New Age Satire Sample

D.C. Richter

Coming soon on Amazon, Smashwords and in printed form. Peruse a chapter or two here, or over at Goodreads.

PRAISE for The Little Book of BIG ENLIGHTENMENT

 “Condensed spiritual enlightenment is fast, effective and lava-hot! In only a few hours you can achieve a state of consciousness that is normally unreachable without 20-40-60 years of intense study and practice. This is the total enlightenment package for the 21st century. Lompoc Tollhouse has really hit one out of the park. I wish I’d thought of this.”

 —Swami Sid, Author of Find Your Inner Godhead and Feed It Luncheon Meat 

“I’ve sat on the floor in so many ashrams, I’ve got mat burn on my ass. Thanks to Master Lompoc Tollhouse and his discovery of condensed enlightenment, I am packed full of virtue, concentration and wisdom right now. And it only took a few hours. And I did it all sitting in a recliner. Shambhala, baby!”

—I have released my name to the universe. Call me ‘Every Fellow.’

“It is one of the book’s strengths that bold, oversized fonts are used so often and with telling effect.”

—The Quarterly Journal of Bold Oversized Fonts 

“This book was different from other books. The author talked about fast spirituality. Then another man who was supposed to be the author showed up and called the first author names. Still, I liked [The Little Book of Big Enlightenment] because it is colorful and bossy and tells me what to do, which I’m very used to by now.

—Elliot Cypher, a middle-aged man living in his Dad’s attic

“A cry of gratitude to Lompoc Tollhouse for making spiritual enlightenment available to all Mankind, even torpid weaklings with fat puffy fingers who could never grasp a spear in battle.”

—Locan the Thunder Warrior from ancient Pangaea whose avatar now shares the body of Mrs. Gale Hamm-Pellagra of Olympia, Washington

PUBLISHER’S FORWARD

This is very awkward, by which I mean ‘em-bar-ras-sing.’

We set out to publish a small book on spiritual enlightenment—we are publishers after all. Instead we seem to have given birth to a brawl worthy of the Octagon. You are entitled to know more before you begin reading—you are the reader, after all.

Spiritual master Lompoc Tollhouse was contracted by Cornerstone Media to expand on the subject of “condensed enlightenment,” a field in which he is a pioneer. Shortly after inking the deal, Mr. Tollhouse contracted a strange New Age illness. For a time, it appeared he would be unable to complete this book. Due to various business arrangements—we are a business after all—we hired author JP Mac to complete the work. Guided by the notes of Mr. Tollhouse, Mr. Mac constructed a book that is—to say the least—as vibrant and eye-catching as any in the field of New Age publications.

Upon his recovery, Mr. Tollhouse was not amused. In words as clear as the crystal he wears about his neck, he expressed displeasure at Mr. Mac’s handling of the material. I found myself in the middle—trying to help after all—seeking a compromise. I must confess, there were times I felt like a parent calming two sugar-fueled children. But—after all—I, too, am a healer in my own way.

Eventually all parties agreed to my Solomon-like solution.

Mr. Mac’s writing would stand.

Mr. Tollhouse would be allowed a chapter-by-chapter clarification.

This odd hybrid, this ‘jack-a-lope’ of a book is the result. Don’t let barbs, personal attacks, and raw snark distract you from investigating a New Age subject that is—after all—both fascinating and practical and could—in a world of endless possibilities—rapidly alter the fate of humanity.

Enjoy and experience these pages in a manner familiar to you!

Mansard Hamcott
Publisher-in-Chief
Cornerstone Media

CHAPTER ONE
 
RAPID ENLIGHTENMENT IS HERE NOW!!!

DISCOVER THREE ASTOUNDING WORDS THAT WILL SLINGSHOT YOU INSTANTLY TO THE PINNACLE OF AWESOME CONSCIOUSNESS

INSTANT DHARMA WITHOUT EFFORT

READ THIS BOOK ONCE AND LOSE 49% OF YOUR FALSE CONSCIOUSNESS

EXPERIENCE THE POWER OF “CONDENSED ENLIGHTENMENT”

FROM THE DESK OF JP MAC
 
Hello Spiritual Friends. I’m JP Mac, and I can’t tell you how excited I am to introduce you to the life-changing information contained in this little volume.

ASCEND TO THE ZENITH OF SPIRITUAL ENLIGHTENMENT IN HOURS!!

Sounds crazy, huh?

Sure. Everyone’s told you that spiritual enlightenment takes decades of study, preparation, effort, classes, craft fairs. If you want the bliss and serenity that comes with achieving total consciousness you need to put in time and, let’s face it, a good deal of money.

• Are T’ai Chi slippers free?
 • Acupuncture?
• Yoga camp?

Think it doesn’t add up?

The typical seeker after enlightenment will give up—that’s right, quit—after an average of eleven years of searching, having spent at least $71,209.62 on hemp clothing, crystals, Enya downloads, tofu and grow lamps. Those aren’t my statistics. Those numbers come from the latest study conducted by the Humboldt State University Department of Holistic Studies.

IS ENLIGHTENMENT BEYOND MY GRASP?

The odds aren’t with you, brothers and sisters. But let me point out one small difference between you and all the other seekers after spiritual enlightenment.

THIS BOOK!!

You are on the threshold of knowing your true self. You are about to bask in the pure consciousness that is a byproduct of awakening. You are about to release the bonds of the material world faster than a hobo dropping a hot can of stew.

And when you’re spiritually enlightened, you’re totally in tune with the world AS IT IS RIGHT NOW!! Parked in “The Moment,” the roller coaster of life no longer disturbs your serenity. You’ve flattened out the tracks. You’re present, but above it all.

Fired? Cool.
Divorced? Great.
Kid tracks dog crap all over the carpet? Hey, that’s different.
Win the Lottery? What’s for dinner?

Thanks to rapid spiritual enlightenment:

• You are centered.
• You are in the zone.
• You are the Dalai Lama with hipper glasses.

But first, you must forget all that you’ve heard or learned about achieving spiritual enlightenment.
Because everything you think you know is painfully wrong!!

