Do You Hate 50 Shades?

My '50 Shades' satire punches the lights out of E.L. James' clunky, cliched prose as well as mocking her homage to rich stalkers. Set in the old west, Fifty Shades of Zane Grey lampoons the blockbuster  trilogy that led to a blockbuster movie telling the tale of a lip-biting young woman who battles a bad case of murmuring, a railroad tycoon who wants to beat her, and an Inner Canadian Goose pecking at the inside of her head at the most inappropriate times.

STRIKE BACK AT E.L. JAMES

You've expressed your outrage via Amazon reviews. You've scratched your head in bewilderment at friends dashing off to see the film. You've threatened your own daughters with a phoneless future if they even think of reading James' turgid prose—basically Twilight fan fic: substitute rich guy for vampire and you got Fifty Shades. (Except there's no Indian werewolves, but there is a sap who loves the main chick and gives new meaning to dorky unrequited love.)

KINDLE COUNTDOWN

Your moment has arrived to read the one parody that dares mock the 50 Shades colossus for only $3.99. And starting next week you can enjoy the laughs and save 76% off the eBook price. No Kindle, no problem. Amazon WANTS you to buy my book and will provide you with an easy-to-install app that allows reading on your computer, laptop, Apple Watch, whatevs. Lo, the time of savings draws near:

Starting Fri. March 20 8:00 AM Pacific Time to

Sun. March 21 1:00 PM pay only .99. That's less than a dollar for a parody powerhouse guaranteed to put a smile on your unbitten lips.

Sun. March 22 1:00 PM to

Wed. March 24 6:00 PM save 51% and pay only $1.99. That's two bucks for an eBook taking the lumber to head-cocking, and bag out tea. 

Wed. March 24 6:00 PM to

Fri. March 27 midnight you still save 26%, paying a mere $2.99. That's three bucks for a tale proving that love is not easy, especially when you end up wearing a mule harness. 

Mark your calendar. Even if you don't take advantage of this amazing discount, mark your calendar anyway. It's fun and beefs up your fine motor skills. 

Join the growing tide of Anti 50 Shaders. Read Fifty Shades of Zane Grey and bask in the satisfaction that you were right and all those who loved the book were higher than old hippies in Colorado. 

Have fun!  

Image: I Hate 50 Shades of Grey

50ZG eBook Promo

Despite no interest from Hollywood, Fifty Shades of Zane Grey will be advertised tonight on the silver screen. Only one silver screen and it's in Barrington, Illinois. But from the smallest of cells life multiplied and flourished upon the Earth. Many thanks to Tim O'Connor, owner of The Catlow Movie Theater and an old high school chum. Tim crafted a nifty 15 second promo that he'll show before tonight's feature. It's almost like a film debut, except there's no movie. But haggling over details gets us nowhere. Here's what the promo will look like.

T.C. Boyle Aces Award

Author T. Coraghessian Boyle stands to snag a Los Angeles Times Book Award. According to USC:

"Boyle, writer in residence and distinguished professor emeritus of English at the USC Dornslife College of Letters, Arts, and Sciences, will receive the Robert Kirsch Award for Lifetime Achievement. His books include The Woman, Drop City, The Tortilla Curtain, East is East, and The Road to Wellville. 


Read more here. 

Boyle was my creative writing mentor at USC. Four times a semester one of your short stories would be selected for review and discussion by the class.

How T.C. Boyle Ran a Class

As an author, you had to sit there and take-it, Boyle's reasoning being that you wouldn't be hanging around a magazine or book editor's office explaining what you meant. The piece stood on it's own merits. If it didn't have any, it fell. With a wit drier than a Santa Ana wind, he would moderate the discussions, limit the undergrad snark, and try and draw out from the class what he discerned as the story's strong and weak points. Post-discussion, you would receive Boyle's written critique on the back of your pages as well as a letter grade. Spelling and punctuation counted. This was pre-texting, so university students could still spell—most of them. 

Boyle's Picks and World's End

When we weren't writing or reading other classmate stories, we read the fiction Boyle assigned. Not his own, though many of us went out and bought Budding Prospects or Greasy Lake. He introduced us to authors such as Raymond Carver and Flannery O'Connor. Carver's short story "Cathedral" still resonates as does O'Connor's "A Good Man is Hard to Find."At the time, Boyle was doing research for World's End and would tell us after class of visiting amputee wards. At the time, it seemed pretty gruesome. But when you read the book, you can see how his research lends itself to the story.

