthology
Wonderstorms: A Fantasy Anthology by Brian Clopper
My rating: 5 of 5 stars
Young people with special gifts and big troubles describe most of the protagonists in this quintet of fantasy tales. With ‘wonderstorm’ as a prompt, Keith Robinson, A.E. Howard, Roger Eschbacher, Brian Clopper and Jason Asala weave the word into their worlds as everything from a vortex, to a talisman, to a ludicrous supernatural power. I especially enjoyed Eschbacher’s “Undrastormur,” which neatly blended myth,tension and humor in relating the fate of a troll-plagued village.
Good writing across the board. And while I’m not a big consumer of Young Adult fantasy stories, this batch was compelling enough to keep me thumbing my Kindle. Definitely worth a read.
View all my reviews
My rating: 5 of 5 stars
Young people with special gifts and big troubles describe most of the protagonists in this quintet of fantasy tales. With ‘wonderstorm’ as a prompt, Keith Robinson, A.E. Howard, Roger Eschbacher, Brian Clopper and Jason Asala weave the word into their worlds as everything from a vortex, to a talisman, to a ludicrous supernatural power. I especially enjoyed Eschbacher’s “Undrastormur,” which neatly blended myth,tension and humor in relating the fate of a troll-plagued village.
Good writing across the board. And while I’m not a big consumer of Young Adult fantasy stories, this batch was compelling enough to keep me thumbing my Kindle. Definitely worth a read.
View all my reviews
Tuesday, December 17, 2013
World Literary Cafe Rocks!
ladieswhocritique.com |
A fine writerly site filled with useful tips on boosting blog readership, Facebook likes, finding beta readers and a host of other helpful tasks. They are one of my favorite author resource websites and can give you a welcome hand increasing your visibility. Examine their wares, as time permits.
Friday, December 13, 2013
Running Posts Rate High
Adventures in Running |
Here sayth the blog metrics: more unique views have accrued to a six-year old recount of a 10K race than the recent publication of my ebook, Jury Doody. And by a substantial margin. Clearly, instead of writing about my jury duty stint, I should have repackaged all my old race reports from back in the day. Stay tuned for my new ebook, From Marathon to Couch Potato in Only Four Years: A Middle-Aged Runner Reports.
Tuesday, December 10, 2013
Jury Doody Up on Amazon
Illustrated by D.C. Richter. |
Thanks to law Professor Glenn Reynolds for the link to my Author Page. His Instapundit blog is a high traffic beast and is responsible for the following Jury Doody metrics:
-
Amazon Best Sellers Rank:
#137,287 Paid in Kindle Store (See Top 100 Paid in Kindle Store)
- #50 in Books > Humor & Entertainment > Humor > Lawyers & Criminals
Thursday, December 05, 2013
Famous People Born on My Birthday
From December 5, 2011, I repost my birthday thoughts on fame and fortune. What have I learned in two years? A kind word opens many doors and always get back-end money.
Thank you very much to all who have, so far, wished me Happy Birthday. In thinking of this day, I am reminded of several famous Americans who share my date of birth. I will list three and examine their accomplishments as compared to mine.
1. Martin Van Buren - b. Dec. 5, 1782
2. George Armstrong Custer - b. Dec. 5, 1839
3. Walt Disney - b. Dec. 5, 1901
4. John P. McCann - b. Dec. 5, 1952
1. Martin Van Buren succeeded greatly in becoming the 8th President of the United States but was hardly remembered even in his own day. He had a large bull frog stuffed and used as an ink well in the White House. However President Taft later sat on it by accident and they had to throw the thing out. That's about it.
2. George Armstrong Custer succeeded greatly as a soldier in the Civil War but had a mixed record fighting Indians. (1-1-2, I think.) He is best remembered for his spectacular fail at the Battle of the Little Big Horn. At first, everything was going well; then it all fell apart under an Indian tsunami. In later years, Custer had a park named after him as well as a monument and a movie where his part was played by Errol Flynn. That's a whole lot more than Van Buren ever got.
3. Walt Disney succeeded greatly in animation, a pioneer in the field, creator of iconic characters—but not the word 'iconic' which has been seized upon by junior execs.—established Disney studios and Disneyland and is fondly remembered to this day. Nonetheless his body is frozen in a vault beneath Disney's Burbank lot and should Walt be reanimated and start making decisions again it could effect his legacy.
4. John P. McCann was greatly successful as a Hollywood atmosphere player. McCann was the ship-board stand-in for a Canadian actor portraying Errol Flynn in My Wicked, Wicked Ways. In addition, he is visible catching Dennis Quaid's jacket at around 1:19 in a clip from Great Balls of Fire.
More successful in animation, McCann created the non-iconic character of The Huntsman. For the next fifteen years, he piggy-backed onto as many successful shows as his friends would allow. While the record is still being written, outsiders agree that McCann will be remembered by Bank of America and several other creditors who might reasonably feel aggrieved should he pass from the scene within the next several months.