First, let me tell you a little about myself.

Like you, I wanted peace in my life and the serenity that comes with renunciation of the material realm, total acceptance, and living in the moment. I was so desperate that I believed everything I heard about spiritual enlightenment. I thought you had to climb a mountain, or live in a cave, or eat sorghum until you were so thin you’d fart pencils.

I bounced around from yoga to the Course in Miracles to selling dye-tied tee shirts on Venice Beach. I needed help. I needed direction. I needed a guru.

So I hooked up with this Buddhist guy, Mr. Baka, who said he’d show me the path to pure consciousness. So we go along until one day he tells me I need to learn the Four Noble Truths and the Noble Eightfold Path.

Say what? I haven’t got time for that crap. So next day in the temple, I got in Mr. Baka’s grill.

“Dog, I’m paying you every month for your spiritual savvy. So, what’s up with this four-fold, eight-fold, six-fold a dollar double-talk?” And he’s sitting on the floor Zen-style and cracks this super serene smile and says, “My friend, spiritual enlightenment is only reached when you don’t reach for it.”

Got that? Months have passed. I’m out hundreds of dollars.

AND ALL I GET IS YODA TALK!!

I brushed off Mr. Baka so fast he probably dropped a pair of four fold truths. But at least he leveled with me.

THIS CON JOB HAS BEEN GOING ON FOR THOUSANDS OF YEARS!!

Sad, but true. Seekers throughout history have been told:

• You can’t get there from here.
 • There’s no easy path.
 • No ABC.
 • No fast, proven method of spiritually ascending.

BAT GUANO!!

Pardon my language. But I get so furious when I hear this Old School nonsense. We’re on the threshold of an amazing breakthrough. Condensed enlightenment is the antidote to decades of tedious, expensive study. Now, for the first time in recorded history, spiritual enlightenment is fast, understandable and available NOW.

Spiritual enlightenment is:

• Easy as reading.
• Easy as flipping to the next page.
• Easy as uttering three simple words.

IN A VERY SHORT TIME, YOU WILL BE SPIRITUALLY ENLIGHTENED!!

This information is so vital that I’ve employed the proven style of direct-mail marketing to put this book in the hands of as many people as possible. Let me stop for a minute here. I’m not naming names, but I got around 70 pounds of pushback over the style and tone I chose for this little book. A certain person, let’s call him a ‘crybaby,’ objected.

At one point, this crybaby said:

‘Spiritual enlightenment isn’t a male organ enhancer!’

Uh doy! I’ve sold male organ enhancers. I know the difference. But what the crybaby didn’t realize is that more and more products are turning today to the power of direct-mail marketing. For example, within the last year I have promoted:

• The Jolly Bear Home Dental Kit
• Katie Couric Colostomy Bags
• A Steamship Filled with Bauxite
• My Little Pony Hollow Point Rounds

Don’t tell me you can’t promote spiritual enlightenment through a proven stylistic method. It’s being done. It’s being done NOW.

Enough about crybabies, let’s discuss Lompoc Tollhouse. I think you will all agree he is a titan of New Age holistic scholarship. His first book, Out of Mind, Out of Coins for Parking: A New Paradigm, is required reading in many junior colleges, universities, and the Ninth Circuit Court.

You’ve seen Lompoc Tollhouse on television, comically fumbling around, losing his place, forgetting his point. (How endearing!) You’ve participated in his expensive webinars, learning in detail his theory of mind ghosts and how they are caused by guilt and are responsible for the ringing in your ears after a loud noise.

As you can imagine, I was flattered when Tollhouse called, asking me to write for him. (He would have written this little book himself, but the subject matter was so critical that he wanted the job done right the first time.)

Frankly, I was astounded when he told me his latest two findings. In a hushed voice, a little slurred—he may have been drinking—Lompoc Tollhouse informed me that after years of research he had uncovered two universal game changers. Lompoc Tollhouse had learned . . .

. . . A REVOLUTIONARY NEW METHOD TO RAPIDLY ALTER YOUR CONSCIOUSNESS AND ACHIEVE COMPLETE SPIRITUAL ENLIGHTENMENT IN ONLY HOURS . . .

. . . and he had torn the curtain aside, forcing into the light . . .

. . . POWERFUL SHADOWY FORCES THAT DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WANT YOU ENLIGHTENED EVER!!!

Wow! That’s a lot to have laid on you in one phone call. I was totally blown away. But when Lompoc Tollhouse begged me to bring his ideas to millions of desperate people, I said ‘no.’

I turned him down flat.

Before we continue, I just realized many of you haven’t purchased this book. You’re reading the handful of free pages available online. Naturally, you’re wary of extravagant promises for rapid spiritual enlightenment. I don’t blame you for being cautious. The history of spiritual enlightenment is also the history of hucksterism and the grand swindle.

I cannot force you to purchase this book AT ONCE. I cannot make you seek spiritual superpower status through the practice of condensed enlightenment.

I cannot make you want something you may not even care about.

• You may not care about a pure expanding consciousness.
 • You may not care about the serenity of living the rest of your life in the moment.
 • You may not care about the awesome knowledge that comes with total self-awareness.

Leave now. No hard feelings.

Clearly, the idea of sustained bliss in the face of life’s hurdles leaves you unmoved.

YOU SIMPLY MAY NOT WANT A HIGHER CONSCIOUSNESS DELIVERED IN A FEW HOURS!!!

But if you possess even the slightest interest in tranquility, please purchase this book AT ONCE! And know that deep inside these pages resides the lights-out spiritual method pioneered by Lompoc Tollhouse. This method short circuits old-school enlightenment and rockets you to full and complete elevated consciousness in no time.

You will . . .

• Learn the secrets of CONDENSED ENLIGHTENMENT, the 21st Century spiritual dynamo so powerful it must be administered in small doses to prevent hyper-enlightenment.
 • Learn a spiritual word more powerful than tens of thousands of other spiritual words.
• Learn a MATHEMATICAL PHRASE that, once uttered, catapults your vibrations into the SPIRITUAL STRATOSPHERE!!

