Battleship Review Up at F.O.G.

Non-precocious teens clutter up action film. Learn more right here, I say.

On the Coyote Trail

My former Team in Training coaches, Jimmy and Kate Freeman, are the founders of Coyote Runners. They and their dynamic peers present a philosophy on life and the open trail. Good stuff for non-runners too. Meanwhile I walk three times a week for less than 3 miles an outing and remain content to do even that much. It can be—and has been—worse.


h/t: Virginia Garner on Facebook

Paul Rugg's New Look Blog

Under new management and showcasing a character from a big blockbuster film of ten years ago. Read about how to pitch an animated series and how to chide thieves.

The Avengers Review Up at F.O.G.

Who crashed the film and wouldn't get out? Learn more at Forces of Geek.

The Dutchman Recalls Riots

The Dutchman weighs in on my riot post.

"Ah, the good times. Of course when I recall those halcyon days of yore and irony, I am reminded of my foolish choices as well. The .22 noise maker had been a gift to my ex-girlfriend/fiancé, who lived in a Silverlake adjacent neighborhood. A porn actress, nude model and gifted fine artist, I have always been attracted to women with interesting backgrounds, diverse experiences and daddy issues. She owned a Papillion that craped everywhere, all the time, except during their frequent walks through their gang infested community. I figured it would be convenient to carry in her purse and its characteristic crack when fired would alert the locals to canvas the area for her body. Eventually we broke up mostly over 2nd amendment issues and some interests of mine she couldn’t bring herself to participate in. She said they were humiliating, unimaginative, not nearly degrading enough and hard on her leather-restraint budget.

At the time of the riots I was married to a depressive Australian, so I kept all my firearms nearby in a customized rig I could throw on if I was going out alone. No need to tempt the Gods if things went badly during an Ashes test match or the America’s Cup. The nine was based on the recommendation of some LAPD officers I made the acquaintance of. They spoke highly of the seventeen round clips and ease of re-loading, so I made my purchase. That is why, in the ignorance of my youth, I was decked out in such an outlandish selection of weapons.

Today, I favor 12’s for close up work and long guns for when I want to reach out and touch someone. As I have matured I have embraced Chaos theory which my neighbors and other potential opponents believe is that the future is not predictable but determined by initial conditions. I of course believe outcomes are determined by a super-secret organization run by Bernie Kopell."

Riots Recalled

My wife remembers the LA riots of a generation ago. I was employed at Warner Bros. out in Sherman Oaks back then. However, no one actually worked that Thursday. Everyone was crowded around a television in Tom Ruegger's office watching the looting of the Beverly Center Shopping Mall. Smoke from the arson fires drifted into the San Fernando Valley and would worsen over the next two days.

We were sent home. My future wife stopped by my Glendale apartment and we watched the chaos on TV. Coverage was non-stop. As we snacked on the couch, seeing familiar places burn or be picked clean by street locusts, Joy coined a term for us: "Riot Potatoes."

The Dutchman, an old friend and veteran sit-com cameraman, lived in Tinsel Town several blocks north of Hollywood Boulevard. When looters sacked a shop just down the street, his fellow neighbors agonized over whether to block off their cul de sac with cars. But no one wanted to volunteer his vehicle. At that moment, The Dutchman strolled into a knot of worried homeowners wearing a 9mm semi-auto on one hip and sporting a .22 semi-auto in a shoulder holster. Holding up his hands, he waited for their full attention then said, "Let us not reason out of fear."

The irony drew a few smiles, as intended, and the looters eventually moved west instead of north.

Time flies faster than Iron Man.

Image: the daily wh.at

Ahoy! 'Pirates' Review Up at F.O.G.

Pirates are so cute and cuddly lately. But this film decided to counter-punch. Find out how and why at Forces of Geek.

Paul Rugg Tossed Off Own Blog!

You knew it was coming, like 2012 or middle age.

But Paul Rugg has been asked to leave blogging.

Learn why and how here and now!