Images: whitehouse.gov, Parcbench, fold3
Thank you very much to all who have, so far, wished me Happy Birthday. In thinking of this day, I am reminded of several famous Americans who share my date of birth. I will list three and examine their accomplishments as compared to mine.
1. Martin Van Buren - b. Dec. 5, 1782
2. George Armstrong Custer - b. Dec. 5, 1839
3. Walt Disney - b. Dec. 5, 1901
4. John P. McCann - b. Dec. 5, 1952
1. Martin Van Buren succeeded greatly in becoming the 8th President of the United States but was hardly remembered even in his own day. He had a large bull frog stuffed and used as an ink well in the White House. However President Taft later sat on it by accident and they had to throw the thing out. That's about it.
2. George Armstrong Custer succeeded greatly as a soldier in the Civil War but had a mixed record fighting Indians. (1-1-2, I think.) He is best remembered for his spectacular fail at the Battle of the Little Big Horn. At first, everything was going well; then it all fell apart under an Indian tsunami. In later years, Custer had a park named after him as well as a monument and a movie where his part was played by Errol Flynn. That's a whole lot more than Van Buren ever got.
3. Walt Disney succeeded greatly in animation, a pioneer in the field, creator of iconic characters—but not the word 'iconic' which has been seized upon by junior execs.—established Disney studios and Disneyland and is fondly remembered to this day. Nonetheless his body is frozen in a vault beneath Disney's Burbank lot and should Walt be reanimated and start making decisions again it could effect his legacy.
4. John P. McCann was greatly successful as a Hollywood atmosphere player. McCann was the ship-board stand-in for a Canadian actor portraying Errol Flynn in My Wicked, Wicked Ways. In addition, he is visible catching Dennis Quaid's jacket at around 1:19 in a clip from Great Balls of Fire.
More successful in animation, McCann created the non-iconic character of The Huntsman. For the next fifteen years, he piggy-backed onto as many successful shows as his friends would allow. While the record is still being written, outsiders agree that McCann will be remembered by Bank of America and several other creditors who might reasonably feel aggrieved should he pass from the scene within the next several months.
Images: whitehouse.gov, Parcbench, fold3
Wednesday, November 27, 2013
Thanksgiving Football: A Brief History
motarcitytimes.com |
My
Midwestern family had two Thanksgiving traditions. One involved placing a pot
of boiled cranberries outside to chill. The second tradition revolved around
watching football . . . or at least having the game on in the background while
cards were played, the Almighty invoked, drumsticks munched, and arguments rekindled.
As the 2013 holiday season arrives, let’s quickly examine how a day of feasting
and gratitude hooked up with a robust game of inches.
Professional
football on Thanksgiving started in the 1890s. From then into the first half of
the 20th Century, teams such as the Canton Bulldogs and Massillon
Tigers clashed with their leather helmets, no facemasks and few rules. And while various teams in various
cities continued Thanksgiving play, it wasn’t until 1934 that T-Day football as
currently recognized formed thanks to G.A. Richards.
Mr.
Richards had recently purchased an NFL team, the Portsmouth (Ohio) Spartans. He
moved them to Detroit and rechristened his team the Lions. But the baseball Tigers
were the Motor City darlings. Wanting to start a buzz, Richards scheduled a
Thanksgiving Day contest with the undefeated Chicago Bears. As it turned out,
the Lions had an excellent 10 – 1 squad primed to meet the 11 – 0 Monsters of
the Midway. Tickets sold out two weeks prior to the clash. The Lions lost 19 –
16 but a tradition was born. Except for six years from 1939 – 1944, the Lions have
played on every Thanksgiving.
But
it would take another 22 years for Detroit’s T-Day tussle to go national. In
1956, the first Thanksgiving Day game was televised as the Lions dropped a
close one at the wire to the Green Bay Packers, 24 – 20. What we now assume normal
was born: televised pro football on Turkey Day.
Our
last contemporary puzzle piece took another decade to drop into place. In 1966,
the Dallas Cowboys commenced their run as the second T-Day game. For the last
47 years, with only two exceptions, the Cowboys and Lions have played on
Thanksgiving Day. Starting in 2006, the NFL added a night contest featuring two
at-large teams. Now tryptophan-filled football junkies can have their fill in
several ways.
But
let’s close with the American tradition of do-it-yourself. On Thanksgiving, in backyards
and parks all across the country, ad hoc Turkey Bowl games will be underway.
Touch or tackle, these contests pit family and friends against one another for
bragging rights or just a way to let off holiday steam. And while such games
are legion, let me single out one such Turkey Bowl from my old hometown. Now in
its 14th year, the Indo-Jew Bowl takes place every Thanksgiving at a
different park in Skokie, Illinois. Old high school classmates of Jewish
descent line up for nine-man tackle against their sub-continent rivals. Last
year saw the Jews roll to a 41 to 27 victory. But the Indos are hot for payback
come November 28.
So
whether you put your cranberries outside to cool or not; play, watch, or listen
to football, have a most Happy Thanksgiving.
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