Smokin' Hot Chicago Marathon 2007

In honor of tomorrow's LA Marathon and the record temperatures slated to vex runners, I repost once more my account of a hot, humid marathon where the water stations ran dry and the course was closed. Let's hope such a doom does not befall the City of Angels. All the best to participants, especially the San Gabriel Valley Marathon Team in Training. You guys are champions of a most noble variety.

First reposted October 8, 2013 as Chicago Marathon 2007 where I said that six years earlier, I had run  my third marathon in Chicago. Or, at least, I had attempted such a feat.

Here's my  initial 2007 race report originally posted under the heading Sweat Home Chicago.

All three entries are pretty much the same. Note: "TNT" stands for Team in Training.

Marathon number three continued my tradition of only running marathons with temperature extremes. At dawn it was an overcast, humid 75 degrees and climbing. My niece dropped me off near the lake-front start line around 7:00 AM. I checked my gear, loosened up with T'ai Chi, then stood in a tightly-packed brick of humanity waiting for the 8:00 gun. As the overcast dissolved into popcorn-shaped clouds, the sun rose above Lake Michigan. It felt like a furnace door opening.

Because of crowd size, it took me 20 minutes to cross the mat.

Interesting Stat:

The Chicago Marathon sold out all 45,000 spots back in April.

But only 35,867 passed the start line Sunday morning. That means 9,133 people figured out it was too stinking hot to run.

Lots of TNT runners from Illinois, Iowa, Kansas, New York City and even Louisiana.

The field was so packed it was tough to interval. Those who intervaled clashed with those who viewed the far right of the course as a passing lane. My goal was a 4 hour and 40 minute marathon. I aimed to interval four minutes running/ and one walking up to the half-marathon mark, then see how I felt.

Leaving Grant Park, the course turned onto LaSalle Street just past Mile 2 and headed north. No water at the first stop — they'd run out. There was a mob around the folding tables, shaking gallon water jugs to get the last drops. The surrounding street was littered with flattened Gatorade and Hinkley water cups from the preceding runners. (Wet, flat plastic cups are like ice. You had to watch your footing.) People were highly pissed — especially those without water belts. (I'd brought mine.) One runner had a bottle of Gatorade. He took a sip, passed it back to me. I took a sip and passed it on to another runner. This no-water business boded ill.

Running for several miles on LaSalle, you'd get an occasional breeze through the tall buildings. I'd take off my visor and savor the cool air. Then out into Lincoln Park where the water stations remained a problem. Runners were surging across the street to the first one they saw. Sometimes there was only Gatorade. Other times, volunteers couldn't keep up with demand and runners served themsevles. Whenever possible, I grabbed two cups, drinking one and dumping the other over my head. (In today's Chicago Tribune, the race director blamed runners for the water shortages, citing those who took two cups.)

Around mile eight, I saw an old white-haired runner drift off course and ask a spectator if he could sit in his lawn chair. (The guy helped him down.) By now, sirens whooped all over the city as ambulances rushed the first heat casualties to the hospital.

The heat was getting to me. For the moment, I slowed but kept the same interval. But as we turned west onto Adams, the shade disappeared. No tall buildings, no leafy tree-lined streets with brick apartments. I passed a medical tent and it was full: runners on cots and others holding ice bags to their heads. Past the half-way point, I started tossing out goals like a passenger on a sinking boat dumping freight. Dropping to a 3:1 run/walk, I slowed pace even more. After frying my brain in Honolulu two years ago, I listened to my body and if it said walk more, I did.

We doubled-back east on Jackson and finally found a little shade. Turning south on Halsted to mile 17, I was mostly walking. I'd pick a point and run to it, or run half a mile, or choose a runner going about my speed and tag along. I took another salt tablet, but skipped goo as it made me retch.

Somewhere around mile 18, the cops bull-horned that the race had been cancelled. No finishing times would be official. Please walk. There was a great deal of confusion. By now, the city had opened up fire hydrants and fire trucks stood at certain intersections hosing down the crowd. (Not to mention ordinary Chicago citizens with garden hoses doing the same.) Finally, in the Mexican neighborhood of Pilsen, around mile 19 it sunk into the vast majority of runners that the 2007 Chicago Marathon was toast — just like them. Some runners dropped out at the nearest medical tent where they'd be bussed back to the start line. Some ran on. A nasty rumor surfaced that we wouldn't get medals. This put me into a black mood.

Come what may, I was determined to finish. Because my legs hurt, I ran 1:1 off and on to around mile 22, then walked to mile 26. Along with many others, I ran the final .02 because there were cameras present. 24,933 runners crossed the finish line.

And they did give out medals.

I finished in 5 hours, 48 minutes and 23 seconds. Check the Comments of my previous post where Jeff Carroll has listed my unofficial splits.

One man died and over 300 were hospitalized for heat injuries.

The people lining the route were great. Many offered water or ice cubes, staying on to cheer in the heat long after the race was called.