Learn these insights without study, knowledge, preparation, purging, fasting, prayer, inner and outer cleansing, living like a hermit, eating sweet grass, or reading old books.

No Four Fold, Eight Fold dibble-dee-do.

IN THE TIME IT TAKES YOU TO READ THIS LITTLE BOOK, YOU WILL EXPERIENCE RAPID SPIRITUAL ENLIGHTENMENT!!

Can’t be that easy?

Sadly, there are certain parties who would like you to believe that. They would like to keep you slaving away for decades. They want to keep you shelling out the bucks for meditation classes, psychic healings, past life regressions.

THEY WANT TO DENY YOU THE INSTANT ACCESS TO COMPLETE SELF-AWARENESS, A NEW CONSCIOUSNESS, AND THE SERENE JOY THAT FLOWS FROM AN ELEVATED STATE OF SPIRITUAL ENLIGHTENMENT.

Only by following the program set forth in this book conceived by fussy, pedantic Lompoc Tollhouse will you learn why certain forces FEAR anyone who has punched through the fog of ignorance and reached the blazing light of absolute self consciousness.

Did I mention turning down Lompoc Tollhouse when he begged me to write this book?

I respect Lompoc Tollhouse. But his marketing ideas have all the punch of a Hallmark Greeting Card. His concept involved hippy-dippy artwork, better suited to selling elf suppositories than promoting the most revolutionary spiritual breakthrough in history.

I told him flat-out, “I don’t roll that way. I only write things that people will read.”

We talked more and finally Lompoc pleaded, “What will it take for you to accept this assignment?” In a whisper, he added, “Please, JP, I am completely out of my depth when it comes to marketing. You might even say I am a witless clown man.”

Okay. I respect honesty. I thought it over and finally said, “I’ve got to be free to do this book the right way. My way.”

Well, he hemmed and hawed and finally saw the light—heh, heh. And the result is this little book that will jump-start your spiritual life and erase stress, remorse, guilt, fear and frottage, replacing them with tranquility, serenity, and absolute total consciousness.

And that process is happening RIGHT NOW. Every word you read brings you closer to fast, effective spiritual enlightenment.

What an insane amount of hot new information to absorb, huh?

Settle down. Grab a half pint of Stolis and a smoke Power Bar and some arugula and relax.

This has been mucho intense.

Maybe you’re wondering why it’s so vital to be instantly enlightened? You might even think that the process is a journey.

Pardon me while I stuff a laugh.

That’s old school thinking. You can’t be blamed for reaching such conclusions. It’s part of a FAR-REACHING PLAN to keep you praying and paying for a spiritual serenity you’ll never reach.

I’ll explain shortly.

But before we proceed, let’s learn more about enlightenment in general and why condensed enlightenment is so critical to the growth of your consciousness.

(If you'd like a heads-up when the book launches do send an email to jpmac@hushmail.com and put "Little Book" in the heading.)

Self-Pub Schedule Set

D.C. Richter supplied the fine cover art.

This is inside baseball in a stadium owned by me. Nevertheless, this year's tales have been assigned a batting order and are swinging around the lumber in anticipation. I'm thinking these next five stories will be released in both eBook and paperback formats. And while I'm still experimenting with release strategies, the next publication will go live electronically via Smashwords, with CreateSpace providing the paperback version.

Now to the line-up.

Lead off hitter is this month's The Little Book of Big Enlightenment,  in which a hypersensitive New Age author battles a brash marketer over the content of a self-help book on "condensed enlightenment." Next up will be a 50 Shades parody in April, then an H.P. Lovecraft comedy in July, and, batting, clean-up, a short-story collection of dark urban tales in September. My first full length horror novel about a doomed whale-watching expedition steps up to the plate by Christmas. Now I've put it out there, now I'll have to deliver.

Batter up!

Be Wary of Red Cloud Claims in "American Legend" Book

The Heart of Everything That Is: The Untold Story of Red Cloud, An American Legend by Bob Drury
My rating: 3 of 5 stars

Lakota Chief Red Cloud was the only Indian to push back the westward march of the United States. His ability to forge individualistic warriors from competing tribes into a coherent force is a tribute to his leadership. During the period 1866 to 1868, Sioux, Cheyenne and Arapaho simultaneously stuck multiple targets ranging from forts to wagon trains.

Among Red Cloud’s accomplishments was the ambush and massacre of eighty poorly armed and trained U.S. soldiers by two thousand Indians. The repercussions of this fight eventually led the federal government to withdraw troops from the Powder River country claimed by Red Cloud and his allies.

There was brutality and viciousness on both sides. And while U.S. massacres such as Sand Creek are well-documented, the book details the savagery of the Sioux who tortured their captives then rated them by the manner in which they died. Warriors raped women and bashed in the heads of babies. The Sioux committed these acts on other Indians whose lands they seized and toward whites encroaching on Sioux turf.

Based on Red Cloud's memories as told to another toward the end of his life, I was left wondering how much weight they deserved. Bolstered by Sioux oral history, the chief's claims were given more heft by the authors who exhibited healthy scepticism toward official documents. I have a feeling that warriors with an oral tradition, like fishermen, can be prone to exaggeration. I would've liked to see the book take a more even-handed approach toward veracity.

If you’re interested in this era, The Fetterman Massacre by Dee Brown covers the outbreak of the Red Cloud War leading up to the deadly Indian ambush of eighty soldiers under the command of Captain William Judd Fetterman. It is a good companion piece.


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Jury Doody Featured at More Ink

I crave purchase and a review.

 Robin Kalinich has graciously featured my book, Jury Doody on her More Ink website. Robin is an author and indefatigable social media presence, highlighting writers and artists across our fair Internet. Some of her sites include Ink and Alchemy and Southwest Writers. Robin's More Ink also has a presence on Facebook. Check them out, leave a comment, and let Robin know her tireless promotional efforts are bearing fruit.