The Killing Fields and T.C. Boyle 

I was to see plenty of amputees fifteen years later when I traveled to Cambodia for a project with Warner Bros., the State Department, and USAID. (An adventure I will write about eventually.) My companions and I visited a killing field outside of Phnom Penh. Around 15,000 people were killed there by the communist Khmer Rouge in the 1970s: shot, strangled, buried alive, or with their heads sawed off on the serrated branches of sugar palms. There are bones embedded in trees, bones baked into the ground. Around this former orchard, there are mass graves still to be exhumed. And in case you haven't absorbed enough genocide, there is a stupa—Buddhist shrine—containing five thousand skulls. That was a fairly depressing tour, more darkly numbing than visiting the U.S. Postal Museum. Naturally, the killing fields had their own gift shop. You could buy old Khmer Rouge currency, a selection of Red Stars and a small number of books. 

One of those books was World's End—in German. 

I thought, 'you gotta be kidding me,' but then figured why not Boyle? I laughed and wished I could tell him. I think he would've dug a most surreal moment. 

In any case, his class was my favorite, the high point of my scholastic week. I congratulate Professor Boyle on his latest award and wish him well on the next book. And remember to look alive in the Third World—Boyle is everywhere. 

So long, Jeff Carroll

2006 San Diego Marathon. Jeff is the burly guy looking to camera. 

Ten years ago during my Team in Training running days, I met Jeff Carroll. Jeff was around my age, a painting contractor, college athlete—soccer, then he became a place kicker for some football team  here in California— married with teenage sons, and a big Notre Dame fan. His sister was also present on that San Gabriel Marathon Team, raising money to fight leukemia and lymphoma while training to finish 26.2 miles.

That fall, Jeff was putting in the miles for the Phoenix Marathon, while I was gearing up to run Honolulu. In spring, he'd already notched the LA Marathon and was a distance running veteran, with lots of sound advice for rookies like me. (Jeff taught me to carry plastic leaf bags on long runs as a poor man's raincoat, as well as a handy disposable warm-up jacket for races.)

He was a grounded guy, down-to-earth—families will do that for you. We shared long runs talking about home equity and our jobs and the aches and pains of middle age. Completing our races, we reupped for another round with TNT, signing up for the San Diego Marathon. I was determined to better my Honolulu time. Jeff advised me not to push it, but I knew better. I hurt my knee, recovered, then broke a bone in my foot. No marathon for me that year. 

I can't remember if Jeff signed up for the fall 2006 marathon team. (I did and trained for the 2007 Phoenix Marathon.) But he used to read this blog and would stop by every now and then with a remark or a word of congratulations when I set some pr. We eventually fell out of touch. 

Today I learned Jeff died from cancer.

While we were never super close, I can't help but feel diminished. Jeff was good guy, steady, loved by his family. I would have liked to see him stack up another decade or two, but that's the way things roll. No guarantees. Still, Jeff seemed to have wrung a great deal out of the years that he had.

So good-bye, teammate. May God welcome you into the Great Beyond where there's no such thing as  a sore IT band and the water stations serve beer and it doesn't hurt your time. 

Photo: Mark McQuaid

Review: Quartered Safe Out Here

Quartered Safe Out Here: A Harrowing Tale of World War II by George MacDonald Fraser
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

Author Fraser served in the English forces toward the end of the Second World War, fighting in Burma with an infantry outfit. His recollections of battle, hardship, his mates and the Japanese enemy are vividly rendered, as you might expect from a lifelong journalist and author of the Flashman series. Fraser is delightfully non-P.C., holding no regrets for his service, seeking no self-pity, and believing in the justice of his cause.

And while this is a quick, insightful read on a little-known aspect of World War II, my only quarrel is with the author's ear. He accurately depicts the words and phrases of his North Country comrades. But in this case, accuracy clashes with readability as the mangled vowels and consonants slow down the flow and occasionally jar you off the page.

That aside, an interesting non-fiction look at a forlorn corner of the war that was no less deadly for it's obscurity.


