What Adam Carolla and I Did

Our Acme Comedy Sketches From Ancient Times

Adam Carolla Podcast listeners Dan and Chris alerted me to last Tuesday's show where Ace recalled a comedy sketch he and I performed back in 1990. (Typing that made me feel logey and in need of a nap.) Adam and I were charter members of the Acme Comedy Theatre and the sketch in question occurred during the company's very first show. This nostalgic bon mot falls between 6:20 and 19:00 of the Ariana Savalas and Dr. Bruce podcast. Listen as Adam relates how the LA Weekly Review of the production missed the mark in one key respect.

 Originally, Acme was started in 1989 in a small playhouse in Studio City owned by actor/writer Mark York. When Adam and I performed there, our company was called the Two Roads Players, then the Tujunga Group, and probably something else before founder and director M.D. Sweeney stopped letting actors vote on names and simply called us Acme.

I think my favorite unproduced sketch involved Adam, myself and Paul Rugg. We were overweight proprietors of a smorgasbord doing our own commercials under the name, The Lardells. Paul's wife Marie had a dance background and choreographed our portly moves. Somehow, it fell away, never to be see the light of stage.

A Tale of Two Outlooks

As a general note, Adam and I worked on a number of sketches together. But when it came to solo material, I'd have to give him the laugh laurels. My instincts tended toward witty, surreal sketches such as the one where an optometrist corrected people's third eyes and adjusted their apocalyptic visions. Such an offering would garner polite, knowing chuckles. Adam would then come on stage and perform a sketch about a guy who got his nuts caught in an escalator and bring down the house.

That's why he's the honcho of Carolla Digital and I'm retired.  

Fifteen Years After 911

K called from Florida, "Planes crashed into the World Trade Center and one of the towers just fell." Unemployed in Los Angeles and half asleep at 7:30 AM, I shuffled downstairs to the TV, past Joy as she prepared for work. At first, all I saw was a dirty cloud obscuring southern Manhattan. Then a stunned announcer said the second tower had just collapsed. Joy joined me, work forgotten as we learned of the attack.

Other friends phoned throughout the day. Paul Rugg speculated about the pilots of the doomed aircraft, certain they weren't Americans forced to crash. TJ, a Vietnam vet, was incensed at the footage of jubilant Palestinians with their candy and AK-47s. He wished he could gift them with a nice buttering of napalm. In a grim mood, I agreed.

Watching TV and power-chewing Nicorette, I mostly felt numb — except when the subject was jumpers. Then I felt horror. Go to work, sip coffee, joke with your pals, then decide whether you'll suffocate, burn alive, or leap a quarter mile to certain death. Questions of etiquette arise: jump solo or hold hands with a co-worker? Perhaps several of you link arms and form a chain, finding courage in numbers. Or do you clutch a table cloth and step into the air, desperately hoping it slows your fall?



The journey takes ten seconds.


Air velocity rips away your shoes.


You explode on impact.


I will always be haunted by the jumpers of 9/11.


Oceans of paper were blasted from the towers, filling the New York sky like the Devil's ticker tape. Invoices and wedding invitations floated down to gray sidewalks.

My friend Cathy, who worked in D.C., reported chaos as the government sent everyone home at once following the Pentagon attack. One jammed intersection turned scary as a man leaped out of an SUV brandishing a pistol and attempting to direct traffic.

Being murdered is not a heroic act, though it can be. Flight 93 passengers fought back and died, saving many more in their sacrifice. North Tower Port Authority employees rescued over 70 people before perishing.


There were many heroes that day.

My sister Mary Pat and I had dinner at a coffee shop. She was passing through town, leaving a job in Mountain View, CA to return to Phoenix. Depressed by the day's events, our meal was not jolly.

Later, Joy tried to give blood, but the hospital was overwhelmed with donations and refused.

Vulnerability, grief, dismay, anger.

Such a beautiful morning with a sky so blue.

(Photos from: Little Green Footballs.)

Repost: Sept. 11, 2008

Update 2013: Strange to reread this. TJ died in 2009 and K passed away just over a year ago. My wife, Joy, and I are doing well, as is Paul Rugg who now rides the train. 

Update 2015: I had cancer surgery last year, but recovered. My wife is doing well and my sister battles her own health woes. I have not heard from my friend Cathy in a few years.  Paul Rugg continues riding the train in addition to being a voice over machine.

Update 2016: And now 15 years have passed. Heard from my friend Cathy, who continues to work for USAID. I noticed that nowhere in the entry do I mention Islamic terrorists. Islamic terrorists killed everyone in NYC, the Pentagon and Shanksville, PA. Whether armed with box cutters or bombs, they continue to kill innocent people from Thailand to Paris to Orlando, Fla. Their political-religious movement is worth fighting, as were Nazism, Japanese fascism, and communism. Even if our strategy and tactics are often hapless and misguided, the cause is just.