Image: wdw

"Dagon and Jill" in Lovecraft Anthology

IA! IA! I am more feverish than a poet in a madhouse. Wildside Press has released their ebook anthology on the Cthulhu Mythos. This short story collection includes Lovecraftian tales by Conan creator Robert E. Howard, Psycho's very own Robert Bloch, fantasy-horror author Clark Ashton Smith, and fantasy-sci fi scribe Lin Carter. Oh, and a number of tales by some guy named Howard Phillips Lovecraft, including "The Call of Cthulhu."

In addition, there is a novella by T.E.D. Klein. Klein was once editor of The Twilight Zone, a 1980s magazine dedicated to horror. Klein rejected one of the first horror stories I ever sent out back in my college days. He was generous enough to forward the tale to a sister publication, Night Cry. And while the story never found a home, I was motivated to keep typing away by Klein's encouraging note.

Finally, the last story you'll read in Wildside's The Cthulhu Mythos Megapack is my own "Dagon and Jill." Being in such exalted company has made me feel all eldritch and cyclopean. The megapack contains forty stories and is a steal for under a buck. Warm up the Kindle, download a copy and read it in the waning light of a gibbous moon.

Image: hireanillustrator

Three Stooges Review at F.O.G.

All of it. I've held back nothing. See, learn, know.

But not in that order.

Stooges In-Bound

Tom Ruegger suggested I review The Three Stooges. So I have chosen to write a full review based on avoiding the film.

On Thursday, Forces of Geek will unveil my insights into the craft necessary to convincingly portray a chucklehead.

That leaves next week wide open.

Drop me your suggestions for a film to review.

If I run with your suggestion you will see your name printed in this blog in a much larger font that I normally use.

Don't pass on a sterling opportunity.

Wonderful Residuals From the Continent of Europe!

Later today, a story of munificence bestowed upon me courtesy of many European countries. They may be broke, but they did all right by me.

Plus reviews will return this week to F.O.G. after writing chores derailed them.

There will be a good review of...?

Perhaps you should choose.

Pick a film opening this Friday and I will review it sight unseen.

For that is my craft.

The Assault Review Up at F.O.G.

Normally, I sup up French cinema but this time the Frenchies double-crossed me. Learn why here today.

Vonnegut Notes on Short-Story Writing

Tom Ruegger sent me these eight thoughts from Kurt Vonnegut on short story writing.

1. Use the time of a total stranger in such a way that he or she will not feel the time was wasted.
2. Give the reader at least one character he or she can root for.
3. Every character should want something, even if it is only a glass of water.
4. Every sentence must do one of two things—reveal character or advance the action.

5. Start as close to the end as possible.
6. Be a Sadist. No matter how sweet and innocent your leading characters, make awful things happen to them—in order that the reader may see what they are made of.
7. Write to please just one person. If you open a window and make love to the world, so to speak, your story will get pneumonia.
8. Give your readers as much information as possible as soon as possible. To hell with suspense. Readers should have such complete understanding of what is going on, where and why, that they could finish the story themselves, should cockroaches eat the last few pages.

via The Atlantic
Image: TV Tropes

Flush Fiction Contest

America's favorite bathroom reader teeters on the edge of release. My short story "Fresh Ideas" resides within the book's papery grasp.

I will have a spare copy of Uncle John's to dispense, thanks to marketing largess.

Write and tell me what reading in the bathroom has meant to you over the years.

The winner will receive a free copy of the latest edition of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader signed by me. ME!

Deadline is Tue. April 17, so get your porcelain tales in by then.

UPDATE: Send your entries to
Subject Line: Flush Fiction Contest
c/o tiempohablar@yahoo.co.uk

Goon Review Up at F.O.G.

I'm a sucker for brutal dumb guy films.

The Deep Blue Sea Review Up at F.O.G.

Now you'll understand my fury. Now you'll see what has wretched my innards and set my guts a'roiling. You'll read about it here. And you'll know.