As for the "other" race — the front end of the marathon where people actually had a chance to win — Kenyan Patrick Ivuti beat Moroccan Jaouad Gharib by .05 of a second. (2:11:11) The top woman's finisher, Ethiopian Berhane Adere edged Roumanian Adriana Pertea in the homstretch. Pertea thought she had the race knocked, and eased off, waving to the crowd as she neared the finish. Adere poured on the coal to catch and pass Pertea for the win. (2:33:49.)

Given my injuries since April, I couldn't think of a better race to cancel. But if I'd been a TNTer who'd fund-raised and trained for this moment, or a runner eager to pr, I'd be supremely miffed at Sunday's outcome. For over a week, I'd been tracking the temperature. I knew it would be hot and humid. Hence, the race organizers did also. I find it hard to believe they couldn't increase the amount of water stations, change the start time to earlier, or better prepare for the heat onslaught they knew was coming. The Honolulu Marathon faces these conditions every year. No one could pick up a phone?

In any case: mission accomplished. After 30 years, I finally finished the Chicago Marathon.

Thanks to Ryan, Raul, Jeff and K for the emails. I'm walking around fine after sleeping eleven hours last night.

As for now, I'm not looking at any marathons before next fall in Pasadena. But don't tell anyone I'm entering.

They'll kick me out to avoid extreme weather.

(All photos courtesy of the Chicago Tribune.)

Killer Conan Podcast

Frank Frazetta.org

The Barbarian recalled in an epic seven hours of podcasting, courtesy of The Projection Booth. Explore all aspects of the world's favorite Cimmerian, from the Robert E. Howard short stories to John Milius, to sword and sorcery in general.   Sup upon music and a wealth of video clips. But the steaming raw meat of the thing will be host Mike White's commentary, aided by fellow podcasters El Goro and John Hadley.

As aficionados may observe, I have chosen a Frank Frazetta art piece that once graced the paperback cover of Howard's re released Conan canon many years ago. (That's quite a sentence.) I remarked on Frank here.

So flex your thews and enjoy this multimedia feast. But know you must supply your own lamenting women.

Do You Hate 50 Shades?

My '50 Shades' satire punches the lights out of E.L. James' clunky, cliched prose as well as mocking her homage to rich stalkers. Set in the old west, Fifty Shades of Zane Grey lampoons the blockbuster  trilogy that led to a blockbuster movie telling the tale of a lip-biting young woman who battles a bad case of murmuring, a railroad tycoon who wants to beat her, and an Inner Canadian Goose pecking at the inside of her head at the most inappropriate times.

STRIKE BACK AT E.L. JAMES

You've expressed your outrage via Amazon reviews. You've scratched your head in bewilderment at friends dashing off to see the film. You've threatened your own daughters with a phoneless future if they even think of reading James' turgid prose—basically Twilight fan fic: substitute rich guy for vampire and you got Fifty Shades. (Except there's no Indian werewolves, but there is a sap who loves the main chick and gives new meaning to dorky unrequited love.)

KINDLE COUNTDOWN

Your moment has arrived to read the one parody that dares mock the 50 Shades colossus for only $3.99. And starting next week you can enjoy the laughs and save 76% off the eBook price. No Kindle, no problem. Amazon WANTS you to buy my book and will provide you with an easy-to-install app that allows reading on your computer, laptop, Apple Watch, whatevs. Lo, the time of savings draws near:

Starting Fri. March 20 8:00 AM Pacific Time to

Sun. March 21 1:00 PM pay only .99. That's less than a dollar for a parody powerhouse guaranteed to put a smile on your unbitten lips.

Sun. March 22 1:00 PM to

Wed. March 24 6:00 PM save 51% and pay only $1.99. That's two bucks for an eBook taking the lumber to head-cocking, and bag out tea. 

Wed. March 24 6:00 PM to

Fri. March 27 midnight you still save 26%, paying a mere $2.99. That's three bucks for a tale proving that love is not easy, especially when you end up wearing a mule harness. 

Mark your calendar. Even if you don't take advantage of this amazing discount, mark your calendar anyway. It's fun and beefs up your fine motor skills. 

Join the growing tide of Anti 50 Shaders. Read Fifty Shades of Zane Grey and bask in the satisfaction that you were right and all those who loved the book were higher than old hippies in Colorado. 

Have fun!  

Image: I Hate 50 Shades of Grey

50ZG eBook Promo

Despite no interest from Hollywood, Fifty Shades of Zane Grey will be advertised tonight on the silver screen. Only one silver screen and it's in Barrington, Illinois. But from the smallest of cells life multiplied and flourished upon the Earth. Many thanks to Tim O'Connor, owner of The Catlow Movie Theater and an old high school chum. Tim crafted a nifty 15 second promo that he'll show before tonight's feature. It's almost like a film debut, except there's no movie. But haggling over details gets us nowhere. Here's what the promo will look like.

T.C. Boyle Aces Award

Author T. Coraghessian Boyle stands to snag a Los Angeles Times Book Award. According to USC:

"Boyle, writer in residence and distinguished professor emeritus of English at the USC Dornslife College of Letters, Arts, and Sciences, will receive the Robert Kirsch Award for Lifetime Achievement. His books include The Woman, Drop City, The Tortilla Curtain, East is East, and The Road to Wellville. 