Jury Doody will be featured on More Ink throughout the month of February. Should you be moved to purchase this wee Kindle essay about a strange jury trail in Los Angeles—or read free on Amazon Prime—please leave a review on Amazon. (And, if you're exceptionally motivated, Goodreads.) Reviews are the life-blood of the self-published author. Good ones are my personal favorite, but all will be accepted. 

Beta Readers Take Note on Latest eBook

inplainsite

A break in the action as the beta readers peruse the text of my next eBook, The Little Book of Big Enlightenment. A satire describing a clash of visions between a New Age author and a marketing hack on the subject of "condensed enlightenment," the book should be out in early February. Cover art corrections are shaping up nicely and a second publication will allow me more promotional elbow room. In addition to the eBook, I may do a print run. But next week will be a breather from the many-faceted world of self-publishing as I concentrate on delightful, paying animation work. 

Book Review—The Thirty Years War: Europe's Tragedy

"Another damned thick book," said the Duke of Gloucester to Edward Gibbon and now I understand the sentiment. After expressing interest in the 30 Years War, I received this book as a gift. At around 900 pages (not counting end notes), this weighty tome wore me out. A third of the way through, having just reached the war's beginning, I resigned. Everything prior to my stopping point was the run-up to the conflict, social, political and religious, and there was plenty.

While well written, the names, dates, and places quickly stack up. There are more kings and queens than in a Blackjack shoe. Before I could digest royalty names and titles, I was served a healthy portion of Bohemia, Poles and Danes in Saxony, Bavaria, and Spanish Harlem.:) I'm a history buff, but this book proved too detailed for me.

I won't pan 'Europe's Tragedy' just because my relatives picked the thickest book on the subject. My guess: if you're up-to-speed on Central Europe in the late 16th to mid-17th centuries, this text could be lights-out. But if you're looking for a general overview of the 30 Years War, seek elsewhere.

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Twelve Days Worth of Writing Exercises

Leah Cutter

 Brian A. Klems offers a dozen prompts to get you writing. Here's a few to prime the pump.

"It’s the perfect time to restart your engine and get back into writing. Here, I offer up a 12-day plan of simple writing exercises to help you keep your creative juices flowing without eating up too much of your time. Follow this plan and in less than half a month, you’ll not only be impressed with what you’ve accomplished, but you may also have something worth publishing.

The 12-Day Plan of Simple Writing Exercises

Day 1: Write 10 potential book titles of books you’d like to write.

Day 2: Create a character with personality traits of someone you love, but the physical characteristics of someone you don’t care for.

Day 3: Write a setting based on the most beautiful place you’ve ever seen.

 Read the rest at Writer's Digest.

Animation Writing for DreamWorks and a New eBook

A brace of TV animation outlines completed over the holidays for the busy cadre at DreamWorks, (including Paul Rugg). Now back to the next eBook. As soon as my cover art tests are completed, I'll tease out chapters on Goodreads as well as this very blog. What happens when a stuffy New Age Guru wars with a copy writing hack in the pages of a new spiritual book on "condensed enlightenment?" Soon. More can, and will, be revealed.

Happy New Year!

The Grio

Iraq War Memoir Marked by Macabre Humor

Does My Suicide Vest Make Me Look Fat? by John Ready
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

In John Ready’s war, a car backfire can form the basis for claiming combat decorations. An officer tests HUMVEE armor by blasting away with a pistol, narrowly missing his own troops. A unit’s whimsically garish Christmas decorations serve as aiming points for enemy rockets.

Serving in Iraq from 2003 to 2004 as a Civil Affairs officer responsible for Baghdad reconstruction projects, Ready presents 47 recollections that capture the funny, the tragic, the stupid, and the deadly from a war that ended in victory, then deteriorated into bloody insurgency.

Mostly in the range of two to four pages, these pieces are not chronological, bouncing around from the author’s hectic deployment to a sometimes bleak post-war period where the joy of reuniting with family collided with the bitterness of certain indelible memories.

A rare view into Army Civil Affairs, this book is worthwhile read.


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No Kindle Necessary to Read Jury Doody

Available here.

You don't need a Kindle to enjoy eBooks from Amazon. Download a free Kindle app and enjoy your favorite stories on phones, Macs, PCs, Blackberries, you pick 'em. What's it to me what you read? I would like my Kindle-less friends and family to have an opportunity to read my short essay, Jury Doody now available on Kindle Direct Publishing.

And should the post-Christmas spirit move you to plunk down .99 for a read, please rate your reading experience and leave a comment. Ditto if you're a member of Goodreads.

And if this tub-thumping appeal leaves you completely unmoved, or you're low on cash, or bleary-eyed from technology in general, bless you and have a very Happy New Years!

The Two Sieges of Rhodes: Knights and Turks Battle for Island Base

The Two Sieges of Rhodes, 1480-1522 by Eric Brockman
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

A crusading order evicted from the Holy Land at the end of the thirteenth century, the Knights Hospitaller needed a home to continue opposing Islamic expansion. Settling on the island of Rhodes near Asia Minor, they commenced raiding Muslim shipping in the eastern Mediterranean. Relying on first person accounts and other historic documents, Eric Brockman details a pair of Turkish assaults aimed at ousting the offending Knights from their Rhodian stronghold.

History, tactics, religion and politics all play a part as the outnumbered religious order scraps to defend their harbor fortress. Brockman sets the attacks against the backdrop of a disunited Christian Europe, unwilling to rally in support of the Knights against the growing might of the Ottoman Empire.

A very readable account with personalities and intrigue coloring the narrative. At 163 pages, I thought the book a little short for two sieges. Still, it does set the stage for later historic events in the ongoing war between the Ottoman Turks and the Knights Hospitaller of St. John.


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A Warner Bros. Merry Christmas!

Inspired by a Facebook post from friend Josh, and plucked from the blog of Tom Ruegger, here are the Warners Brothers (and sister) as shepherds from "The Little Drummer Warners." Back in the day, we showed the episode to Steven Spielberg who joked that we now owed him a Warner Bros. tribute to a Jewish holiday. Hanukkah and Thanksgiving at the same time would have been perfect, but that kind of calender gold doesn't roll around too often. Plus Animaniacs would've needed to be airing for twenty years like Gunsmoke. So we still owe him.