Tomorrow on 'Reviews of Films I've Never Seen'

I'm afraid I lose my temper a bit with the makers of The Deep Blue Sea. (The title alone should be a give-away.) The disrespect shown to previous films in other genres really caused me to unload. The squandering of top talent; the fumbled opportunities. It was like watching Laurel and Hardy disarm the atom bomb. You know what's going to happen but are powerless to intervene. I've just placed the finished review in queue and am having an Alka-Seltzer with a Tang chaser. Oh, what a morning and early afternoon I have endured. Read it all Thursday at Forces of Geek.

Image: Jay in VA

I Review a Movie I Have Never Seen at F.O.G.

And never will see. But this is a labor saving method for both of us, as I'm sure you'll agree.

Overthought Reviews Name Change

While talking today with Tom Ruegger about my weekly Forces of Geek film review, it arose that my column handle no longer fit. My reviews are not 'overthought' so much as 'ill-thought' or 'not thought out at all.'

And so editor Stefan Blitz has signed off on my new title: "Reviews of Movies I Have Never Seen." This is closer to the mark. I haven't seen any of the seventeen films I've reviewed since last year. And, at this stage, I don't even bother watching the trailers anymore. I'm just going to make up stuff anyway.

Tomorrow I review Nicholas Cage's latest venture, Seeking Justice. It's not at all bad. Stop by and see for yourself. It won't take long. Because if I'm not going to watch the film, I won't subsequently waste your time and mine typing 700 words of pseudo-critical boilerplate. You'll sorta know what the movie is about and who was in it and that should be enough.

My Favorite Giraffe

A brief video I shot up in Sonoma last year while we vacationed with my sister and her truck-driving husband. Here in the middle of northern California's wine country is a very cool wild animal park. And it's filled with mostly cool wild animals including rhinos and truculent, but near-sighted, cape buffalo. Watch and learn about the noble giraffe.

Forces of Geek: we like pop culture: SILENT HOUSE — Japanese Game Show Won't Translate to Film

Forces of Geek: we like pop culture: SILENT HOUSE — Japanese Game Show Won't Translate to Film

'Knitter's Gift' to Kindle; 'Dagon and Jill' to eBook

So many updates, so much time.

From my written past, The Knitter's Gift has migrated to Kindle. Contained within is my essay, "The Big Sweater," my first non-fiction published piece. (Thanks to editor, Bernadette Murphy.) If you like knitting, and you especially like big knitted sweaters, then this could be your eBook.

Short story "Dagon and Jill" has been accepted into Wildside Press' Megapack Series. This eBook will be released sometime this year.

Also, I've taken all my "Unreasonable Doubt" jury duty posts from last September, polished them to a high gloss, cut out about a thousand words and sent the essay off to a magazine specializing in essays or "creative non-fiction" as it's called nowadays. Hopefully, that story will find a caring home and be allowed to stay up late and watch cable.

Another story, "Death Honk," about how far a man will go for work, has been sent out to a publication that bares no ill-will to reprints.

I've also finished and submitted a brand new short story, "Bummed Out." This would be my first venture outside comedy, horror, both, or bizzare things. I guess you might label it a suspense thriller about brutal teenagers learning their fun isn't always jolly for others—and vice versa.

Idleness? I think not.
Image: Kotaku

The Lorax IS Wilford Brimley

Here is proof and here is my review.

How to Poorly Handle Writing Criticism

For writers, criticism goes with the computer and the coffee mug. However, in most cases, you're better off considering it all bad, hence synonymous with a personal attack. Here are a three easy-to-learn techniques that'll keep critics at a safe distance.

1. THE MIRROR - Suppose a critic says your dialogue seemed trite and forced. I would respond with, "So does yours." If he says the piece started out strong but faltered near the end, then say, "So do your stories, but they never even start out strong." Then accuse him of bigotry.