Read more here. 

Boyle was my creative writing mentor at USC. Four times a semester one of your short stories would be selected for review and discussion by the class.

How T.C. Boyle Ran a Class

As an author, you had to sit there and take-it, Boyle's reasoning being that you wouldn't be hanging around a magazine or book editor's office explaining what you meant. The piece stood on it's own merits. If it didn't have any, it fell. With a wit drier than a Santa Ana wind, he would moderate the discussions, limit the undergrad snark, and try and draw out from the class what he discerned as the story's strong and weak points. Post-discussion, you would receive Boyle's written critique on the back of your pages as well as a letter grade. Spelling and punctuation counted. This was pre-texting, so university students could still spell—most of them. 

Boyle's Picks and World's End

When we weren't writing or reading other classmate stories, we read the fiction Boyle assigned. Not his own, though many of us went out and bought Budding Prospects or Greasy Lake. He introduced us to authors such as Raymond Carver and Flannery O'Connor. Carver's short story "Cathedral" still resonates as does O'Connor's "A Good Man is Hard to Find."At the time, Boyle was doing research for World's End and would tell us after class of visiting amputee wards. At the time, it seemed pretty gruesome. But when you read the book, you can see how his research lends itself to the story.

The Killing Fields and T.C. Boyle 

I was to see plenty of amputees fifteen years later when I traveled to Cambodia for a project with Warner Bros., the State Department, and USAID. (An adventure I will write about eventually.) My companions and I visited a killing field outside of Phnom Penh. Around 15,000 people were killed there by the communist Khmer Rouge in the 1970s: shot, strangled, buried alive, or with their heads sawed off on the serrated branches of sugar palms. There are bones embedded in trees, bones baked into the ground. Around this former orchard, there are mass graves still to be exhumed. And in case you haven't absorbed enough genocide, there is a stupa—Buddhist shrine—containing five thousand skulls. That was a fairly depressing tour, more darkly numbing than visiting the U.S. Postal Museum. Naturally, the killing fields had their own gift shop. You could buy old Khmer Rouge currency, a selection of Red Stars and a small number of books. 

One of those books was World's End—in German. 

I thought, 'you gotta be kidding me,' but then figured why not Boyle? I laughed and wished I could tell him. I think he would've dug a most surreal moment. 

In any case, his class was my favorite, the high point of my scholastic week. I congratulate Professor Boyle on his latest award and wish him well on the next book. And remember to look alive in the Third World—Boyle is everywhere. 

So long, Jeff Carroll

2006 San Diego Marathon. Jeff is the burly guy looking to camera. 

Ten years ago during my Team in Training running days, I met Jeff Carroll. Jeff was around my age, a painting contractor, college athlete—soccer, then he became a place kicker for some football team  here in California— married with teenage sons, and a big Notre Dame fan. His sister was also present on that San Gabriel Marathon Team, raising money to fight leukemia and lymphoma while training to finish 26.2 miles.

That fall, Jeff was putting in the miles for the Phoenix Marathon, while I was gearing up to run Honolulu. In spring, he'd already notched the LA Marathon and was a distance running veteran, with lots of sound advice for rookies like me. (Jeff taught me to carry plastic leaf bags on long runs as a poor man's raincoat, as well as a handy disposable warm-up jacket for races.)

He was a grounded guy, down-to-earth—families will do that for you. We shared long runs talking about home equity and our jobs and the aches and pains of middle age. Completing our races, we reupped for another round with TNT, signing up for the San Diego Marathon. I was determined to better my Honolulu time. Jeff advised me not to push it, but I knew better. I hurt my knee, recovered, then broke a bone in my foot. No marathon for me that year. 

I can't remember if Jeff signed up for the fall 2006 marathon team. (I did and trained for the 2007 Phoenix Marathon.) But he used to read this blog and would stop by every now and then with a remark or a word of congratulations when I set some pr. We eventually fell out of touch. 

Today I learned Jeff died from cancer.

While we were never super close, I can't help but feel diminished. Jeff was good guy, steady, loved by his family. I would have liked to see him stack up another decade or two, but that's the way things roll. No guarantees. Still, Jeff seemed to have wrung a great deal out of the years that he had.

So good-bye, teammate. May God welcome you into the Great Beyond where there's no such thing as  a sore IT band and the water stations serve beer and it doesn't hurt your time. 

Photo: Mark McQuaid

Review: Quartered Safe Out Here

Quartered Safe Out Here: A Harrowing Tale of World War II by George MacDonald Fraser
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

Author Fraser served in the English forces toward the end of the Second World War, fighting in Burma with an infantry outfit. His recollections of battle, hardship, his mates and the Japanese enemy are vividly rendered, as you might expect from a lifelong journalist and author of the Flashman series. Fraser is delightfully non-P.C., holding no regrets for his service, seeking no self-pity, and believing in the justice of his cause.

And while this is a quick, insightful read on a little-known aspect of World War II, my only quarrel is with the author's ear. He accurately depicts the words and phrases of his North Country comrades. But in this case, accuracy clashes with readability as the mangled vowels and consonants slow down the flow and occasionally jar you off the page.