Wonderstorms: Sharp Writing Reins in Fantasy Anthology

Wonderstorms: A Fantasy Anthology by Brian Clopper
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

Young people with special gifts and big troubles describe most of the protagonists in this quintet of fantasy tales. With ‘wonderstorm’ as a prompt, Keith Robinson, A.E. Howard, Roger Eschbacher, Brian Clopper and Jason Asala weave the word into their worlds as everything from a vortex, to a talisman, to a ludicrous supernatural power. I especially enjoyed Eschbacher’s “Undrastormur,” which neatly blended myth,tension and humor in relating the fate of a troll-plagued village.

Good writing across the board. And while I’m not a big consumer of Young Adult fantasy stories, this batch was compelling enough to keep me thumbing my Kindle. Definitely worth a read.

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World Literary Cafe Rocks!

ladieswhocritique.com

 A fine writerly site filled with useful tips on boosting blog readership, Facebook likes, finding beta readers and a host of other helpful tasks. They are one of my favorite author resource websites and can give you a welcome hand increasing your visibility. Examine their wares, as time permits.

Running Posts Rate High

Adventures in Running

Here sayth the blog metrics: more unique views have accrued to a six-year old recount of a 10K race than the recent publication of my ebook, Jury Doody. And by a substantial margin. Clearly, instead of writing about my jury duty stint, I should have repackaged all my old race reports from back in the day. Stay tuned for my new ebook, From Marathon to Couch Potato in Only Four Years:  A Middle-Aged Runner Reports.

Jury Doody Up on Amazon

Illustrated by D.C. Richter.

 A short humorous essay on jury duty in Los Angeles, this wee piece breaks the ice and finally gets me established on Amazon. Why, they even gave me an author's URL. I celebrated last night by ordering a large pizza and watching Chinatown. (I know. Born to be wild.) I use a variation on the last line of that film as a subheading in my essay.

Thanks to law Professor Glenn Reynolds for the link to my Author Page. His Instapundit blog is a high traffic beast and is responsible for the following Jury Doody metrics:

• Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #137,287 Paid in Kindle Store (See Top 100 Paid in Kindle Store)
  • #50 in Books > Humor & Entertainment > Humor > Lawyers & Criminals

Before I get too carried away, this is only the start. But after a year of hard work on a number of pieces, it's gratifying to finally see one live.

Famous People Born on My Birthday

From December 5, 2011, I repost my birthday thoughts on fame and fortune. What have I learned in two years? A kind word opens many doors and always get back-end money.







Thank you very much to all who have, so far, wished me Happy Birthday. In thinking of this day, I am reminded of several famous Americans who share my date of birth. I will list three and examine their accomplishments as compared to mine.

1. Martin Van Buren - b. Dec. 5, 1782

2. George Armstrong Custer - b. Dec. 5, 1839

3. Walt Disney - b. Dec. 5, 1901

4. John P. McCann - b. Dec. 5, 1952

1. Martin Van Buren succeeded greatly in becoming the 8th President of the United States but was hardly remembered even in his own day. He had a large bull frog stuffed and used as an ink well in the White House. However President Taft later sat on it by accident and they had to throw the thing out. That's about it.

2. George Armstrong Custer succeeded greatly as a soldier in the Civil War but had a mixed record fighting Indians. (1-1-2, I think.) He is best remembered for his spectacular fail at the Battle of the Little Big Horn. At first, everything was going well; then it all fell apart under an Indian tsunami. In later years, Custer had a park named after him as well as a monument and a movie where his part was played by Errol Flynn. That's a whole lot more than Van Buren ever got.

3. Walt Disney succeeded greatly in animation, a pioneer in the field, creator of iconic characters—but not the word 'iconic' which has been seized upon by junior execs.—established Disney studios and Disneyland and is fondly remembered to this day. Nonetheless his body is frozen in a vault beneath Disney's Burbank lot and should Walt be reanimated and start making decisions again it could effect his legacy.

4. John P. McCann was greatly successful as a Hollywood atmosphere player. McCann was the ship-board stand-in for a Canadian actor portraying Errol Flynn in My Wicked, Wicked Ways. In addition, he is visible catching Dennis Quaid's jacket at around 1:19 in a clip from Great Balls of Fire.
More successful in animation, McCann created the non-iconic character of The Huntsman. For the next fifteen years, he piggy-backed onto as many successful shows as his friends would allow. While the record is still being written, outsiders agree that McCann will be remembered by Bank of America and several other creditors who might reasonably feel aggrieved should he pass from the scene within the next several months.

Images: whitehouse.gov, Parcbench, fold3

Thanksgiving Football: A Brief History

motarcitytimes.com

My Midwestern family had two Thanksgiving traditions. One involved placing a pot of boiled cranberries outside to chill. The second tradition revolved around watching football . . . or at least having the game on in the background while cards were played, the Almighty invoked, drumsticks munched, and arguments rekindled. As the 2013 holiday season arrives, let’s quickly examine how a day of feasting and gratitude hooked up with a robust game of inches.

Professional football on Thanksgiving started in the 1890s. From then into the first half of the 20^th Century, teams such as the Canton Bulldogs and Massillon Tigers clashed with their leather helmets, no facemasks and few rules.  And while various teams in various cities continued Thanksgiving play, it wasn’t until 1934 that T-Day football as currently recognized formed thanks to G.A. Richards.

Mr. Richards had recently purchased an NFL team, the Portsmouth (Ohio) Spartans. He moved them to Detroit and rechristened his team the Lions. But the baseball Tigers were the Motor City darlings. Wanting to start a buzz, Richards scheduled a Thanksgiving Day contest with the undefeated Chicago Bears. As it turned out, the Lions had an excellent 10 – 1 squad primed to meet the 11 – 0 Monsters of the Midway. Tickets sold out two weeks prior to the clash. The Lions lost 19 – 16 but a tradition was born. Except for six years from 1939 – 1944, the Lions have played on every Thanksgiving.