2. DYING BREATH - The critic begins with false praise, building up aspects of your writing when you know it's all really good. Then comes the smack: "I wasn't sure why you said the antagonist had been to law school, then showed him unable to read a parking sign." One short, sharp exhale coupled with an eye roll should back him off. If the critic persists, let the breaths grow longer and louder while staring a hole in the ceiling. Then accuse him of hating The Other.

3. BTW EXPRESS - Say your critic questions why you wrote the story all in caps. Nod as if considering a measured response, then say,"My soul is in a jar far from here. I can't tell you where or you'll dig it up and own me like a red-haired step child. Did you have more criticism?" Usually that's a stopper. But if your critic is self-willed and continues, hear him out then say, "People often think I have elephantitis because my testicles are so huge." (Women adjust as necessary.) Later, leave an anonymous tip for the cops that your critic is killing the homeless in order to make a 'hobo suit.' I'll bet your continued use of caps will be just fine and dandy.

Spielberg and Warners

A lot to remember over at Cartoonatics as Tom Ruegger shares a photo from back in the day featuring Spielberg, Jean MacCurdy, Bruce Timm and more from 1993.

On The Ice Review Up at F.O.G.

I review my third Alaska movie this year. THREE! When will the film industry find another state? There are 49 left plus Puerto Rico (which is a territory.) Kindly pick one.

I like Alaska movies.

I review them here all the time.

There’s something about the frozen north that touches a primal chord, making me rue the day I traded dynamite whaling for reviewing films.

Call it Man vs. Blubber, but these features always deliver a satisfying kick.

Except for On The Ice.

This latest exploration of the Last Frontier is less a feature and more a quilt of films about Alaskan fauna. And that’s because it was so cold the filmmakers didn’t get enough coverage.

More is present in written form with links right here.

Perfect Sense Review Up at F.O.G.

Where I examine how set decorating is EVERYTHING in a motion picture.

A simple apocalyptic story interwoven with gossamer threads of complexity?

Or a curt dismissal of audience expectations regarding cooks and kitchens?

Director David MacKenzie’s love story set in a crumbling world relies on safe character tropes such as the attractive female scientist and the cook who looks like Ewan McGregor.

But despite the protagonists’ likeability there is a disdain for the audience involving kitchens that startled and upset me like a burning mime.

An acre more of review right here.

17 Tips to Improve Your Writing

Daphne Gray-Grant offers writers advice on how to stop shooting themselves in the foot.

17 things to STOP doing to improve your writing
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Negative writing tips, I find, can be just as helpful as a positive ones. And, often, they're far more memorable. Here, then are 17 things you should stop doing immediately, if you want to improve your writing.

STOP....

1. Giving yourself ludicrously ambitious writing goals. I always roll my eyes when writers tell me they're going to produce 1,500 words a day. Can you spell b-u-r-n-o-u-t? Instead, start with small, easy to achieve goals. I love the Kaizen method.

2. Reading email, twitter or Facebook when you're supposed to be writing. Multitasking is not possible. What you're really doing is constantly interrupting yourself. Turn off your notifications and just write. If necessary, get yourself a Neo Alphasmart.

3. Writing without knowing your word count goal. Would you go on holiday without knowing the destination? Of course not! If your boss or client won't give you a word count, then assign it to yourself.

4. Waiting for inspiration. "I write when I'm inspired and I see to it that I'm inspired at 9 o'clock every morning," said Peter de Vries. Be like him.

5. Outlining. I know some people love outlining the way birds love suet but try mindmapping instead. The downside of outlining? It engages your rule-bound brain. The upside of mindmapping? It inspires your creative brain.

6. Thinking you need an hour to write. Some writing can always be done in five minutes. Scribble a few sentences while you're anticipating a phone call or waiting for a meeting to start.

7. Trying to get a perfect first draft. Did you know Brendan Gill typically wrote 17 drafts of every piece for the New Yorker? 17! First drafts can be steaming garbage. But you can't edit until you have one.

8. Talking about what you're writing. While it's always okay to chat with your writing colleagues, don't lose the urge to tell a story by talking too much about it. Force yourself to communicate by writing.