That aside, an interesting non-fiction look at a forlorn corner of the war that was no less deadly for it's obscurity.


View all my reviews

3 Books: Brains, Bling and Beating Diabetes

Lately it seems everything on this blog is 50ZG. True, but there are other books on the market, in fields other than snarky satire. Said books examine a wide range of issues from our sense of touch, to our sense of style, to our desire to avoid Type 2 diabetes.  More importantly, said books are written by people I know. Expand your knowledge base and enjoy the following:

Touch: The Science of Hand, Heart and Mind
Author David J. Linden went to high school with my wife. Later, he become a neuroscientist at Johns Hopkins University School of Medicine and a New York Times bestselling author of two readable books on the mind. Now he tackles the skin and our sense of touch, pointing out our lifelong need for human interaction and how touch organs influence everything from social growth to consumer choice. Discover why we're so "touchy" in under three-hundred pages. Find the man online at David J. Linden Neurobiologist and Author. 

Chain Mail + Color: 20 Jewelry Projects Using Aluminum Jump rings, Scales, and Disks
Author Vanessa Walilko is my niece. Later, she went on to found her own jewelry business, win competitions and see her work displayed in films such as Night at the Museum 3. The go-to gal on costume chain mail, Vanessa offers the crafty easy-to-follow guides for projects involving the aforementioned jump rings, scales, disks, plus washers, all in a variety of colors. If you're stuck inside for winter, this well-illustrated book will help you pass time making necklaces and bracelets until your street finally gets plowed or spring arrives. The author may be found online arguing with bull nerds about Elven power pods, or, more likely, conducting business at: Kali Butterfly: Dynamic Chainmail Jewelry.

 Blood Glucose Levels and Diabetes Control (The Diabetes Leading Edge Series Book 1)
Authors Barbara and Clyde Goodheart are the parents of my dear friend Karen, whom I used to work with at the post office in Skokie, Illinois. Later, Barbara went on to become a distinguished medical writer and Clyde to become a scientist with a string of degrees. Now they are collaborating on a trio of eBooks addressing the very pressing issue of diabetes. With diabetes cases expected to increase by 165% over the next thirty years, this is a good time to learn about your blood sugar, what can go wrong and why. If you or a loved one are new to the disease, these books can give you the knowledge you need to fight that bad boy. Find Barbara online at: Barbara Goodheart.com

Joe Leahy Promos 50ZG

The silver-tongued Mr. Leahy.

Voice actor ace Joe Leahy has elected to promote Fifty Shades of Zane Grey on Google + and Twitter:
Congrats +John P. McCann  #books   #authors   #googlepluscommunity   #googlepluscircleshare   #amazondeals   #fiftyshadesofgrey  

A real pro, Joe was a blast to work with on Freakazoid! and I appreciate his support.

Over at the blog Protein Wisdom, Darleen Glick compares the book to Spinal Tap—high praise, indeed—and writes:

"So I bring to your attention a delicious little parody via Amazon called Fifty Shades of Zane Grey. An inspired mash-up of soft-core bondage porn and purple-prosed westerns."

Amazon reader Jim Wright included in his review:

"If you like The Funny, JP Mac brings it. I laughed several times per page. If you have a taste for good Bad Writing, this is a feast."

Thank you Joe, Darleen and Jim.

With the success of the film, I'm liking the shelf life of anything lampooning "Fifty Shades."

Image: twiki

TVIT with James Arnold Taylor

Actor James Arnold Taylor joined That Voice Over Improv Thing for improvised laughs last Wednesday. The voice of Johnny Test as well as Obi-Wan-Kenobi in several animated versions of Star Wars, Taylor played Johnny Test hanging out with Freakazoid (Paul Rugg) at an airport as well as Obi-Wan-Kenobi, in the evening's best moment, arguing with Darth Vader over laundry.

Listen and discover how composer and keyboardist Steve Bernstein became "Steve Blustein." Lots of fun for everyone.

Image: Vector Diary

Emmy and Me

Smiles came easy that week. 

Back in the day photo of myself and my Animaniacs Emmy. Paul Rugg hauled it back from New York and presented it to me at my wedding rehearsal dinner. That was an amazing week: winning two Emmys and getting married. And while the awards were nice, they won't do a thing for you when you're home post-op with a catheter and a drain bulb. If you ever have a choice, get married.

50ZG #9 in Hot New Satire Releases

Fifty Shades of Zane Grey is on the move not only in satire, but also:

Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #12,420 in Kindle Store

50ZG #13 In Amazon Hot New Releases

At least for this hour.

Humor and satire is a tough category. My book is in there with Kurt Vonnegut, Mark Twain, Voltaire. But maybe the thinking should be: they're in there with JP Mac. Nevertheless, a fine spot to hold on the day before the 50 Shades film release.

Thanks to Instapundit for the link.

More as the saga unfolds.

Paul Rugg on 50ZG

Over at Froynlaven, Paul Rugg has a few thoughts on 50 Shades, plus complimentary things to say about my version: Fifty Shades of Zane Grey plus musings on contemporary romance and alternatives to the film version of 50 Shades. Give it a fine read.