But it would take another 22 years for Detroit’s T-Day tussle to go national. In 1956, the first Thanksgiving Day game was televised as the Lions dropped a close one at the wire to the Green Bay Packers, 24 – 20. What we now assume normal was born: televised pro football on Turkey Day.

Our last contemporary puzzle piece took another decade to drop into place. In 1966, the Dallas Cowboys commenced their run as the second T-Day game. For the last 47 years, with only two exceptions, the Cowboys and Lions have played on Thanksgiving Day. Starting in 2006, the NFL added a night contest featuring two at-large teams. Now tryptophan-filled football junkies can have their fill in several ways.

But let’s close with the American tradition of do-it-yourself. On Thanksgiving, in backyards and parks all across the country, ad hoc Turkey Bowl games will be underway. Touch or tackle, these contests pit family and friends against one another for bragging rights or just a way to let off holiday steam. And while such games are legion, let me single out one such Turkey Bowl from my old hometown. Now in its 14^th year, the Indo-Jew Bowl takes place every Thanksgiving at a different park in Skokie, Illinois. Old high school classmates of Jewish descent line up for nine-man tackle against their sub-continent rivals. Last year saw the Jews roll to a 41 to 27 victory. But the Indos are hot for payback come November 28.

So whether you put your cranberries outside to cool or not; play, watch, or listen to football, have a most Happy Thanksgiving.

CSUN 10K Race Report from Back in the Day

This is an updated version of an old post from six years ago. A rare race report on something other than a full or half-marathon. Just 6.2 miles around a college campus. Plus I left out my encounter with The Incredible Annoying Man. Back then on Mondays or Tuesdays, Melissa Foley and I would meet at the Rose Bowl and run four miles. She wanted to break four and half hours at the Long Beach Marathon in the fall. I wanted to break four hours at the Chicago Marathon, also in October. (My result is chronicled here.) At the time, I was training for the inaugural Santa Barbara Wine Country Half-Marathon.  My friend Ernesto and I were signed up. I had a room booked and everything. Ah, but interesting events loomed in my immediate future.

Ran a 10K today at Cal State University Northridge. After injuring my calf running last Monday (locked up tight), I spent the week either in the pool or doing yoga to loosen up the muscle. And while it's still not 100 %, I felt strong enough to give 6.2 miles a go.

Except I didn't want to run.

I didn't want to get up, or drive to Northridge, or run once I got there. And a very annoying guy with a strange, over sized bill on his cap out of a Terry Gilliam film decided to mentor me. First he said I wasn't drinking enough water pre race. When I blew him off, he decided to critic my stretching. I told him I'd like to listen, but I needed to be somewhere else and wait for the race to start.

Racing feet, but not mine. Image: Utah Valley

Horn sounds and the race begins. Off I go anyway. I wanted to quit at the second mile. Then I wanted to walk for long periods. Then I wanted to quit at mile 5. Yes, it was sunny and hot and the course teemed with race-etiquette challenged "Kids Run L.A." But I've been there/done that before and bounded along like a young deer. Today was different. A most unusual attack of the "quits." 

Maybe 10Ks remind me too much of tempo workouts — hard, long mid-week runs at a faster-than-usual pace. They build endurance. And grumpiness.

Despite all that, I set a 10K pr of 52.56. That comes out to an 8:32 pace. (Note: My official gun time  places me at an 8:36 pace.)

Afterwards, I drove to Brookside Park near the Rose Bowl for World T'ai Chi Day. This is a yearly gathering of L.A. County T'ai Chi players and Chinese yoga practitioners. Marjorie was there. We hugged good-bye again. She drives to Texas this Friday. I hung out with old chums Loren, Ed, Iren, Dave and Dede from my T'ai Chi class. Then I bought an official tee-shirt and left.

Acres of writing, but it'll keep.

I don't want to do that either.

Turns out I was running with a torn calf-muscle. No Santa Barbara and no running at all until July. My training was thrown off for Chicago, but I really got into spin bikes and that stands me well to this day.  

Why Kindle Tasks Me

My jury duty essay, "Unreasonable Doubt," has sustained a name change to Jury Doody. I'm now in the process of prepping the MS document for transfer to a Web page and eventual upload to Kindle Direct. I'm using a Kindle book specifically for Mac users and it seems straightforward. But I'm the king of formatting workarounds like lots of hard returns that create forbidden extra paragraph symbols. Spacing, hyperlinks, and other formerly ignorable details must be executed within the  program. I'm glad I chose the shortest of my "books" to upload first. Now I understand the peevishness of Khan.

h/t: thatjohnkydd

And Gutierrez

h/t: Brendan Owens

Novel Update Plus Free Bonus Writing Tip!

i z quotes

Oh, hahahahaha! The second draft is finished. What a crawl through gravel that was. But there's a story there. I see it forming. Now I'll let the whole thing simmer and finally PUBLISH SOMETHING ON AMAZON! Yes, within two weeks, an electronic version of my jury duty essay, "Unreasonable Doubt," will be for sale to the general public on Amazon Kindle. (The specific public may also partake. I'm not an excluding guy when it comes to such matters.) Off to find cover art.

Free Bonus Writing Tip
As my spirits dragged toward the end of the second draft, I used a trick to transition me into writing.
I would spend five to ten minutes copying text from a story onto a page, then switch over to my latest chapter. This got me writing judgement free for the few minutes that I needed to warm up. My teaser texts were:

The Mammoth Book of Monsters edited by Stephen Jones

Everything Ravaged, Everything Burned by Wells Tower.

Incidentally, Tower is a kick-ass writer who can really sling a metaphor. Worth a look.