Happy 50th Star Trek!

Oh, My, as I Meet Mr. Sulu

(Originally posted on March 24, 2007.)

This morning, Nick and Ernesto joined me for a race in Griffith Park. (In 1995, I did a 5K there. That turned out to be my last 5K for eleven years.) Small field, very informal. I finished in 25:18. That's an 8:09 pace. Not what I wanted but slightly better than my 1995 time. And I smoked back then. I wonder how my running career might've gone if I'd eased off the Kents sooner.

At today's race, George Takei was Master of Ceremonies. A nice guy, he sat at a table and signed autographs for free. (Many celebs charge.) Naturally we lined up. Nick just turned 30. He had never seen Star Trek and that included the original series as well as the movies. He knew George Takei from the Howard Stern Show. Ernesto knew about George and Star Trek but dug him most from Howard Stern. I overheard a teacher in the line say her students only knew George as Kaito Nakamura on Heroes.

Well, he'll always be senior helmsman of the Starship Enterprise to me. I asked George to please inscribe my picture: "Live Long and Perspire." He laughed and did so, asking me about my running. (He was a marathoner himself, back in the day.) George finished up and I thanked him. As I left, he said, "live long and perspire."

God willing, I shall, and the same to you, Mr. Sulu.

Fun with Phiippine Phish

blink.net

Cheeky Fellow Seeks Cash From Formerly Overweight Writer

Not the musical group from the early 90s. They are neither foreign, nor do they seek money from me via a scam launched with an old email. Nevertheless, I'm being phished via an ancient account belonging to my cousin's hub. Here is the pitch:

 I'm in Manila, Philippine right now with my family on Holiday and I'm short on cash right here, I tried to access my account from the cash machines here and it's not working, I went to the bank to withdraw and I was informed that I cannot withdraw money from my account in some countries,that it's network errors, I'm thinking if I could get a quick loan of $1,500 from you or anything you can afford to loan me so that I can clear some little things here and also take a cab to the airport. I promise to refund it as soon as I get back home Friday morning, let me know so I can send you my details.

Waiting to hear from you.

I respond:

As you know, I've earned my living for years shooting rabid dogs for the county of Los Angeles.

Due to recent cutbacks, I'm afraid that money has been tight.

I could send you a large jar of change. I don't know if there's $1,500 inside, but the jar

is very large.

Let me know. 

Also, I read somewhere that many of the cash machines in Manila operate by

placing sugar cane into a slot. Did you try that? 

Yours in the Purity of Our Essence,

JP 

The next move is up to Mr. Phish.

Oh, did I mention "formerly overweight?" Yes, I believe I did. My iintermittent fasting diet continues to show results. Last month, I discarded an additional two inches off my waist. I'll weigh myself later today and see where matters rest after two months.

In case you've never seen the Northern Lights, neither has Phish.

PHISHjohnsonPHISH's channel

Fast, Write, Run

Intermittent fast, write short-stores, and chi run, to be specific. This constitutes the bulk of my days. Fast continues into the second month. I overdid it yesterday, because I barely made it to my eight-hour chow block without cheating. Ah, but good old protein did the trick and I'm fine today.

My short story, "Growth," a tale of Hollywood, giant actors, and resentment, was kindly rejected by the venerable Magazine of Fantasy and Science Fiction. On to the next market. Meanwhile, my story of a man involved with a jealous succubus continues to wax and wane in size like the very moon. I like the set-up, but can't seem to locate the ending. More effort, I think.

Today is a running day and I look forward to loping around the perimeter of the Wilson-Harding Golf Course in Griffith Park. On non-running days I used to ride my exercise bike to pump up the cardio. However,  I broke a pedal. Now the bike serves as wardrobe stand.

In a few weeks, I'm away to the Pacific Northwest to visit family and participate in a chi running workshop with the big dog himself, Danny Dreyer. Here's hoping I glean some tips to make me a more relaxed, injury free runner.

A pleasant weekend to you!

Ben Stiller and Jonah Hill in The Watch

This film aired on cable not too long ago. Back in the day, my friend Randy and I wrote a screenplay about a Neighborhood Watch in Hollywood. It was nothing like this film, but Randy tried like heck to sell it. (I went back to college.) Nevertheless, I thought The Watch really had it's moments as Ben Stiller and Jonah Hill grill a young prisoner.


The Watch

The Many Writing Tips of Stephen King

quotes

Horror Master Offers Advice

After 54 novels and 200 short stories, author Stephen King might've gleaned an insight or two from the writing game. Certainly blogs of all kinds have shared his know-how. (As I am doing now.) Here are a few posts containing writing tips, rules, and guidelines, courtesy of the Man From Maine.   