Review: Undrastormur

Undrastormur by Roger Eschbacher
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

Drawing on Norse mythology, this short fantasy piece tells the tale of a young man who must recover a magic talisman in order to free his village from man-eating trolls.

Good opening and fast pace move the story forward. Protagonist Erik is a reluctant hero,a young man guided by a guardian spirit and compelled to visit a dreaded underworld to locate the only magical item powerful enough to slay trolls. But is Erik wizard enough to control the mighty Undrastormur or Wonder Storm?

There's enough description to color in the setting without bogging the reader down in a sea of made-up names. The characters seemed real and the dialogue crisp, with humor blended in to balance the action.

A fast satisfying read.

View all my reviews

50ZG Launches!

A different kind of romance. 

At last, Amazon pulls the lever, opens the door, throws the switch, kicks the Kraken in the buns, or whatever it is they do, and put up Fifty Shades of Zane Grey. In Kindle eBook format, my parody of E.L. James' steamy best-seller is ready for the reading public. Is it steamy? Not really. It's pretty PG. I didn't think I could top professional steamy writers, let alone the astounding variations you find on the Web. But I can make fun of E.L. James' writing style and have in time for Friday's release of the movie.

So, back to work on TV animation. But I leave you with the words of Napoleon:

"Victory belongs to the most persevering. It also belongs to tall people whom I hate. Victory would be better if it only belonged to persistent shorties like me. But you can't have everything and that's precisely what I want. I'm going to Russia now."

"In Review" Plus 12

telltalegames

During the Second World War, men served in the armed forces for the duration plus six months. That meant you were "in the army now" for the entire war plus six additional months there after. (Hell of a note if we'd lost. In fact, we won and soldiers weren't too crazy about it.) This is where I roughly sit regarding the publication of Fifty Shades of Zane Grey. According to an Amazon email from this morning, being "in review" lasts for an indeterminate amount of time followed by twelve hours of technical this 'n that.

Amazon estimated another two days to publication.

On my author page it clearly states that review AND technical this 'n that comes out to twelve hours total. (Naturally, they hedge by taking it all back in the next sentence, but that's probably the legal department.) Up to this point, Amazon has loaded my last two eBooks on their site within the now-fuzzy twelve hour window.

It's not like my book is some whopping 1,400 page Stephen King novel, or a four-volume history of maritime law. It's a hundred and four page parody. That's it. Does it really take five days to vet the thing?

“Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet . . . unless you're trying to publish on Amazon.com. Then go open a Lyceum."

—Aristotle 

Hour 28 "In Review" and Auden

Boy, are you ever. 

Amazon really porked me on this one. All the promos I set up for today are shot. Now on to what? Weekends are peak Kindle sales and they'll probably still be farting around well into Saturday. This is a rare moment when I'm glutted with paying gigs—a marketing deadline tomorrow morning and animation deadlines on Monday, Tuesday with another marketing deadline on Wednesday. I'd counted on having the eBook up and running, but now it will arrive in the midst of everything else.

"About suffering they were never wrong,
The Old Masters: how well they understood
Its human position; how it takes place
While someone else is eating or opening a window or just
walking dully along;"

—Musee des Beaux Arts
W.H. Auden

Gilbert Gottfried Reads '50 Shades'

h/t: Jest-What's Funny Today

Meanwhile, I'm stuck "in review," awaiting Amazon to approve my parody eBook. This is the most pre-publicity I've done on a launch and now Amazon hangs me up. Come on, guys. Set it free.

Kardashian Luvs '50 Shades'

A private film screening. A celebrity. An opinion. And that opinion is 'So hot!' Thus does Kim Kardashian pronounce her thoughts on the screen version of Fifty Shades of Grey. Click on the link and see the new trailer.

Tomorrow Fifty Shades of Zane Grey, my E.L. James parody set in the Old West, goes live on Amazon.com, also available on my Amazon author page. There will be lip biting, murmuring, and raids by the Sioux.

Below Will Ferrell and Zack Galifianakis take a shot at reading the best-selling, erotic novel bound for the big screen next Friday.

h/t: S T Media 

Friends in Hell Podcast

Here is the podcast, thanks to the generosity of Kevinn Gomez, a busy young guy aiming to make a mark in animation. I believe he will.

Friends in Hell Podcast Plus

Today at 4:30 PM Pacific Time, I will again be chatting with podcaster Kevinn Gomez. I have no idea what he'll ask, but I shall answer in some fashion and off we go.

TV animation writing has picked up. I have an assignment for Thomas Edison's Secret Lab and await a premise for Tom Ruegger on 7D.

Chapters from 50 Shades of Zane Grey are arriving hot off the copy editor's screen. We're looking at a launch next Friday, Feb. 6 at Amazon Kindle. So break out your e readers and stand by. I'll post a link to the book page as soon as Amazon vets my version. Or you can always check out my Amazon Author page.

Be chipper in all your tasks this day.

Thomas Edison's Secret Lab and friends. More info at kidscreen.