9. Badmouthing yourself. You're no good, you tell yourself. Your writing is boring. Your readers and clients are suffocating from your prose. This kind of chatter hurts more than your self-esteem -- it also damages your writing. Refuse to pay attention to your Negative Nellie; starve him/her for attention.

10. Editing while you write. Editing is an entirely separate job from writing. Trying to edit while you write is like trying to wash the dishes while you're still eating dinner. Leave the plate-spinning to acrobats.

11. Thinking you need talent. I know this is hard to believe but writing is not generally about talent. It's about work. And persistence. And determination. Oh, it's also about reading, which leads to my next point.

12. Reading too much dreck. Just as you are what you eat, so, too, you write as you read. If you read too much John Grisham you'll start sounding like him. Make your reading habits worthwhile!

13. Expecting to sound like Jane Austen, Mark Twain or even Seth Godin. The converse of point #12 is that you're never going to be able to sound exactly like another writer. He or she didn't have your life experiences or, for that matter, your DNA. There's only so much you can do to change your natural writing voice. Be you.

14. Complaining instead of making a plan. Yes, your boss/client is a jerk. Yes, you're super busy. Yes, your life is tough. But if you want to write, well, then write. Just make yourself a realistic plan. Even just 50 words a day will give you a book at the end of four years.

15. Worrying about publishing (or your boss's/client's goals) WHILE you write. If you really need to worry about what others think, don't do it while you're composing. Writing is writing. Worrying is in its own category.

16. Not getting help when you need it. We all run into difficulty from time to time. If your writing is troubled then consider getting help. Read a book on writing (check the library or consider my book) or take a course (look into night school or think about my convenient online course.)

17. Failing to reward yourself. We all need rewards and so many types of writing are inadequately rewarded. That's why you must reward yourself. Find something that will give you an inexpensive pleasure -- buying a magazine, a book or a song or maybe even going to a movie. Treat yourself -- you've earned it.

Image: JokesBA.com

Big Miracle Review Up at F.O.G.

This week I examine how cunning whales chump a community into help them.

Imagine a community hustled into saving a man who’d gone swimming in an iron bathing suit?

There, you have a neat summary of this film. For the second week in a row we examine a movie set in Alaska. Last week’s The Grey was actually filmed in British Columbia because the snow there was cheaper. However Big Miracle found a suitable location in the Last Frontier for its tale of trapped gray—or grey?— whales and the con job they inflict on a community of gullible people.

More plus a nifty trailer here for you and your eyes.

Hail, Hail Estonia!

Officially, it is now my second favorite national anthem ever. And that includes all time.

h/t: Kimmomurmu

The Grey Review Up at F.O.G.

This film really captivated me except for some funny business with the wolves.

A plane crash, injured men, a blustery storm, a ticking clock, and big wolves.

This film had everything I enjoy in a movie.

To be honest, I often wish these elements were in every movie including The Artist but that’s just stubborn selfishness on my part.

Read oh so much more here.

'Nam a Tough Sell for Author Nolan

There was a time when I burned through military history books by the gross. I read famous authors like Band of Brothers' Stephen Ambrose and not-so-famous guys like Keith William Nolan. My history book reading has fallen off lately and so I just learned Nolan died three years ago from cancer. His specialty was the Vietnam War and his works relied heavily on interviews with American veterans who fought there.

Ten years ago, I had vague plans of producing a film based on Nolan's book about Operation Buffalo, which centered around the ambush of a Marine company in 1967. As I was returning to Cambodia for a project with State Dept./USAID and Warner Bros.—a story in itself—I made plans to visit the battlefields in neighboring Vietnam.

And so I contacted Keith William Nolan and asked for an option to develop a project based around his 1991 book Operation Buffalo: USMC Fight for the DMZ. I mentioned I was a former Marine who had served during the Vietnam era.

He let me have the option free.

That is simply not done in these parts.