Stephen King's Top 7 Tips for Becoming a Better Writer

Stephen King's 20 Tips

Stephen King's 5 Writing Tips

Stephen King's 10 Writing Tips

Stephen King's Top Twenty Rules

FullStop

Sci-Fi Fantasy Story Submitted for Consideration

Much further down the writing food chain, I've finally sent something out: a tale of show biz, giants and resentment. For a guy determined to publish/place 15 short stories in six months, I'm so far averaging a short story every 30 days. My first offering departed yesterday at 3000 words (approx. 16 double-spaced pages). I'm in motion with the second story, but it's changed radically and I'm still wrestling with a first draft. (But at least I know the ending.) Alas, Dame Life has dropped in with her basket of car-tax-household troubles and time evaporates like whiskey on a drunkard's lips. But I struggle on, as is the way of Mankind.

Workprint

Intermittent Fasting at One Month

clipart.com

Cheap Weight Loss Method Works Fast

Yesterday marked the first month of my intermittent fasting whereby I fast 16 hours a day, leaving myself an eight hour chow window. Other than cutting way, way back on sweets, I didn't count calories or avoid carbs. Regardless of what I consumed, I found I ate less. 

Exercise consisted of walking and/or running a few miles, stationary cycling, and yoga 3 to 5 times a week. Exercise was always done during fast periods. 

After a step on the scale and a stretching of the tape measure, the results are in: I lost two inches off my waist and 12 pounds. 

I'm quite pleased and celebrated by eating four cakes. (Just kidding.) I shall continue through August into early September and see what pound-consuming wonders the next month holds. 

Intermittent Fasting and I

Fat Writer Works on Losing Weight

In  January, I weighed 266 pounds as a result of post-op recovery and writing two books in 2015. My waist was a svelte 48.5 inches. All I could wear were shorts with a moon-sized waist and sweat pants.  So in February, I started walking and stationary biking, doing what I could. By May, I'd dropped 12 pounds, but then put a few back in June. 

Then I heard over at Ace of Spades HQ about this thing called intermittent fasting. As they say over at Nerd Fitness:

"Intermittent fasting is not a diet, but rather a dieting pattern. In simpler terms: it's making a conscious decision to skip certain meals. By fasting and then feasting on purpose, intermittent fasting means eating your calories during a specific window of the day, and choosing not to eat food during the rest."

For the past three weeks, I've been eating during a 6 to 8 hour window every day. The other 16 - 18 hours I don't munch so much as a grape. I exercise 4 to 5 times a week, mostly easy running, always undertaken during the fasting period. 

I feel a bit peckish in the morning, but getting busy on the day's stories overwrites such thoughts. Far less junk food passes my lips and I've yet to be hit with the starvation mode munchies.

In three weeks, I've lost nine pounds. I'll post again on this at the month mark, August 7.

Read more of this intermittent fasting business here. 

Or check out the amusing and informative Hodge Twins as they chat about intermittent fasting in their street-wise, earthy way. 

Hodgetwins 

Short Story Tsunami Underway

I want a JP Mac story, Okay?

Author Aims to Place 15 Short Stories in Six Months.

And not for the first time. (That was Ten-in-Six for those who visited here back in 2009.)  I haven't published a short story since 2012 and that's too stinking long. So off we go again. To date, I have one story with beta readers, one in first draft, and an writing the first draft on a third. I shall probably relay on Duotrope to help me locate markets. Updates when I place. This time out, I crave a spot in  Asimov's Science Fiction. Away, away!

Hallow Mass Hungry for Readers

Give me 50 reviews now.

Yes, this horror tale cries out for fresh eyes. Eyes that read and enjoy the story of a grad school party girl who must risk a ghastly death in order to save the world. Lovecraft lovers will enjoy the many references to the "Dunwich Horror." Those indifferent to Lovecraft will enjoy the story anyway. Available in soft cover and fine eBook formats only at Amazon. 

Periodic Running Update

Chi Running Eases Pressure on Knee

Losing some weight, however, can't be beat. Doing a little of both since my April 5K. I've been walking and running three days a week since February. This is the longest stretch of human locomotion since my knee checked out eight years ago.

I've had a bit of calf stiffness and couldn't be happier. (It's something other than the knee.) Ice and throttling back on training have done their work. Nowadays, I run slowly for 3 miles, then yoga it up on the off days. If all goes well, I may venture another 5K in August. 

Until such time, my goal is to stay in the running—so to speak—and not worry about speed or time. 

On a completely different note, teenagers in a pool two buildings away are playing Marco Polo and shrieking 'ohmygod' as a single word. If I owned an electric eel, and wooden gloves to carry it in, I would truncate this auditory chaos rather quickly.