Lobo on the WB 3

D.C. Comics was very cool about the whole project. We sent them a script and they signed off, seemingly content to let us create the best animated Lobo we could.

My days evaporated, coordinating with everyone and writing story outlines. Scott's crew drew up the props for the first script. We were excited, digging the ideas, seeing the potential. Mike even put up a large cork board in my office covered with 3x5 cards—the mark of a show. On a Friday in mid January, the machine hummed, primed for the official production start the following Monday.

That morning, Jean called me up to her office.

Lobo was cancelled. 

Jamie Kellner and the WB finally decided they didn't want it. 

There are seven stages of grief. I never got past denial. It was like showing up at church and learning a man had shot your bride because he didn't like the bouquet.

JEAN MACCURDY TO THE RESCUE?

The Nest 

For the rest of the day, Lobo swirled around the bowl as Jean worked the phones. There was no one savvier in the ways of corporate politics. If it were possible to finesse the show onto the air, you could summon no greater champion than MacCurdy. I'm not entirely sure who she called, but I would bet on Dan Romanelli, Bob Daley, Jamie Kellner, Bob Bibb and Lew Goldstein—two marketing guys who actually laughed out loud if they thought something was funny. (They were Old School that way.)

Nevertheless, by mid-afternoon Lobo finished circling the porcelain and disappeared in a surge of blue water. 

No one was willing to force a show onto the WB over Kellner's wishes. 

How did the production get so far? The WB knew we were spending money. They knew what was coming. But because they couldn't make up their minds earlier, artists who had reported for work that morning were turned around and pointed back out the door. 

The mood was depressed and ugly. 

I sent out my last memo, shutting down the production.

Bob Doucette arrived late to that year's pitch fest, but he had an idea for a series called Detention. (Rag-tag group of kids defying school authority.) Needing a replacement, the WB snapped it up and rushed the show into production. 

And that was that.

Jean had run the TV animation division for years with no one else but Joey Franks. There were no development executives. There were no executives attached to every show. There wasn't even a lawyer in the building. Warner Legal would visit every few years and tell us safe ways to parody, but they never overstayed their welcome. (Except for annual Sexual Harassment Seminars. These were conducted by a pair of Warner lawyers who kept insisting, "We are not the thought police," as they threatened to patrol artist cubicles and rip down 'offensive drawings.'  The seminars mysteriously halted after Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinsky, never to return for the rest of my tenure.)

In the end,  the ratings finally killed us. Our shows tracked older than the 7 to 12-year-old demographic that advertising was sold around. 

And Warner TV animation no longer enjoyed the informal protection of Steven Spielberg. Having co-founded DreamWorks, he was now a competitor.

And so the growth of middle management commenced. 

ALONE WITH HANNA AND BARBARA

Muppet Wiki

To be fair, enlargement had already begun, with an exec. brought in to handle the Cartoon Network and another exec. hired on in general. Nice people, but Jean had been magnetic north for too many years. That's where the compass pointed. That was the only direction that mattered. Jean had taste. She could tell crap from fudge. And she trusted the writers and artists. With the new regime at Kids' WB, if they didn't get a joke, the joke was out. That meant a show's humor was now indexed to comedic sensibilities honed at Harvard Business School and sharpened by countless development meetings.

(At the same time, Kids' WB pretty much left Bruce Timm, Alan Burnett Paul Dini  and the other batlings alone. Batman Beyond had premiered and the new regime wisely chose to let it breath.)

And while I  remained on staff at Warners for nineteen more months, my big dog days were deader than Earth Shoes. After Lobo, I never came close to running a show again. And minus a show, I no longer rated an assistant. Mike and I packed up the 3x5 cards and bid farewell as he was reassigned. I tried writing a script for Detention, but the network rejected it. I wrote series premises and direct-to-video ideas. I wrote a pair of Batman Beyond scripts, which I enjoyed. Of course, there was my trip to Cambodia with Kathy Helppie, the State Department and the Agency for International Development. But that's for another day. 

Eventually, I lost my nice corner office on the fourth floor, ending up on 14, down the hall from Hanna and Barbara. They had capacious ceremonial offices and their own secretary, but nothing else to do except continue aging. 

The Main Man resurfaced twice more. There was an attempt to sell Lobo to Saban who wanted to pay $75 an episode. We thought it was an opening bid, but that's the way they rolled. Then Warner Online chose to do Lobo as a Web series—hot thing at the time. I wrote the episodes, but suddenly everyone had an opinion including D.C. Comics, an accountant, and a security guard who had several high concept ideas but didn't mind if I wrote them up and took the credit. (As everyone knows, you can never have enough voices when it comes to comedy.) With my contract up soon and not due to be renewed, I Alan Smithee'd my way off the project. 

LA AENEID

The Aeneid

When I finally departed Warners in August of 2000, there was a lawyer assigned to TV animation with his own office in the building. There were executives by the gross. In addition, there were all kinds of other new faces with jobs that had nothing to do with writing or drawing an animated TV series or paying the people who did. I'd never met the woman who oversaw my out processing and collected my parking and building passes. Rugg and Ruegger and Rich Arons and many others without an 'r' in their name had already moved on. The place I left was a memory. 

Like Aeneas wandering the Mediterranean, I sought a new work life, hoping in the back of my head that the old Warners would somehow reconstitute somewhere in the TV animation industry. But that's like hoping high school will reconstitute without the embarrassments and awkward moments.

I welcome the new and cherish the old.

And remember the Lobo that almost was.