By email, I thanked him for his generosity. In time, I toured the landscape of Operation Buffalo, a dangerous patch of ground still peppered with Viet Cong mines and booby traps as well as unexploded American and North Vietnamese artillery shells. I walked the narrow, red dirt lanes on which B Company was ambushed in an action that grew into the bloodiest day for the Marines in Vietnam.

I drew a crowd of Vietnamese, hardly any who had lived there back in the day. (Most had been relocated in 1966, the year prior to the fight.) At one point, I was invited into a hut and asked to tell a few elders what I knew of the event. With kids and dogs yelling outside, I spoke in bursts of English which my interpreter translated into Vietnamese, explaining how a battalion of North Vietnamese lured an understrength Marine company into an trap that wiped out two platoons and shot to pieces a second company that came to help. Some enemy units dressed in captured Marine uniforms to move in close and backed their assault with flamethrowers and heavy artillery—based in nearby North Vietnam.

We drank tea and smoked cigarettes as the sky grew darker outside. Reciting Nolan's book from memory as best I could, I told how the Marines returned the next day to retrieve the bodies of their dead and that turned into another fight. More reinforcements poured in on both sides, culminating in a massive North Vietnamese attack preceded by an artillery barrage. The Marines cut down the charging troops, sealed off breaches in their lines and held. The enemy withdraw back to safety in North Vietnam. Marine patrols from the hill base at Con Thien set out once more to sweep the area and the pattern of Operation Buffalo would be repeated in minor and major keys for the next several years.

Outside the kids gathered around as I reemerged from the hut. There was a huge freaking spider the size of a catcher's mitt hanging in a web attached to a nearby pole. I refused to look at the monster for fear the kids would knock the hulking arachnid down with a stick and chase it toward me to see what the tall foreigner would do.

I came home and the option expired and my movie idea eventually migrated into a rather large folder of unfinished products. Nolan wrote ten books on the Vietnam War, but never made a pile of money. His publisher wanted him to write about "popular wars" because Vietnam didn't sell. But Nolan felt he had an obligation to veterans who were treated quite shabbily. He felt someone had to tell their story.

He stayed true to that calling.

A non-smoker, 44-year-old Keith William Nolan died of lung cancer. He left behind a little girl.

Nolan's books are more than just the story of battles, interesting to history buffs like myself. They are our heritage, our nation's story, told by those present, their deeds preserved for kids like Anna Britt Nolan.

One hot August night, I was at the Vietnam Veterans Memorial in Washington, D.C. Little gifts, flowers and tokens are often left at its base by families, friends, and old comrades come to visit the names of the dead. Apparently a grade school class had passed through earlier and left various letters on lined paper in huge kid scrawl. One in part read: "Dear Grandpa, We saw the Vietnam Wall. I'm sorry you could not tell your stories."

Keith William Nolan could.

(And while many of us are short of money, I'm including trust fund info for Nolan's daughter. If you can, please donate.)

Anna Britt Nolan Trust
c/o First Bank
6211 Midriver Mall Drive
St. Charles, MO 63304

Images: Two-Seven Tooter

Portlandia Moment

Avian Water or Things go better with birds.

h/t: ifc

Haywire Review Up at F.O.G.

Have I come down too hard on suspense-musicals?

Sadly, this cross between The Bourne Identity and Funny Lady misses the mark on two fronts.

A meat and potatoes plot was stretched into disturbing shapes by this attempt to shoehorn show tunes into places they were never meant for.

At first, Haywire was reassuringly familiar—hot-chick Mallory Kane (Gina Carano), black ops specialist for Uncle Sam, speeds into harm’s way on her latest mission.

Read more at this link before you.

Laurel and Hardy and Michael Jackson

Laurel and Hardy anticipate the '80s in this clip from Way Out West.

h/t: aceface1969

Gutless Huntsman Betrays Me!