TVIT with Actor Tom Wilson

wallpaperkid

My bad, but Wednesday night saw edition five of That Voiceover Improv Thing casting forth it's laugh net over our fine web. Featuring voice over artists performing an hour of comedy improv, the podcast featured guest Tom Wilson. Because you did not laugh Wednesday night does not mean you cannot laugh tonight, a Sunday, a slow night for laughs. Take advantage of podcasting technology and listen in.

50ZG Almost Finished

Thanks to beta reader Ken for pointing out the stinking obvious: my parody of 50 Shades had morphed into two books. There was the straight ahead mocking of the 50 Shades protagonist and author E. L. James clunky, trite writing style. Then there was an old west story of corruption, ineptitude, and arrogance centered around a newspaper, a railroad and an Indian uprising that featured drama, action, betrayal, but few laughs.

I'm better now. I have culled out the 50 Shades material and am polishing it up for release in two weeks. Today that's a bit over 30,000 words or 100 pages. No soft cover. Ebook only.

But I'm keeping all the old west stuff because it could easily be a separate book. Friend and fellow bibliophile Dan lent me Cormac McCarthy's Blood Meridian. I don't know if that's the right model, but I'm taking a look at a few contemporary westerns to see how authors are tackling the genre now days. Of course, there are the old standbys such as Louis L'Amour and early Elmore Leonard.

Come Friday, January 30, I return to podcast Friends in Hell with host Kevinn Gomez. We will discuss—I don't know—50 Shades of Zane Grey, TV animation, my recent health issues, and whatever else strikes our fancy. More updates here on this very blog.

Rough Edges

Medical Billing Muck + 50ZG Update

Ah, the rich life of poor health.

Take this prescription to your pharmacy, go back for a refill, get charged full price, call the health insurance, wither on a phone tree, be shunted to dead ends, check their web site and learn there's no way to ask a question that isn't in the FAQ. Call back, dangle like a Christmas ornament on the phone tree, finally learn that you must obtain a document from your doctor to get a refill on medication. Punt to the doctor's insurance team. They must have a nurse sign off on the request. Check back and learn the nurse has placed said request in the pipeline. Ten days later receive an OK from the insurance.

This is what I face in the morning before writing a single word.

Okay, on to '50 Shades.' With less than a month to go, I have the home stretch in sight. Beta readers are devouring the early chapters. But a big tubby question remains:

Will readers care for a book mocking a best-seller if they aren't familiar with the original?

And who in the name of triangular crackers is Zane Grey?

My wife suggested I write a forward, explain that Grey, King of Western Sagas, wrote last century and left behind an experimental novel exploring psychological disorders, sexual awakening and Indian attacks set in the Old West. I have obtained a copy and ask the reader to note the similarities between this book and E. L. James' 50 Shades of Grey trilogy.

Might be too many elements piled too high for the casual reader.

However, I'm pressing on because it will be my first completed fiction novel. Like any parent, I love my child, even the misshapen ugly ones.

Here's my latest salute to 50 Shades.


h/t: Movieclips

Charlie Hebdo Hit For Killer Satire

"100 lashes if you don't die laughing."

A long history of snark and disrespect finally doomed the editorial staff of French satirical magazine Charlie Hebdo. Two killers shot cops, then broke into the magazine's Paris offices and murdered the editor and other cartoonists.

Afterwards, pronouncing "the Prophet Muhammad avenged," the pair fled, pausing only to execute a wounded cop on the sidewalk. The killers are still at large.

If Charlie Hebdo had only mocked the Amish . . .

Radical Islam's tactic of kill-the-artist-silence-the-critic really got rolling twenty-six years ago when Salman Rushdie's novel, The Satanic Verses cheesed off the theocrat running Iran. In fact, Rushdie continues to cheese off contemporary theocrats. According to a Daily Mail article from last year:

"The Iranian clergy has revived Salmen Rushdie's death fatwa [Islamic religious decree]  25 years after it was issued over his blasphemous 'Satanic Verses.

On February 14, 1989, Ayatollah Ruhollah Khomeini called on all Muslims to murder the award-winning author and anyone involved in the publication of his work.

This Friday, senior cleric Ahmad Khatami reminded worshippers at the Tehran Friday prayer that the 'historical fatwa' is as fresh as ever.'

Big whoop. Some crank with a beard far away said some words. Who cares?

"The religious ruling forced the award-winning writer into hiding . . . Hitoshi Igarashi, the Japanese translator, was stabbed to death in the face at work, a Norwegian publisher shot and an Italian publisher knifed."

What if Rushdie finally apologizes for causing offense? Would that be cool?

"[Cleric Khatami] added that even if Rushdie repents, it will not affect the sentence."

And, to sweeten the pot, there's a 3.3 million dollar bounty on Rusdie's head.

More recently, we had a Danish cartoonist who drew a Muslim wearing a turban-bomb

The Augean Stables

that became linked with blaspheming Muhammad. Riots, protests, burned in effigy, you saw it all on TV—except for images of the offending cartoons. Artist Kurt Westergaard now exists under death threat, was attacked in his home by a ax-wielding Muslim seeking "revenge," and otherwise lives a far different life than he did before testing the limits of radial Islamic tolerance.