View all my reviews

3 Books: Brains, Bling and Beating Diabetes

Lately it seems everything on this blog is 50ZG. True, but there are other books on the market, in fields other than snarky satire. Said books examine a wide range of issues from our sense of touch, to our sense of style, to our desire to avoid Type 2 diabetes.  More importantly, said books are written by people I know. Expand your knowledge base and enjoy the following:

Touch: The Science of Hand, Heart and Mind
Author David J. Linden went to high school with my wife. Later, he become a neuroscientist at Johns Hopkins University School of Medicine and a New York Times bestselling author of two readable books on the mind. Now he tackles the skin and our sense of touch, pointing out our lifelong need for human interaction and how touch organs influence everything from social growth to consumer choice. Discover why we're so "touchy" in under three-hundred pages. Find the man online at David J. Linden Neurobiologist and Author. 

Chain Mail + Color: 20 Jewelry Projects Using Aluminum Jump rings, Scales, and Disks
Author Vanessa Walilko is my niece. Later, she went on to found her own jewelry business, win competitions and see her work displayed in films such as Night at the Museum 3. The go-to gal on costume chain mail, Vanessa offers the crafty easy-to-follow guides for projects involving the aforementioned jump rings, scales, disks, plus washers, all in a variety of colors. If you're stuck inside for winter, this well-illustrated book will help you pass time making necklaces and bracelets until your street finally gets plowed or spring arrives. The author may be found online arguing with bull nerds about Elven power pods, or, more likely, conducting business at: Kali Butterfly: Dynamic Chainmail Jewelry.

 Blood Glucose Levels and Diabetes Control (The Diabetes Leading Edge Series Book 1)
Authors Barbara and Clyde Goodheart are the parents of my dear friend Karen, whom I used to work with at the post office in Skokie, Illinois. Later, Barbara went on to become a distinguished medical writer and Clyde to become a scientist with a string of degrees. Now they are collaborating on a trio of eBooks addressing the very pressing issue of diabetes. With diabetes cases expected to increase by 165% over the next thirty years, this is a good time to learn about your blood sugar, what can go wrong and why. If you or a loved one are new to the disease, these books can give you the knowledge you need to fight that bad boy. Find Barbara online at: Barbara Goodheart.com

Joe Leahy Promos 50ZG

The silver-tongued Mr. Leahy.

Voice actor ace Joe Leahy has elected to promote Fifty Shades of Zane Grey on Google + and Twitter:
Congrats +John P. McCann  #books   #authors   #googlepluscommunity   #googlepluscircleshare   #amazondeals   #fiftyshadesofgrey  

A real pro, Joe was a blast to work with on Freakazoid! and I appreciate his support.

Over at the blog Protein Wisdom, Darleen Glick compares the book to Spinal Tap—high praise, indeed—and writes:

"So I bring to your attention a delicious little parody via Amazon called Fifty Shades of Zane Grey. An inspired mash-up of soft-core bondage porn and purple-prosed westerns."

Amazon reader Jim Wright included in his review:

"If you like The Funny, JP Mac brings it. I laughed several times per page. If you have a taste for good Bad Writing, this is a feast."

Thank you Joe, Darleen and Jim.

With the success of the film, I'm liking the shelf life of anything lampooning "Fifty Shades."

Image: twiki

TVIT with James Arnold Taylor

Actor James Arnold Taylor joined That Voice Over Improv Thing for improvised laughs last Wednesday. The voice of Johnny Test as well as Obi-Wan-Kenobi in several animated versions of Star Wars, Taylor played Johnny Test hanging out with Freakazoid (Paul Rugg) at an airport as well as Obi-Wan-Kenobi, in the evening's best moment, arguing with Darth Vader over laundry.

Listen and discover how composer and keyboardist Steve Bernstein became "Steve Blustein." Lots of fun for everyone.

Image: Vector Diary

Emmy and Me

Smiles came easy that week. 

Back in the day photo of myself and my Animaniacs Emmy. Paul Rugg hauled it back from New York and presented it to me at my wedding rehearsal dinner. That was an amazing week: winning two Emmys and getting married. And while the awards were nice, they won't do a thing for you when you're home post-op with a catheter and a drain bulb. If you ever have a choice, get married.

50ZG #9 in Hot New Satire Releases

Fifty Shades of Zane Grey is on the move not only in satire, but also:

Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #12,420 in Kindle Store

50ZG #13 In Amazon Hot New Releases

At least for this hour.

Humor and satire is a tough category. My book is in there with Kurt Vonnegut, Mark Twain, Voltaire. But maybe the thinking should be: they're in there with JP Mac. Nevertheless, a fine spot to hold on the day before the 50 Shades film release.

Thanks to Instapundit for the link.

More as the saga unfolds.