Like most politicians, Huntsman is completely self-centered, thinking only of what's best for himself and not me. The Huntsman was summoned. The Horn of Urgency sounded. And old Jon bailed. He couldn't even hang on until the convention in August; make a scrap out of it; draw coverage for tenacity; inspire Rachel Maddow to play version after version of the Huntsman theme song. Bahh! Go back to Shanghai!
h/t: Hot Air
Image: LA Times

Albatross Review Up at F.O.G.

Learn why bees are a good addition to any family drama.

Paul Rugg's Pre-Fab Man Cave

A work in progress but progressing nonetheless. There is electricity, a European-looking device for dispensing heat and coolness that operates via handheld remote, plus a loft and paint-splotched walls. In addition there are exposed wires for a future ceiling fan.

We're I a true 21st century blogger I would accompany this article with cell phone photos but I defiantly haven't. Perhaps soon.

Thoughts for Sunday Evening

Barfly philosophy.

h/t: garyxfloyd

The Devil Inside - Review

Forces of Geek unveils my look at the latest exorcism extravaganza.

Lady Gaga and Mayor Bloomberg Meet the Animaniacs

On ABC last night, I watched these two oddly-paired people drop the Times Square New Year's Eve ball.

As 2011 counted down, all I could think was, "I wish Animaniacs were still on the air." Yakko, Wakko, and Dot would've cleaned up on Gaga and the New York City mayor, not to mention Dick Clark. Dick seemed so blasted he couldn't keep up with the count on screen. He behaved more like an animatronic attraction than a famous fellow.

Nevertheless, today is 2012 and we travel forward into an unsullied new year.

Still, 'Gaga Over New Years' would write itself.

Image: Yahoo! news

Iron Lady Review Up at F.O.G.

Your Write Enough host bemoans all the politics that clutter up The Iron Lady and interfere with a good ghost tale.

Burn away some silly political material and you’re left with the meat of this film— a former British Prime Minister finds herself haunted by a ghost.

This peek at the later years of Margaret Thatcher blurs the line in a mirthful way between living and dead, objective reality and the spectral.

We’re invited to ponder universal questions such as whether we’ll see ghosts if we make it to our 80s—and will our ghosts be as puckish as Mrs. Thatcher’s translucent visitor.

Read more at this particular spot.

Merry Christmas!

Drunks are mangling Karaoke across the street. It's not the same as a choir of angels, but it might be louder. None the less, a most blessed and joyful Christmas to all my family, friends, and social media chums. May the coming year be filled with good fortune for you and bad fortune for Mayan calendar doom-sayers. In the meantime, enjoy the worst Christmas tear-jerker ever.

h/t: theartofmancraft

We Bought A Zoo Review Up at F.O.G.

This week's look at a new release.



A sentimental tale of a family purchasing a zoo, this film swung and missed for our hearts by ignoring CGI and 3D.

Opportunities for an epic scale were jettisoned in favor of old-fashioned story and acting rendered entirely on film.

What could’ve have been the adventure of a lifetime was compressed to an ordinary heart-warming tale about living life and reaching out to others. (As if reaching out to others wouldn’t have been infinitely cooler in 3D.)

More to be read here.

The Hobbit Trailer

I almost wish they would release the whole film in trailer-sized bites so I didn't have to wait until Dec. 2012. Hopefully the Mayans won't destroy the world before the movie comes out. Damn Mayans. Selfish, self-centered people with a stupid calender. No pretty girl pictures on it—anywhere. Did you notice?

h/t: Thissitehere

Paul Rugg - Shed Master

For those of you wondering about the reclusive Paul Rugg, he is in the process of being evicted from his man cave. Resourceful as a fat man outside a locked bakery, Paul staked out a portion of back yard and is having a large shed erected with electric power and a window made of real glass. From here, he will pour out mirth upon the world in a manner and time of his choosing.

See a picture of the shed rising.
Image: behindthevoiceactors

Tom Ruegger's Wonderful Life

Cartoonatics takes a personal look back at Frank Capra's Christmas classic, It's A Wonderful Life. A great film and one I can identify with as a guy who once thought life really cranked up someplace other than where I was. Go read and remember.