Animated TV hit South Park ran afoul of a group calling itself Revolution Muslim after the hit series aired a show where the characters agonize over how to bring Muhammad to town without actually showing him. A writer on the Revolution Muslim website warned show creators Matt Stone and Trey Parker that for insulting the Prophet they invited the same fate as Theo Van Gogh. A Dutch director, Van Gogh criticised Islam's treatment of woman in a film. In retaliation, a Muslim shot him down on an Amsterdam street and then slit Van Gogh's throat.

Comedy Central reacted to this threat against their employees and:

". . . added more bleeps to the episode than were in the version delivered by South Park Studios, and that it was not permitting the episode to be shown on the studio's Web site. Comedy Central did not broadcast a repeat of the new "South Park" episode at midnight as it usually does, and instead showed a previous episode from this season."

(Here is the unbleeped segment.)

In light of Comedy Central's self-censorship, a Seattle artist published a satirical cartoon in support of free speech and the First Amendment. The cartoon called for a 'Everybody Draw Mohammad Day.'

Wickipedia

Molly Norris was stunned as the Internet took up her call to depict the Prophet. (Some Facebook pages had 71,000 followers.) Norris tried to walk back her remarks, but found the Islamic death threats piling up like unpaid bills.

Free speech can equal fatwa.

And even if you're sorry, die infidel.

Upon FBI advice, Molly Norris self-disappeared, vanished from the life she'd known pre-cartoon.

Artists, writers, filmmakers, cartoonists; lives upended or ended; family and friends left behind or mourning with a hole that never fills. And our culture faces the withering away of artistic freedom as the undrawn, unwritten, unfilmed accumulate for fear of death from those who believe it good to slaughter blasphemers of their religion.

Do all Muslims hold to these views? No. Do some Muslims believe this? They sure do and today two of them acted on those beliefs.

What is the answer to this murderous evil?

To write, to film, to draw, to speak.

Especially if it cheeses off radical Islam.

The Road Review

The Road by Cormac McCarthy
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

Spare, no frills dystopian fiction about a man and his son wandering in a barren post-apocalyptic world, where the food shelves have been picked clean and life's career choices have narrowed to expert scrounger or cannibal. The protagonist slogs through this dark realm, desperate to infuse his young son with survival skills, and, more importantly, a sense of what "good guys" do.

McCarthy's lean prose borders on the poetic and the lack of backstory infuses the narrative with a grim immediacy. In this place there are no small deals and an incautious act can lead to a horrid end. And yet the boy, who never knew the old world, retains a spark of hospitality and humanity toward other survivors that his beleaguered father often jettisons in fear.  

On a journey to the sea, the characters lead us on a dour emotional experience. And yet the book closes on the one item left at the bottom of Pandora's Box—hope. A sobering read.


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Sony Hack Inside Job?

Image: Ship of Fools

Well, I was certainly quick off the mark in blaming the Norks and shaming Sony. But now information has surfaced that Sony may well have been hacked by a laid-off employee and certain disgruntled members of the hacking community.

This is the view of a Silicon Valley firm called Norse which provides intelligence to companies to prevent their software being hacked.

"Norse senior vice president Kurt Stammberger said the crime hinges on a woman he called 'Lena,' who he says worked in a 'key technical' position [at Sony] for 10 years but was sent packing in May during a large sweep of lay-offs."

As the new story goes, Lena sought revenge and hooked up with hackers for same.

However, other hands point to Russian and Chinese meddling.

And the FBI insists it's the same old Norks as before.

Read more at the Daily Mail.

h/t: Ace of Spades

Happy New Year and Mind the Social Media

A Happy New Year to all as I spend it safely indoors, counting on others to usher in 2015 with style, panache, and drunk fail videos for some 2015 You Tube compilation.

Writing continues at a frantic pace for a joint eBook-softcover release probably around the first week of February. If you're a resolution maker, here's one from a famous guy from back in the day.

h/t: Johnny Carson

Merry Christmas Santa—And Everyone Else!

An upbeat seasonal song on this special day, especially to my brother-in-law and cousins in the damp northwest, suffering from the flu. May your presents contain medicine. Merry Christmas!

h/t: Chrisrocks007

Last Second eBook Shopping

Christmas Eve and all is hopefully well. But if you still haven't hung your electronic stockings by the chimney with care then here are a few eBook options that'll brighten the faces of all ages and tastes. Good authors—I know them, including me—good writing and a few bargains mixed in make these works worth the click. Scroll on and, I say, Merry Christmas!

For whom the bell trolls!

Undrastormur: A Viking Tale of Troublesome 
Trolls 

How do you cope when trolls show up at your village with an appetite? In this short fantasy by TV animation writing ace Roger Eschbacher learn what young Erik must do to save his people. Suitable for young and old alike. Under a dollar. (That's .99 in Kindle-speak.)

Justice and fun in one rea

Jury Doody

Yes, this is by me and details my adventure on jury duty trying to tease out the truth in a bizarre case of spousal assault. Here is the real LA Law in a quick amusing read suitable for teens and up and available for under a dollar. Also available on Smashwords.