Lobo and the WB 1

Lobo and the WB 2

(Thanks to Paul Rugg@Froynlaven and Garrett Gilchrist@OrangeCow for linking the Lobo posts. For some reason, I can't get Blogspot to cough up the rest of the non-porn, non-Russian sites where I'm linked.)

(This is an update of a blog post titled Main Man Mania from back in 2008.)

Lobo on the WB 2

Since the WB was equally chilly to all shows pitched, Jean figured she had nothing to lose and selected Duck Dodgers and Lobo for the next stage: focus group testing.

Change was definitely in the air. Nickelodeon focus tested shows. Warner TV Animation flew by the seat of their pants ... or used to. I had zero faith in focus groups and felt at that point that neither show would ever see daylight.

Back into editing with Al and Boyd. Using some Steven E. Gordon art and Boyd's characters, we put together a Lobo focus group reel for whoever did focus groups. Al and I did likewise for Daffy.  (I seem to recall Jeff Bennett providing the voice overs.) By now, it's late October, early November. If the network wanted a series in Sept. '99, we needed to start production soon.

On focus group day, I stayed in my office.

Gonway

LISTEN TO THE CHILDREN

Jean gave me the results: boys and girls really liked Duck Dodgers. But boys had gone stratospheric over Lobo. (Lobo broke things and didn't take any lip. What's not to love?) Pre-production began for twelve half-hour Lobo episodes. (Once a production number is assigned, you know it's serious. ) Jean told me to start writing the first script. With marketing in our pocket, the Main Main looked solid. But Duck Dodgers was still in the hunt.

Mike packed up our pitch materials and we took the Duck Dodgers show on the road. Specifically from Sherman Oaks to Burbank and the executive building on the Warner lot. We'd be pitching to studio head Bob Daley. This was more of Jean playing three-dimensional chess. If she couldn't green light a show, she could still ensure that powerful players liked what she liked.

Bob Daley didn't laugh, or really smile at all. But he paid attention. You could see his mind working, following along with the story and characters. At the end, he pointed to one character model and said, "That guy doesn't look like any of the other characters. But other than that, it's Okay."

People started asking me which show I'd pick to run. But Lobo had the hot hand.

As I wrote the first script, there were pre-production meetings. Composer Richard Stone was fired up to do music. (We aimed at creating some kind of cool outer space theme blended with Metallica and Nine Inch Nails.) Andrea Romano would be voice directing. But Boyd Kirkland was suddenly being tugged in another direction. It looked like we'd need a new producer.

Keane Eyes Gallery

LOBO SCRIPT

By early January, I'd finished the script. Basically, Lobo was a bounty hunter, hung out in Al's Diner with Al and Darlene, and had been summoned by Vril Dox. Dox hires Lobo to retrieve a witness who has information harmful to interplanetary super creep Ernest Mann. Mann wanted to help everyone by conquering all life and placing it under his loving care. He had created a force of eerie minions: children with big Margaret Keane eyes who morphed into horrid velociraptor-like monsters. Mann was defended aboard his huge space craft by massive robots, each with more firepower than a drug cartel.

He also carried the largest bounty in the universe.

Lobo disobeys orders and decides to dangle his witness as bait to draw out Mann. Traveling to a seedy dive on a depressed planet, Lobo and his nervous witness wait for someone to rat them out to Mann. It doesn't take long. Lobo ends up in a shoot-out with one of Mann's iron-packing robots and loses his witness, who is captured and transported to Mann's vessel. Lobo follows, sneaks aboard, rescues the guy, battles Keane children, more robots, and confronts Mann, but fails to capture him,  barely escaping in a running fight that eats up most of Act III.

Finally, having delivered the witness, he relaxes back at Al's. But Lobo vows to eventually collect the bounty on Mann.

And that would be our season arc: first, middle, and last episode involving Lobo and Mann. I figured I'd write those and hired  Mitch Watson and Ken Segall to tackle several of the other scripts. They would include villains like Sunny Jim and Cosmic Bob. Bob's character description billed him as "one of the deadliest men in the universe because he can shoot rays from his nose."

Basil's Films

AND WILLIAM H. MACY, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN

By now, it was early January 1999. Boyd Kirkland was gone, returned to Batman for, I think, a Mr. Freeze direct-to-video. Scott Jeralds replaced him as co-producer. As Jean had approved the script, Scott's crew jumped in and did a fantastic job boarding. Scott put his own spin on the character design, reducing Lobo's bulkiness even more while keeping the muscles and menace. Darlene became more wholesome, less jaded. Another crew was hired and artists started reporting in.

Meanwhile, Andrea Romano assembled a great cast. She'd once again lined up Brad Garrett as Lobo, and cast William H. Macy and Linda Hamilton for voice roles. (Macy would've been the witness, while I don't recall who Linda Hamilton would've played.) Paul Rugg had a part as Vril Dox assistant.

Duck Dodgers was backburnered. Lobo barreled on toward it's production start date.

Tomorrow: A meeting with Jean. Phone calls and reality. What came next.

Lobo on the WB1

Lobo on the WB 3

Lobo on the WB

Here's more on what happened with D.C. Comics Lobo and the WB back in the day.

DAWN OF THE MAIN MAN

In early 1998, Jean MacCurdy asked me to write up a short premise for a possible Lobo animated TV series. Created by the late Roger Silfer and Keith Giffen, Lobo was a tricky character for the Kids' WB. Designed as an over-the-top biker-intergalactic bounty hunter, Lobo's legend included murdering everyone on his own planet as well as regenerative powers that made him pretty much impossible to kill. My suggestions were to keep the contempt for authority, make him more vulnerable to counter-violence, and direct his mayhem toward appropriate targets such as space villains and lawyers.