So Long, Jack Bierman

Jack Bierman 1942 - 2013

In 1989, I was out of college, broke, living in a microscopic apartment above a garage in Hollywood and in need of employment. Answering an ad led to an internship at LA Parent Magazine. Founder and editor Jack Bierman hired me after my internship ended. He was the first person to ever ask me where I saw myself in five years. I didn't know anyone thought that far into the future. I think I answered, "Not in prison." Nevertheless, I eventually became Calender Editor for sister publications in Orange County and San Diego. Working with an amazing group of editors, I learned to write quickly and to deadline while keeping up the quality. On the production side of the magazine, I ran into an interesting bright young woman who eventually became my wife. Moving on in 1991, I soon landed a staff job at Warner Bros. Animation and my life veered into a different realm.

Over the years, I'd run into Jack every now and then. He'd hold poker games for the old editorial and production crews and was even my neighbor for a time. Occasionally we'd meet for breakfast and talk running as both of us were former marathoners. So I was bummed today to learn Jack had recently passed away.

Aside from starting a magazine from scratch and turning it into a multi-million dollar business, Jack was a quirky guy who worked his own spiritual side of the street. A Jew from New York, his wife was a devout Catholic and Jack would occasionally attend Mass. He listened to tapes of Thomas Merton and would meditate in his office. Once he lent me a Merton cassette and I lost it. With some trepidation, I admitted the deed. Jack smiled. With a Zen attitude worthy of Merton, he told me not to worry.

Good thoughts and prayers go out to the family, particularly daughters Lisa and Clare. Lisa has set up a site for stories about her father on Tumblr. (Image: LA Times)

Chicago Marathon 2007

Six years ago, I ran my third marathon in Chicago. Or, at least, I attempted to. Here's my race report originally published on Oct. 8, 2007 under the heading Sweat Home Chicago.

Marathon number three continued my tradition of only running marathons with temperature extremes. At dawn it was an overcast, humid 75 degrees and climbing. My niece dropped me off near the lake-front start line around 7:00 AM. I checked my gear, loosened up with T'ai Chi, then stood in a tightly-packed brick of humanity waiting for the 8:00 gun. As the overcast dissolved into popcorn-shaped clouds, the sun rose above Lake Michigan. It felt like a furnace door opening.

Because of crowd size, it took me 20 minutes to cross the mat.

Interesting Stat:

The Chicago Marathon sold out all 45,000 spots back in April.

But only 35,867 passed the start line Sunday morning. That means 9,133 people figured out it was too stinking hot to run.

Lots of TNT runners from Illinois, Iowa, Kansas, New York City and even Louisiana.

The field was so packed it was tough to interval. Those who intervaled clashed with those who viewed the far right of the course as a passing lane. My goal was a 4 hour and 40 minute marathon. I aimed to interval four minutes running/ and one walking up to the half-marathon mark, then see how I felt.

Leaving Grant Park, the course turned onto LaSalle Street just past Mile 2 and headed north. No water at the first stop — they'd run out. There was a mob around the folding tables, shaking gallon water jugs to get the last drops. The surrounding street was littered with flattened Gatorade and Hinkley water cups from the preceding runners. (Wet, flat plastic cups are like ice. You had to watch your footing.) People were highly pissed — especially those without water belts. (I'd brought mine.) One runner had a bottle of Gatorade. He took a sip, passed it back to me. I took a sip and passed it on to another runner. This no-water business boded ill.

Running for several miles on LaSalle, you'd get an occasional breeze through the tall buildings. I'd take off my visor and savor the cool air. Then out into Lincoln Park where the water stations remained a problem. Runners were surging across the street to the first one they saw. Sometimes there was only Gatorade. Other times, volunteers couldn't keep up with demand and runners served themsevles. Whenever possible, I grabbed two cups, drinking one and dumping the other over my head. (In today's Chicago Tribune, the race director blamed runners for the water shortages, citing those who took two cups.)

Around mile eight, I saw an old white-haired runner drift off course and ask a spectator if he could sit in his lawn chair. (The guy helped him down.) By now, sirens whooped all over the city as ambulances rushed the first heat casualties to the hospital.

The heat was getting to me. For the moment, I slowed but kept the same interval. But as we turned west onto Adams, the shade disappeared. No tall buildings, no leafy tree-lined streets with brick apartments. I passed a medical tent and it was full: runners on cots and others holding ice bags to their heads. Past the half-way point, I started tossing out goals like a passenger on a sinking boat dumping freight. Dropping to a 3:1 run/walk, I slowed pace even more. After frying my brain in Honolulu two years ago, I listened to my body and if it said walk more, I did.

We doubled-back east on Jackson and finally found a little shade. Turning south on Halsted to mile 17, I was mostly walking. I'd pick a point and run to it, or run half a mile, or choose a runner going about my speed and tag along. I took another salt tablet, but skipped goo as it made me retch.

Somewhere around mile 18, the cops bull-horned that the race had been cancelled. No finishing times would be official. Please walk. There was a great deal of confusion. By now, the city had opened up fire hydrants and fire trucks stood at certain intersections hosing down the crowd. (Not to mention ordinary Chicago citizens with garden hoses doing the same.) Finally, in the Mexican neighborhood of Pilsen, around mile 19 it sunk into the vast majority of runners that the 2007 Chicago Marathon was toast — just like them. Some runners dropped out at the nearest medical tent where they'd be bussed back to the start line. Some ran on. A nasty rumor surfaced that we wouldn't get medals. This put me into a black mood.

Come what may, I was determined to finish. Because my legs hurt, I ran 1:1 off and on to around mile 22, then walked to mile 26. Along with many others, I ran the final .02 because there were cameras present. 24,933 runners crossed the finish line.

And they did give out medals.

I finished in 5 hours, 48 minutes and 23 seconds. Check the Comments of my previous post where Jeff Carroll has listed my unofficial splits.

One man died and over 300 were hospitalized for heat injuries.

The people lining the route were great. Many offered water or ice cubes, staying on to cheer in the heat long after the race was called.

As for the "other" race — the front end of the marathon where people actually had a chance to win — Kenyan Patrick Ivuti beat Moroccan Jaouad Gharib by .05 of a second. (2:11:11) The top woman's finisher, Ethiopian Berhane Adere edged Roumanian Adriana Pertea in the homstretch. Pertea thought she had the race knocked, and eased off, waving to the crowd as she neared the finish. Adere poured on the coal to catch and pass Pertea for the win. (2:33:49.)