Image: downtherabbithole

'Chipwrecked' Review Up at F.O.G.

(Forces of Geek once again hosts my cinematic take on an upcoming release.)

Not since Goin’ Coconuts has a tropical movie misfired on so many cylinders. No amount of witty lines can lighten arson, murder, and a descent into barbarism.

And that’s what awaits in Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked.

Read the rest here.

Sea Dentist

(Part one of a Write Enough series on TV animated shows that never quite made it to air.)

With the growing success of "SpongeBob" in 2000, the TV animation industry sought out a nautical-themed show that hopefully would absorb success vapors from the popular Nickelodeon series. The race was on and Cartoon Network appeared to be leading after staff artist Cleve Metapontum pitched a series idea revolving around a rude veterinary dentist who lived aboard ship and serviced various sea creatures—willing and unwilling.

Metapontum had been working as a background artist on I Am Weasel and conceived the idea after an unstable Burbank dentist flung salt water in his face. (There was a law suit, later settled.)

Cartoon Network executive Laudi Krate quickly spotted the potential of "Dentist" and wasted no time calling Atlanta for instructions. A pilot was ordered and Krate told to 'hustle this one along.'

Under pressure, Krate promoted character designer Higgins Benzine to produce. Benzine was controversial. Despite many years in animation, he could not draw an oval head. Worse, he despised Metapontum whom he considered a 'cubicle ape,' lacking the skill to 'draw a game of Hang Man.'

Often great art emerges from a clash of personalities but not this time. After a series of loud arguments and flung pencils, an angry Metapontum produced a dark 22-minute script in which Sea Dentist extracts the teeth of a tiger shark and cements them into the mouth of a harbor seal who then proceeds to kill and eat a wind surfer. Sea Dentist, employed by "The United Nations Sea Counsel," denies having anything to do with the incident and sails to Panama.

Krate was horrified. The script lacked several key elements considered necessary in children's animation. Among them were likable characters, humor, and no wind surfers slashed to pieces. Metapontum defended his script, claiming, "Dentists are really like that. Seriously." More drafts were ordered and eventually the story acquired a child character while deaths were changed to prat falls, and Sea Dentist became 'crusty but lovable.'

Nevertheless, the caustic chemistry between Benzine and Metapontum poisoned the production. Factions formed and artists would lunch with either producer or show creator. So intense was the hatred that artists in the Benzine camp began losing the ability to draw oval heads. Meanwhile, Metapontum supporters voiced a hatred for dentists and oral hygiene in general.

After several contentious months, an episode was completed in which an acerbic but kindly Sea Dentist aids a killer whale by installing a fixed partial denture (or bridge). Later, in a battle with anti-aquatic dental forces, Sea Dentist falls overboard and is saved by the very whale whom he earlier helped. The story and artwork were a compromise enforced by Krate. Metapontum hated having a dentist portrayed in a positive light while Benzine loathed the art work, claiming the oval heads "looked all wrong."

By now, Atlanta was demanding the pilot. In a frenzy, layouts, model sheets, etc. were shipped to a Korean animation house. But no one figured on Benzine. At his own expense, he flew into Seoul and tinkered with the models. As a result, the human characters lacked oval heads. Sea Dentist had a head that was pumpkin-round with what appeared to be a ramp extending out above his right ear.

Krate and Metapontum went ballistic when they saw the footage, but there was no time or budget for retakes. Krate shipped the program to her Cartoon Network bosses with a cover note praising the 'quirky animation that is also iconic in an unspecified way.'

Despite a compelling all-lute music track, the project was mercifully put down. Like The Day the Clown Cried, grainy copies of Sea Dentist circulated quietly throughout the animation world and became the stuff of dystopian legend.

Not surprisingly, Cleve Metapontum, Higgins Benzine and Laudi Crate resurfaced at different studios. And while they would never work together again, this trio was involved with other animated TV shows that managed to miss the airwaves.

Images: fossilsforkids.com and istockphoto