Lobo from Superman episodes

Jean liked the take and ordered a one minute pitch video. Voiced by Brad Garrett, Lobo had appeared in a pair of Superman episodes. So editor Al Brietenbach and I culled the material and crafted our sixty-second saga with me voicing over the Superman material on top of instrumental cuts from "Bad to the Bone." Catchy. But nothing came of it. Soon after, I was drafted on to Pinky, Elmyra and The Brain, forgetting all about the Main Man.

PITCHING KIDS' WB

That fall, the studio was gripped with pitch fever. By then, Jean had lost the authority to green light afternoon and Saturday shows to Jamie Kellner and his growing phalanx of WB execs. For the TV animation division to get something on the air, we had to pitch the WB in addition to Warner Bros. marketing. Artists and writers were in a frenzy pulling material together—a show meant job security. My hands were full preparing pitches for three different projects: 21C, Duck Dodgers and Lobo. 21C was the dark horse, an idea of mine—an homage to anime—about a Buffy-like high school girl in the twenty-first century battling lobster men and strangely pathetic robots while shopping for cute tops. Rhoydon Shishido drew some hilarious artwork, but the pitch dance card was full and the show eventually dropped from consideration.

DUCK DODGERS

Duck Dodgers makes an interesting point.

Duck Dodgers was based on the 1953 Chuck Jones cartoon. In this version, there was a human chick teamed up with Daffy and Porky. Jean asked if I could swap her out with Lola Bunny—keep things in the Warner family, as it were—while toning down the ogle aspect and emphasizing her competence. Spike Brandt and Tony Cervone, who worked on Space Jam, supplied the art. (And went on to run the show a few years later when it eventually aired on Cartoon Network.)

With Lobo, the late Boyd Kirkland and I began with my premise, the one-minute video, plus artwork, I believe, from Steven E. Gordon. Boyd standardized the characters, making Lobo less massive, while I worked on a quick, snappy presentation based on showing the video first, then introducing two-dimensional models of characters from the comics like Al and Darlene. (Plus one Steven E. Gordon creation—a human villain with a round, yellow, have-a-nice-day happy face. We called him "Sunny Jim," and made him exceptionally nasty.)

A TALE OF TWO PITCHES

The TV animation division pitch room featured a huge marble-topped table in the shape of the Warner Bros. shield logo. Gathered around this ornate table would be marketing execs. on one day and the WB execs. on the other. I would deliver the pitches for Duck Dodgers and Lobo. My assistant, Mike Miscio, and I had practiced like a magic act. He'd cue up videos and tapes, set down and take away character stand-ups, and generally keep things moving. However, he wouldn't wear tights. I was wrong to ask. 

First up were the marketing guys. Duck Dodgers went fine. They laughed and were very receptive. But they went nuts for Lobo. They were howling after the one-minute video, engorged with toy madness. They could sell this show in a micro second. It was basketball with a hoop three feet off the ground. We were fired up, humming with energy, preparing our Emmy acceptance speeches. 

Then came the execs. 

Buzzfeed

I don't remember how Duck Dodgers went, but I'm guessing badly. In any case, it couldn't have been worse than Lobo. The one-minute video was met with dead silence. The pitch: dead silence. Some coughs. It was as if smiling, let alone laughter, constituted an implicit agreement to buy the show. My confidence fled like air from a slashed tire. Having done stand-up, I knew the only thing to do was amp up the energy and finish with a smile. Finally, like gum surgery minus Novocaine, it ended. As Mike collected our gear, I wished only to leave behind a fragmentation grenade.

Recapping the pitches, no one knew what to make of things. Were both shows dead?  

Tomorrow: Jean weighs in. Focus group? A surprising outcome.

Lobo on the WB 2

Lobo on the WB 3

Solemn Easter 2015

Image: Great Wallpapers

As I attend services today, I will be grateful my church is in Los Angeles and not Kenya or Nigeria or Iraq, or Egypt where Muslim fanatics cull out the Christians for slaughter. In certain places, Christianity carries a heavy price tag. What does my faith cost me on this warm sunny day in Southern California? My prayers go out for the repose of the souls of the dead in those lands, and their families. It's the least I can do, which seems to be my default religious position. That's probably why Barabbas is my favorite Easter film.

I'm exhausted from the last six weeks of multiple projects. However, a fine soft cover version of Fifty Shades of Zane Grey will be available by the end of this week on Amazon. Those of you who don't cotton to Kindle devices will be able to grasp a fine paper version—a real book, if you will—filled with English words in pleasing arrangements.

Ruegger, Minton Others Salute Liz Holtzman

Artist Liz Holtzman, who passed away last August from cancer, was honored yesterday for her life and work. I knew Liz from Warner Bros. back in the day. She was a talented artist with a sly sense of humor. As attested by family and friends, her presence, as well as her contributions to art, animation and music, will be missed.

Tom Minton and I. (Photo: Tom Ruegger)

R. to L.: Grant Moran, Bob Goodman, Audu Paden (standing), Tom Ruegger, Bob Goodman's wife, myself.   (Photo: A Nice Man,)

Speaking of contributions, here is one of my favorite Liz Holtzman directing efforts from Animaniacs.

h/t: wakkofrankie's channel

TVIT with Mindy Sterling

Powerful podcasting signals fill the air.