Given my injuries since April, I couldn't think of a better race to cancel. But if I'd been a TNTer who'd fund-raised and trained for this moment, or a runner eager to pr, I'd be supremely miffed at Sunday's outcome. For over a week, I'd been tracking the temperature. I knew it would be hot and humid. Hence, the race organizers did also. I find it hard to believe they couldn't increase the amount of water stations, change the start time to earlier, or better prepare for the heat onslaught they knew was coming. The Honolulu Marathon faces these conditions every year. No one could pick up a phone?

In any case: mission accomplished. After 30 years, I finally finished the Chicago Marathon.

Thanks to Ryan, Raul, Jeff and K for the emails. I'm walking around fine after sleeping eleven hours last night.

As for now, I'm not looking at any marathons before next fall in Pasadena. But don't tell anyone I'm entering.

They'll kick me out to avoid extreme weather.

(All photos courtesy of the Chicago Tribune.)

Sam King's Halloween Art

Eight days more until the night of All Hallows Eve. In the spirit(s) of things, I'm sharing artist Samantha King's seasonal offering from her blog.

Samantha King

Another Novel Update

crowdflower,com

Work, travel, and other sound excuses have thrown off my schedule. But I'm back at the book this week. I've been attempting to weave the story and may be making things harder. For instance, each chapter is beginning with a flash forward that is filled in later. I might be better off writing everything front to back, then figuring out in subsequent drafts where to drop things in.

This was originally a novella meant to be quickly brushed up then uploaded for sale on Amazon. But the story developed its own wants and needs and will be novel-length whether I approve or not. Alas, the tale is set aboard a small boat afloat on a sea alive with monsters. In many ways, the story is  like a play where all the characters are on stage constantly. They only exit when I off someone.

Right now, I want to off them all and type "The End."

That said, onward.

'Boats' Tells How Animated Features are Made

A funny look at animation executives planning the next movie blockbuster.

justindec

Cartoon Brew via Josh Gerbrandt on Facebook

Goodreads Short Story Labeled 'Mature and Explicit'

Are you really? Then dare  to click the button below.

My short story "Death Honk," now up at Goodreads, carries the above warning. However Wattpad allows the same material with a PG13 rating. And the Journal of Microliterature just assumes you can handle it.

Note: I've included the word 'splatterpunk' in the metadata of this microfiction. (Less than a thousand words.)  The Oxford Dictionary defines splatterpunk as: "a literary genre characterized by the explicit description of horrific, violent, and often pornographic scenes." 

And while there are no pornographic scenes in "Death Honk," there is explicit description of certain actions one might find 'horrific' and, most certainly, 'violent.' I, in no way, disagree with the Goodreads warning. I merely point out how the same tale may be labeled, or not, on different sites.

Mostly, I've never had a story preceded by big red warning labels and it's kind of exciting. 

So long, Tom Clancy

NY Daily News

 Tom Clancy is gone, but leaves behind good writing advice. From back in the day, I recall reading Red Storm Rising and marveling at how fast Clancy could move action while relating highly technical details on military hardware. He was wise to see the potential mix of his books and video games. And he also had some tips for those interested in a writing career:

"You learn to write the same way you learn to play golf... You do it, and keep doing it until you get it right. A lot of people think something mystical happens to you, that maybe the muse kisses you on the ear. But writing isn’t divinely inspired – it’s hard work.”

Clancy thought of himself "as a storyteller, not a writer." He said,  “I think about the characters I’ve created and then I sit down and start typing and see what they will do."

Considering my recent angst, I appreciate the wisdom of a seasoned scribe who will be missed. 

Another eBook Novel Writing Update

Writing hasn't gone very well lately.      (Image: ESPN)

My morale is so low I'd desert if there was anywhere to go. Back on August 31, I was writing Chapter Five. Today I finished Chapter Seven and began Eight. Yes, I had a freelance article and some marketing work, but I fell into a deep rut between Six and Seven. I couldn't wrap them up. Something else always cried out to be added and the new stuff disrupted the old flow. Now I want to dump the novel again. I'm angry, depressed, and hating the work. I feel the book has taken me hostage. But what if it hadn't? I'd be writing something else. And if it were long enough, I'd be hating that too.

Since January, I've been a writing machine. Three novels, a novella, and two short stories are in various drafts. But without some form of completion, I feel like a guy who always trains but never competes. So there's been a change of plan.

Once I finish the second draft, I will pause. In that pause, I will publish an essay on jury duty that I serialized here two years ago and have subsequently rewritten. It's polished and ready to roll. I was going to marry it to another essay based on my adventures in Southeast Asia searching for an old battlefield. But I'm in dire psychological need of having work up For Sale soon. Then it's back to battling the novel.

Stygian Accepts Horror Novels,

Any cover with my name and a hot spider babe is just fine.

 
According to their blog, R. Scott McCoy and company will be in the market for horror novellas and novels beginning in November. Scott edited the horror magazine Necrotic Tissue and selected my short story, "Dagon and Jill," as Editor's Pick in Issue #13 as well as including it in his Best of Necrotic Tissue Anthology. While we're on the subject, Scott also gave me space for a big gabby interview in Issue #14. Glad to have him back in play.

Scott paid his writers and paid on time. He's a pro and a guy you can work with. So if you're sitting on a long form horror piece, clean up your copy and keep an eye on the Stygian Publications blog for more details.

UPDATE: Submissions accepted beginning November 1. Details at Stygian Publications. 

Cool Gift: Alien PEZ Dispenser

Thanks to Susana Polo at The Mary Sue, I am now aware that there's a plastic Alien figure that dispenses PEZ candy. Who says this nation has run dry of ideas? But don't stop there! High tail it over to the PEZ site and pick up The Hobbit Gift Set. Gandalf, Bilbo Baggins, and Thorin Oakenshield plastic heads await you atop a stack of fine PEZ candies. Hurry Christmas, don't be late.

PEZ Products