Offensive tales that attack.

Appalling Yarns

Unnoted recluse and veteran TV cameraman Dutch Heckman has assembled a collection of offbeat tales so dark they illuminate Black Holes. Read why Oscar is a likable ogre, and marvel at what happens to Risky Ventures when his luck runs out. Something to offend everyone. Adults only. $2.99.

Do you really want to check your cell phone at dinner?

Aunti Jodi's Helpful Hints

In a changing world, Aunti Jodi guides you through life's thickets with wit, humor, advice, and a glass of champagne—for her, that is. Jodie Adler's light-hearted look at mores and manners is the perfect gift for that special someone who really needs a hint. Suitable for teens and up. $4.99.

There's no place like om for the holidays.

  The Little Book of Big Enlightenment

Enjoy the fun as a guru and a marketing hack trade snark and barbs in the pages of the latest pop spirituality text detailing a path to instant  enlightenment. Who is Big Spirit? How do they benefit from stopping your rapid climb to the top of Mount Serenity? Once again, this one's mine and suitable for teens and up. $1.99. Also available at Smashwords.

50ZG Parody Progress

Zane Grey adding up his royalties back in the day.
(Image: bio)

As of yesterday, I've laid down 28,012 words and 89 pages of 50 Shades of Zane Grey. The five-page method makes writing in manageable chunks a breeze. Parts I through IV comprising the first chapter and a half are available for your perusal.

And while my title is catchy, Zane Grey, western novelist, and once the highest paid writer in the world, is as lost to contemporary life as analog phones and the western itself.  Over the next six weeks, I'll be laboring to reestablish the name Zane Grey with the western genre he did so much to pioneer—so to speak. Then wed Grey's world to the sultry titillation of E.L. James in the hopes of providing a few laughs in time for the mid-February film launch. What happens afterwards? While the vault of time holds this answer in abeyance, I only know I'm bound to proceed with my next book.

Until that golden day, behold a funny spoof of the '50 Shades' trailer. 


h/t: Spank!

Norks Denounce 50 Shades

In between dictating Hollywood release dates, Kim Jong-un relaxes with giant fake cheese.

Universal is scrabbling to deal with a threat from Kim Jong-un to unleash terror unless 50 Shades of Grey is yanked from release. Scheduled for a February 13, 2015 premier, the steamy sex pic is said to have irritated the communist dictator who was quoted as saying, "This film is not realistic. Women are not tied up and beaten unless they are political prisoners. Then they are killed with a flame thrower." Studio spokesperson Andy Stringcheesespine stated that no decision has yet been reached on whether  to comply with Pyongyang's demand, but added, "The right decision will be reached because Hollywood and courage are synonymous."
Image: Mirror

Update: December 24

The Interview will screen on Christmas Day despite threats from Kim Jong-un to starve his population.

Son of Update

Make that screening today. And congrats to Sony for showing grit and defying Dennis Rodman's dearest friend.

TVIT with Julianne Buescher

Image: katyanovablog

More mirth from Paul Rugg and friends as Julianne Buescher joined That Voice Over Improv Thing on Wednesday for fun and robust comedy. Also present, long time Animaniacs supporter Ron O'Dell and spouse, yelling out suggestions in a manner befitting a long-time supporter.

Five-Page Power Writing Tip

Image: Better Movement

New writing strategy as I press forward with 50 Shades of Zane Grey. I've broken my chapters up into threes and write in bursts of five pages. Not every chapter comes out to fifteen pages, but close enough. I find that five pages in a separate document limits my bad habit of drifting back to "fix" yesterday's stuff instead of pressing on. When I falter, it's only five pages.

Another plus is I can build mini-arcs into each five page packet, giving me tiny-cliffhangers within each chapter. Five is a very manageable number and I'm not frozen by the thought of how much further I have to go.

There's all kinds of ways of doing things and right now this is mine. I'm encouraged by how fast and how much I'm getting done. So far it beats word count as a daily metric.

Here is your Old West Word of the Day: GAY CAT—I know—defined as one who cases banks and towns for future jobs. (I'm sensing criminal activity here.) How language does change.

Painted Bird Review

The Painted Bird by Jerzy Kosiński
My rating: 3 of 5 stars

Cruelty and brutality follow a Jewish child hiding out with Polish peasants during the Second World War. Overworked, beaten, the boy often runs away only to find his next home is basically identical to the one he just escaped. Author Jerzy Kosinski, who survived German savagery in Eastern Europe, made his tale fictional because it "forces the reader to contribute: he does not simply compare [as in autobiography]; he actually enters a fictional role, expanding it in terms of his own experience, his own creative and imaginative powers."

That said, the story was indeed relentless in its violent depictions, highlighted by a ruthless German attack on a village and the stomach-turning barbarities inflicted on a helpless populace. But after a time, you're almost numbed to the horrors  because they're always there. In the aftermath of the war, we see Warsaw become Lord of the Flies at night as parentless children, used to living on their wits, run in gangs, taking what they will.

A raw look at a slice of the Second World War unknown to most Western readers. And while well-written, with a note of hope at the end, it batters you with humanities' dark side.


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