That Voice Over Improv Thing is back again with actress Mindy Sterling, Austin Powers film regular. What form of improvisational comedy mayhem will be unleashed? Ah, but that is up to you—the audience—for upon your suggestions will the players play. A chat window will be open on the TVIT website for you to engage.

Paul Rugg Will Be Present

Of course he will, along with regulars such as Roger Eschbacher, man and author, and the rest of the cast working under the able direction of Deanna Oliver. Podcasting tonight March 25 at 8:00 PM Pacific Time. Listen and absorb mirth.

Image: Ideabank Marketing

TV Animation Blues

The Grindstone

And softcover book blues and marketing copy blues. After months of underemployment, I've been barraged with assignments from multiple sources for the last forty days. Seven day work weeks, deadline after deadline. Marketing pays quickly. TV Animation pays on geological time. eBooks don't pay much after you cycle through family and friends.

50ZG softcover books were ordered by a client who fronted money to cover costs. But the deadline from zero to a one-hundred and seventy-four page manuscript is razor thin with no room for error.

My wife sits in our living room now cursing up a storm as she attempts to check the design on the book. We decided to tack on the first chapter of The Dunwich Diversity Seminar, my next tome coming out in eBook and softcover in time for Halloween. It's the Lovecraftian story of a monstrous cult seeking to unleash horrid creatures from another dimension and the only one who can save the Earth is a grad student party girl.

Now I've wasted time writing a complaining blog post. Back in.

Prices Slashed for 50ZG

Snag a copy of Fifty Shades of Zane Grey this Friday, Saturday and Sunday morning and save 76%. Yes, it's March Mayhem here and I must use or lose my Kindle Countdown, so why not now? I'm giving away this arch satire of 'Fifty Shades' for ninety-nine cents. That's under a buck for an eye-brow quirking eBook parody of E.L. James set in the wild west. You don't need to know the original story and you don't need a Kindle. Clever Amazon offers a simple downloadable app that'll allow you to read the romantic frontier tales of innocent bumbling Anna Ironhead on your laptop, phone or tablet.

Kindle Countdown Savings

This Kindle Countdown discount continues all week through March 27. Here's the breakdown:

Fri. March 20 8:00 AM Pacific Time to Sun. March 21 1:00 PM 

Save 76% as you pay only .99. That's less than a dollar for a parody powerhouse guaranteed to put a smile on your unbitten lips.

Sun. March 22 1:00 PM to Wed. March 24 6:00 PM

You still save 51% and pay only $1.99. That's two bucks for an eBook taking the lumber to head-cocking, and bag out tea. 

Wed. March 24 6:00 PM to Fri. March 27 midnight 

You're still in line for a bargain. Save 26%, paying a mere $2.99. That's three bucks for a tale proving that love can be painful, especially if wearing a mule harness.

Softcover Book Coming Soon

Old school books are still king. If you prefer the feel of durable paper in your hands as you read of the romance between a railroad tycoon and a hapless dishwasher, then stand by for the softcover book release coming Friday, April 3. For more information, keep an eye on this blog, the 50ZG page, or drop me a line at jpmac@hushmail.com

Thank you and enjoy yourself this weekend in such manner as you find suitable. 

Image: Baraboo Public Library

The Noble Artist

Jamie Noble will grace the cover of your book with artwork. Fine decent 2D art. Most people do judge a book by it's cover and that's why it's vital to have the right image. Give his website a look.

Artist: Jamie Noble

St. Patrick's Day Salute

In honor of my Irish family, I present a cut from a 33 rpm album—an old thing played on a machine producing music—that must've been worn down to 45 rpm single—a smaller old thing—from all the times it was played in my house. Happy St. Patrick's Day and here are Carmel Quinn and Arthur Godfrey with a jaunty tune from way back in the day:


h/t: #CarmelQuinn

King Bach Captures Denzel

If you think Denzel Washington is an 'ok' 'all right' actor, then you're at the right spot as comic King Bach satirizes Washington in Flight. Just when you think the video has peaked, they up the ante. Very funny.

h/t: BatcherlorsPadTv 

Smokin' Hot Chicago Marathon 2007

In honor of tomorrow's LA Marathon and the record temperatures slated to vex runners, I repost once more my account of a hot, humid marathon where the water stations ran dry and the course was closed. Let's hope such a doom does not befall the City of Angels. All the best to participants, especially the San Gabriel Valley Marathon Team in Training. You guys are champions of a most noble variety.

First reposted October 8, 2013 as Chicago Marathon 2007 where I said that six years earlier, I had run  my third marathon in Chicago. Or, at least, I had attempted such a feat.

Here's my  initial 2007 race report originally posted under the heading Sweat Home Chicago.

All three entries are pretty much the same. Note: "TNT" stands for Team in Training.

Marathon number three continued my tradition of only running marathons with temperature extremes. At dawn it was an overcast, humid 75 degrees and climbing. My niece dropped me off near the lake-front start line around 7:00 AM. I checked my gear, loosened up with T'ai Chi, then stood in a tightly-packed brick of humanity waiting for the 8:00 gun. As the overcast dissolved into popcorn-shaped clouds, the sun rose above Lake Michigan. It felt like a furnace door opening.

Because of crowd size, it took me 20 minutes to cross the mat.

Interesting Stat:

The Chicago Marathon sold out all 45,000 spots back in April.

But only 35,867 passed the start line Sunday morning. That means 9,133 people figured out it was too stinking hot to run.

Lots of TNT runners from Illinois, Iowa, Kansas, New York City and even Louisiana.

