When not threatening to vaporize Japan, the President of the Chinese People's Republic likes to stay sharp honing his stand-up comedy chops. Over the years, Xi Jinping has worked up a killer set which he polishes during open-mike nights at various Beijing night spots. Here's a smuggled out sample of Jinping at Club Five-Year Plan riffing on current events.
Now, comrades, the comedy stylings of . . .
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| qz.com |
"Whoa, thank you. This place is based. I gotta say: this club is almost as much fun as gang-raping a Uighur. You heard me. Yeah. Someone once asked me why I never bring a stool on stage like certain other comics. I told 'em, 'You try sitting with Joe Biden's head up your ass.' Whoa, yeah, you guys are quick. This crowd is sharper than the scalpel at a Falun Gong organ harvesting. Hell, yeah. Someone stop me. I'm a mad man.
What else is happening? Crazy week. Crazy week, isn't it? I met with the leaders of the Taliban. Did you see that? Yeah. I mean we've actually got a few things in common; like watching the United States scamper away in defeat like a little girl—Vietnam, anyone?— and kicking the shit out of Christians. Other than that, the Taliban smell like goats in a cess pool. Whoa. Did I say that? Somebody build a shower in that country. Puh-leeze.
Man, I should've gone to the bathroom before I came up here. I'm leaking worse than the Wuhan Lab. Come on. That was funny. Check your social media scores. This whole club is getting downgraded. That's better. Yuk it up. And don't forget to tip your waitresses. They all dodged forced abortions. Lucky ladies. Wild stuff, huh?
Okay, time to hit the old Belt and Road. And remember, when life hands you lemons, beat a Tibetan with an ax handle. Goodnight, everyone.
