How to Poorly Handle Writing Criticism

For writers, criticism goes with the computer and the coffee mug. However, in most cases, you're better off considering it all bad, hence synonymous with a personal attack. Here are a three easy-to-learn techniques that'll keep critics at a safe distance.

1. THE MIRROR - Suppose a critic says your dialogue seemed trite and forced. I would respond with, "So does yours." If he says the piece started out strong but faltered near the end, then say, "So do your stories, but they never even start out strong." Then accuse him of bigotry.

2. DYING BREATH - The critic begins with false praise, building up aspects of your writing when you know it's all really good. Then comes the smack: "I wasn't sure why you said the antagonist had been to law school, then showed him unable to read a parking sign." One short, sharp exhale coupled with an eye roll should back him off. If the critic persists, let the breaths grow longer and louder while staring a hole in the ceiling. Then accuse him of hating The Other.

3. BTW EXPRESS - Say your critic questions why you wrote the story all in caps. Nod as if considering a measured response, then say,"My soul is in a jar far from here. I can't tell you where or you'll dig it up and own me like a red-haired step child. Did you have more criticism?" Usually that's a stopper. But if your critic is self-willed and continues, hear him out then say, "People often think I have elephantitis because my testicles are so huge." (Women adjust as necessary.) Later, leave an anonymous tip for the cops that your critic is killing the homeless in order to make a 'hobo suit.' I'll bet your continued use of caps will be just fine and dandy.