The field was so packed it was tough to interval. Those who intervaled clashed with those who viewed the far right of the course as a passing lane. My goal was a 4 hour and 40 minute marathon. I aimed to interval four minutes running/ and one walking up to the half-marathon mark, then see how I felt.

Leaving Grant Park, the course turned onto LaSalle Street just past Mile 2 and headed north. No water at the first stop — they'd run out. There was a mob around the folding tables, shaking gallon water jugs to get the last drops. The surrounding street was littered with flattened Gatorade and Hinkley water cups from the preceding runners. (Wet, flat plastic cups are like ice. You had to watch your footing.) People were highly pissed — especially those without water belts. (I'd brought mine.) One runner had a bottle of Gatorade. He took a sip, passed it back to me. I took a sip and passed it on to another runner. This no-water business boded ill.

Running for several miles on LaSalle, you'd get an occasional breeze through the tall buildings. I'd take off my visor and savor the cool air. Then out into Lincoln Park where the water stations remained a problem. Runners were surging across the street to the first one they saw. Sometimes there was only Gatorade. Other times, volunteers couldn't keep up with demand and runners served themsevles. Whenever possible, I grabbed two cups, drinking one and dumping the other over my head. (In today's Chicago Tribune, the race director blamed runners for the water shortages, citing those who took two cups.)

Around mile eight, I saw an old white-haired runner drift off course and ask a spectator if he could sit in his lawn chair. (The guy helped him down.) By now, sirens whooped all over the city as ambulances rushed the first heat casualties to the hospital.

The heat was getting to me. For the moment, I slowed but kept the same interval. But as we turned west onto Adams, the shade disappeared. No tall buildings, no leafy tree-lined streets with brick apartments. I passed a medical tent and it was full: runners on cots and others holding ice bags to their heads. Past the half-way point, I started tossing out goals like a passenger on a sinking boat dumping freight. Dropping to a 3:1 run/walk, I slowed pace even more. After frying my brain in Honolulu two years ago, I listened to my body and if it said walk more, I did.

We doubled-back east on Jackson and finally found a little shade. Turning south on Halsted to mile 17, I was mostly walking. I'd pick a point and run to it, or run half a mile, or choose a runner going about my speed and tag along. I took another salt tablet, but skipped goo as it made me retch.

Somewhere around mile 18, the cops bull-horned that the race had been cancelled. No finishing times would be official. Please walk. There was a great deal of confusion. By now, the city had opened up fire hydrants and fire trucks stood at certain intersections hosing down the crowd. (Not to mention ordinary Chicago citizens with garden hoses doing the same.) Finally, in the Mexican neighborhood of Pilsen, around mile 19 it sunk into the vast majority of runners that the 2007 Chicago Marathon was toast — just like them. Some runners dropped out at the nearest medical tent where they'd be bussed back to the start line. Some ran on. A nasty rumor surfaced that we wouldn't get medals. This put me into a black mood.

Come what may, I was determined to finish. Because my legs hurt, I ran 1:1 off and on to around mile 22, then walked to mile 26. Along with many others, I ran the final .02 because there were cameras present. 24,933 runners crossed the finish line.

And they did give out medals.

I finished in 5 hours, 48 minutes and 23 seconds. Check the Comments of my previous post where Jeff Carroll has listed my unofficial splits.

One man died and over 300 were hospitalized for heat injuries.

The people lining the route were great. Many offered water or ice cubes, staying on to cheer in the heat long after the race was called.

As for the "other" race — the front end of the marathon where people actually had a chance to win — Kenyan Patrick Ivuti beat Moroccan Jaouad Gharib by .05 of a second. (2:11:11) The top woman's finisher, Ethiopian Berhane Adere edged Roumanian Adriana Pertea in the homstretch. Pertea thought she had the race knocked, and eased off, waving to the crowd as she neared the finish. Adere poured on the coal to catch and pass Pertea for the win. (2:33:49.)

Given my injuries since April, I couldn't think of a better race to cancel. But if I'd been a TNTer who'd fund-raised and trained for this moment, or a runner eager to pr, I'd be supremely miffed at Sunday's outcome. For over a week, I'd been tracking the temperature. I knew it would be hot and humid. Hence, the race organizers did also. I find it hard to believe they couldn't increase the amount of water stations, change the start time to earlier, or better prepare for the heat onslaught they knew was coming. The Honolulu Marathon faces these conditions every year. No one could pick up a phone?

In any case: mission accomplished. After 30 years, I finally finished the Chicago Marathon.

Thanks to Ryan, Raul, Jeff and K for the emails. I'm walking around fine after sleeping eleven hours last night.

As for now, I'm not looking at any marathons before next fall in Pasadena. But don't tell anyone I'm entering.

They'll kick me out to avoid extreme weather.

(All photos courtesy of the Chicago Tribune.)

Killer Conan Podcast

Frank Frazetta.org

The Barbarian recalled in an epic seven hours of podcasting, courtesy of The Projection Booth. Explore all aspects of the world's favorite Cimmerian, from the Robert E. Howard short stories to John Milius, to sword and sorcery in general.   Sup upon music and a wealth of video clips. But the steaming raw meat of the thing will be host Mike White's commentary, aided by fellow podcasters El Goro and John Hadley.

As aficionados may observe, I have chosen a Frank Frazetta art piece that once graced the paperback cover of Howard's re released Conan canon many years ago. (That's quite a sentence.) I remarked on Frank here.

So flex your thews and enjoy this multimedia feast. But know you must supply your own lamenting women.

Do You Hate 50 Shades?

My '50 Shades' satire punches the lights out of E.L. James' clunky, cliched prose as well as mocking her homage to rich stalkers. Set in the old west, Fifty Shades of Zane Grey lampoons the blockbuster  trilogy that led to a blockbuster movie telling the tale of a lip-biting young woman who battles a bad case of murmuring, a railroad tycoon who wants to beat her, and an Inner Canadian Goose pecking at the inside of her head at the most inappropriate times.

STRIKE BACK AT E.L. JAMES

You've expressed your outrage via Amazon reviews. You've scratched your head in bewilderment at friends dashing off to see the film. You've threatened your own daughters with a phoneless future if they even think of reading James' turgid prose—basically Twilight fan fic: substitute rich guy for vampire and you got Fifty Shades. (Except there's no Indian werewolves, but there is a sap who loves the main chick and gives new meaning to dorky unrequited love.)

KINDLE COUNTDOWN

Your moment has arrived to read the one parody that dares mock the 50 Shades colossus for only $3.99. And starting next week you can enjoy the laughs and save 76% off the eBook price. No Kindle, no problem. Amazon WANTS you to buy my book and will provide you with an easy-to-install app that allows reading on your computer, laptop, Apple Watch, whatevs. Lo, the time of savings draws near:

Starting Fri. March 20 8:00 AM Pacific Time to

Sun. March 21 1:00 PM pay only .99. That's less than a dollar for a parody powerhouse guaranteed to put a smile on your unbitten lips.

Sun. March 22 1:00 PM to

Wed. March 24 6:00 PM save 51% and pay only $1.99. That's two bucks for an eBook taking the lumber to head-cocking, and bag out tea. 

Wed. March 24 6:00 PM to

Fri. March 27 midnight you still save 26%, paying a mere $2.99. That's three bucks for a tale proving that love is not easy, especially when you end up wearing a mule harness. 

Mark your calendar. Even if you don't take advantage of this amazing discount, mark your calendar anyway. It's fun and beefs up your fine motor skills. 

Join the growing tide of Anti 50 Shaders. Read Fifty Shades of Zane Grey and bask in the satisfaction that you were right and all those who loved the book were higher than old hippies in Colorado. 

Have fun!  

Image: I Hate 50 Shades of Grey

50ZG eBook Promo

Despite no interest from Hollywood, Fifty Shades of Zane Grey will be advertised tonight on the silver screen. Only one silver screen and it's in Barrington, Illinois. But from the smallest of cells life multiplied and flourished upon the Earth. Many thanks to Tim O'Connor, owner of The Catlow Movie Theater and an old high school chum. Tim crafted a nifty 15 second promo that he'll show before tonight's feature. It's almost like a film debut, except there's no movie. But haggling over details gets us nowhere. Here's what the promo will look like.

T.C. Boyle Aces Award

Author T. Coraghessian Boyle stands to snag a Los Angeles Times Book Award. According to USC:

"Boyle, writer in residence and distinguished professor emeritus of English at the USC Dornslife College of Letters, Arts, and Sciences, will receive the Robert Kirsch Award for Lifetime Achievement. His books include The Woman, Drop City, The Tortilla Curtain, East is East, and The Road to Wellville. 


Read more here. 

Boyle was my creative writing mentor at USC. Four times a semester one of your short stories would be selected for review and discussion by the class.

How T.C. Boyle Ran a Class

As an author, you had to sit there and take-it, Boyle's reasoning being that you wouldn't be hanging around a magazine or book editor's office explaining what you meant. The piece stood on it's own merits. If it didn't have any, it fell. With a wit drier than a Santa Ana wind, he would moderate the discussions, limit the undergrad snark, and try and draw out from the class what he discerned as the story's strong and weak points. Post-discussion, you would receive Boyle's written critique on the back of your pages as well as a letter grade. Spelling and punctuation counted. This was pre-texting, so university students could still spell—most of them. 

Boyle's Picks and World's End

When we weren't writing or reading other classmate stories, we read the fiction Boyle assigned. Not his own, though many of us went out and bought Budding Prospects or Greasy Lake. He introduced us to authors such as Raymond Carver and Flannery O'Connor. Carver's short story "Cathedral" still resonates as does O'Connor's "A Good Man is Hard to Find."At the time, Boyle was doing research for World's End and would tell us after class of visiting amputee wards. At the time, it seemed pretty gruesome. But when you read the book, you can see how his research lends itself to the story.

The Killing Fields and T.C. Boyle 

I was to see plenty of amputees fifteen years later when I traveled to Cambodia for a project with Warner Bros., the State Department, and USAID. (An adventure I will write about eventually.) My companions and I visited a killing field outside of Phnom Penh. Around 15,000 people were killed there by the communist Khmer Rouge in the 1970s: shot, strangled, buried alive, or with their heads sawed off on the serrated branches of sugar palms. There are bones embedded in trees, bones baked into the ground. Around this former orchard, there are mass graves still to be exhumed. And in case you haven't absorbed enough genocide, there is a stupa—Buddhist shrine—containing five thousand skulls. That was a fairly depressing tour, more darkly numbing than visiting the U.S. Postal Museum. Naturally, the killing fields had their own gift shop. You could buy old Khmer Rouge currency, a selection of Red Stars and a small number of books. 

One of those books was World's End—in German. 

I thought, 'you gotta be kidding me,' but then figured why not Boyle? I laughed and wished I could tell him. I think he would've dug a most surreal moment. 

In any case, his class was my favorite, the high point of my scholastic week. I congratulate Professor Boyle on his latest award and wish him well on the next book. And remember to look alive in the Third World—Boyle is everywhere. 

So long, Jeff Carroll

2006 San Diego Marathon. Jeff is the burly guy looking to camera. 

Ten years ago during my Team in Training running days, I met Jeff Carroll. Jeff was around my age, a painting contractor, college athlete—soccer, then he became a place kicker for some football team  here in California— married with teenage sons, and a big Notre Dame fan. His sister was also present on that San Gabriel Marathon Team, raising money to fight leukemia and lymphoma while training to finish 26.2 miles.

That fall, Jeff was putting in the miles for the Phoenix Marathon, while I was gearing up to run Honolulu. In spring, he'd already notched the LA Marathon and was a distance running veteran, with lots of sound advice for rookies like me. (Jeff taught me to carry plastic leaf bags on long runs as a poor man's raincoat, as well as a handy disposable warm-up jacket for races.)

He was a grounded guy, down-to-earth—families will do that for you. We shared long runs talking about home equity and our jobs and the aches and pains of middle age. Completing our races, we reupped for another round with TNT, signing up for the San Diego Marathon. I was determined to better my Honolulu time. Jeff advised me not to push it, but I knew better. I hurt my knee, recovered, then broke a bone in my foot. No marathon for me that year. 

I can't remember if Jeff signed up for the fall 2006 marathon team. (I did and trained for the 2007 Phoenix Marathon.) But he used to read this blog and would stop by every now and then with a remark or a word of congratulations when I set some pr. We eventually fell out of touch. 

Today I learned Jeff died from cancer.

While we were never super close, I can't help but feel diminished. Jeff was good guy, steady, loved by his family. I would have liked to see him stack up another decade or two, but that's the way things roll. No guarantees. Still, Jeff seemed to have wrung a great deal out of the years that he had.

So good-bye, teammate. May God welcome you into the Great Beyond where there's no such thing as  a sore IT band and the water stations serve beer and it doesn't hurt your time. 

Photo: Mark McQuaid

Review: Quartered Safe Out Here

Quartered Safe Out Here: A Harrowing Tale of World War II by George MacDonald Fraser
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

Author Fraser served in the English forces toward the end of the Second World War, fighting in Burma with an infantry outfit. His recollections of battle, hardship, his mates and the Japanese enemy are vividly rendered, as you might expect from a lifelong journalist and author of the Flashman series. Fraser is delightfully non-P.C., holding no regrets for his service, seeking no self-pity, and believing in the justice of his cause.

And while this is a quick, insightful read on a little-known aspect of World War II, my only quarrel is with the author's ear. He accurately depicts the words and phrases of his North Country comrades. But in this case, accuracy clashes with readability as the mangled vowels and consonants slow down the flow and occasionally jar you off the page.

That aside, an interesting non-fiction look at a forlorn corner of the war that was no less deadly for it's obscurity.


View all my reviews

3 Books: Brains, Bling and Beating Diabetes

Lately it seems everything on this blog is 50ZG. True, but there are other books on the market, in fields other than snarky satire. Said books examine a wide range of issues from our sense of touch, to our sense of style, to our desire to avoid Type 2 diabetes.  More importantly, said books are written by people I know. Expand your knowledge base and enjoy the following:

Touch: The Science of Hand, Heart and Mind
Author David J. Linden went to high school with my wife. Later, he become a neuroscientist at Johns Hopkins University School of Medicine and a New York Times bestselling author of two readable books on the mind. Now he tackles the skin and our sense of touch, pointing out our lifelong need for human interaction and how touch organs influence everything from social growth to consumer choice. Discover why we're so "touchy" in under three-hundred pages. Find the man online at David J. Linden Neurobiologist and Author. 

Chain Mail + Color: 20 Jewelry Projects Using Aluminum Jump rings, Scales, and Disks
Author Vanessa Walilko is my niece. Later, she went on to found her own jewelry business, win competitions and see her work displayed in films such as Night at the Museum 3. The go-to gal on costume chain mail, Vanessa offers the crafty easy-to-follow guides for projects involving the aforementioned jump rings, scales, disks, plus washers, all in a variety of colors. If you're stuck inside for winter, this well-illustrated book will help you pass time making necklaces and bracelets until your street finally gets plowed or spring arrives. The author may be found online arguing with bull nerds about Elven power pods, or, more likely, conducting business at: Kali Butterfly: Dynamic Chainmail Jewelry.

 Blood Glucose Levels and Diabetes Control (The Diabetes Leading Edge Series Book 1)
Authors Barbara and Clyde Goodheart are the parents of my dear friend Karen, whom I used to work with at the post office in Skokie, Illinois. Later, Barbara went on to become a distinguished medical writer and Clyde to become a scientist with a string of degrees. Now they are collaborating on a trio of eBooks addressing the very pressing issue of diabetes. With diabetes cases expected to increase by 165% over the next thirty years, this is a good time to learn about your blood sugar, what can go wrong and why. If you or a loved one are new to the disease, these books can give you the knowledge you need to fight that bad boy. Find Barbara online at: Barbara Goodheart.com

Joe Leahy Promos 50ZG

The silver-tongued Mr. Leahy.

Voice actor ace Joe Leahy has elected to promote Fifty Shades of Zane Grey on Google + and Twitter:
Congrats +John P. McCann  #books   #authors   #googlepluscommunity   #googlepluscircleshare   #amazondeals   #fiftyshadesofgrey  

A real pro, Joe was a blast to work with on Freakazoid! and I appreciate his support.

Over at the blog Protein Wisdom, Darleen Glick compares the book to Spinal Tap—high praise, indeed—and writes:

"So I bring to your attention a delicious little parody via Amazon called Fifty Shades of Zane Grey. An inspired mash-up of soft-core bondage porn and purple-prosed westerns."

Amazon reader Jim Wright included in his review:

"If you like The Funny, JP Mac brings it. I laughed several times per page. If you have a taste for good Bad Writing, this is a feast."

Thank you Joe, Darleen and Jim.

With the success of the film, I'm liking the shelf life of anything lampooning "Fifty Shades."

Image: twiki

TVIT with James Arnold Taylor

Actor James Arnold Taylor joined That Voice Over Improv Thing for improvised laughs last Wednesday. The voice of Johnny Test as well as Obi-Wan-Kenobi in several animated versions of Star Wars, Taylor played Johnny Test hanging out with Freakazoid (Paul Rugg) at an airport as well as Obi-Wan-Kenobi, in the evening's best moment, arguing with Darth Vader over laundry.

Listen and discover how composer and keyboardist Steve Bernstein became "Steve Blustein." Lots of fun for everyone.

Image: Vector Diary

Emmy and Me

Smiles came easy that week. 

Back in the day photo of myself and my Animaniacs Emmy. Paul Rugg hauled it back from New York and presented it to me at my wedding rehearsal dinner. That was an amazing week: winning two Emmys and getting married. And while the awards were nice, they won't do a thing for you when you're home post-op with a catheter and a drain bulb. If you ever have a choice, get married.

50ZG #9 in Hot New Satire Releases

Fifty Shades of Zane Grey is on the move not only in satire, but also:

Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #12,420 in Kindle Store

50ZG #13 In Amazon Hot New Releases

At least for this hour.

Humor and satire is a tough category. My book is in there with Kurt Vonnegut, Mark Twain, Voltaire. But maybe the thinking should be: they're in there with JP Mac. Nevertheless, a fine spot to hold on the day before the 50 Shades film release.

Thanks to Instapundit for the link.

More as the saga unfolds.

Paul Rugg on 50ZG

Over at Froynlaven, Paul Rugg has a few thoughts on 50 Shades, plus complimentary things to say about my version: Fifty Shades of Zane Grey plus musings on contemporary romance and alternatives to the film version of 50 Shades. Give it a fine read.

Review: Undrastormur

Undrastormur by Roger Eschbacher
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

Drawing on Norse mythology, this short fantasy piece tells the tale of a young man who must recover a magic talisman in order to free his village from man-eating trolls.

Good opening and fast pace move the story forward. Protagonist Erik is a reluctant hero,a young man guided by a guardian spirit and compelled to visit a dreaded underworld to locate the only magical item powerful enough to slay trolls. But is Erik wizard enough to control the mighty Undrastormur or Wonder Storm?

There's enough description to color in the setting without bogging the reader down in a sea of made-up names. The characters seemed real and the dialogue crisp, with humor blended in to balance the action.

A fast satisfying read.

View all my reviews

50ZG Launches!

A different kind of romance. 

At last, Amazon pulls the lever, opens the door, throws the switch, kicks the Kraken in the buns, or whatever it is they do, and put up Fifty Shades of Zane Grey. In Kindle eBook format, my parody of E.L. James' steamy best-seller is ready for the reading public. Is it steamy? Not really. It's pretty PG. I didn't think I could top professional steamy writers, let alone the astounding variations you find on the Web. But I can make fun of E.L. James' writing style and have in time for Friday's release of the movie.

So, back to work on TV animation. But I leave you with the words of Napoleon:

"Victory belongs to the most persevering. It also belongs to tall people whom I hate. Victory would be better if it only belonged to persistent shorties like me. But you can't have everything and that's precisely what I want. I'm going to Russia now."

"In Review" Plus 12

telltalegames

During the Second World War, men served in the armed forces for the duration plus six months. That meant you were "in the army now" for the entire war plus six additional months there after. (Hell of a note if we'd lost. In fact, we won and soldiers weren't too crazy about it.) This is where I roughly sit regarding the publication of Fifty Shades of Zane Grey. According to an Amazon email from this morning, being "in review" lasts for an indeterminate amount of time followed by twelve hours of technical this 'n that.

Amazon estimated another two days to publication.

On my author page it clearly states that review AND technical this 'n that comes out to twelve hours total. (Naturally, they hedge by taking it all back in the next sentence, but that's probably the legal department.) Up to this point, Amazon has loaded my last two eBooks on their site within the now-fuzzy twelve hour window.

It's not like my book is some whopping 1,400 page Stephen King novel, or a four-volume history of maritime law. It's a hundred and four page parody. That's it. Does it really take five days to vet the thing?

“Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet . . . unless you're trying to publish on Amazon.com. Then go open a Lyceum."

—Aristotle 

Hour 28 "In Review" and Auden

Boy, are you ever. 

Amazon really porked me on this one. All the promos I set up for today are shot. Now on to what? Weekends are peak Kindle sales and they'll probably still be farting around well into Saturday. This is a rare moment when I'm glutted with paying gigs—a marketing deadline tomorrow morning and animation deadlines on Monday, Tuesday with another marketing deadline on Wednesday. I'd counted on having the eBook up and running, but now it will arrive in the midst of everything else.

"About suffering they were never wrong,
The Old Masters: how well they understood
Its human position; how it takes place
While someone else is eating or opening a window or just
walking dully along;"

—Musee des Beaux Arts
W.H. Auden