ParaNorman Not a Remake of Gnome-Mobile

Rumors abound in Hollywood, most of them true. But there are two floating around regarding the upcoming release of Laika Entertainment's scary ParaNorman. To be on the inside track, visit Forces of Geek tomorrow and check out "Reviews of Films I Have Never Seen." Learn the gossip surrounding this apparent stop-motion, 3D animated film at your go-to site for fictional reports on the latest movies. Image: engadget.com

Norman Babcock wrestles with a bout of 24-hour hydrophobia in ParaNorman.

Life at Disney in 1942

My wife spotted this description of old-school Mouse House animation on Cartoon Brew.  I was very much reminded of improv comedy rehearsals at the LA Connection—where art and drinking mixed and mixed well.

Image: millbitchell

Bourne Legacy Review at F.O.G.

Tough, capable, a man alone against the nefarious CIA. Jason Bourne? Oh, goodness no. He's so yesterday's super killer. Today it's Alex Cross (Jeremy Renner) and this new Bourne again franchise isn't afraid to go for broad comic laughs as it draws upon the lush film making traditions of Ed Wood. Reading is understanding, and that requires a visit to "Reviews of Films I Have Never Seen." Go now. I envy you. Image: awardscircuit.com

Alex Cross (Jeremy Renner) learns there is no more hot cocoa in The Bourne Legacy.

The Bourne Legacy: Bourne to Be Wild Again

Actually, not Jason but a new lethal killing-machine running loose in the world, harvesting  slightly less-lethal CIA assassins...ah, but with a difference this time. See how director Tony Gilroy introduces a sense of humor into a character who slays more people than malaria. Go tomorrow at 1:00 PM PST to Forces of Geek and quickly read "Reviews of Films I Have Never Seen," your go-to fictional source for all the possible scoop on the latest films. Image: Pajiba.com

Aaron Cross (Jeremy Renner) displays his lighter side in comedy-thriller, The Bourne Legacy.

Total Recall Review Up at F.O.G.

With a novel and a 1990 movie of the same name in the rear view mirror, director and screenwriters tried being too clever by half. Learn the effects of gross coyness and stealing from an old Audie Murphy movie as "Reviews of Films I Have Never Seen" dissects Len Wiseman's Total Recall. Image: geekygadgets.com

Factory worker Douglas Quaid (Colin Farrell) acquires the memories of Charles Nelson Reilly.

Total Recall Remake Reeks

Three jugs, no waiting as this eager lass seeks handy men.

Does this long-awaited remake stink? I have no idea, but tomorrow at Forces of Geek learn why it's best to select small portions at the filmmaker buffet. Discover the cost of 'My-Remake-Will-Be-Really-Really-Different' fever. Take part in the discussions that have made "Reviews of Films I Have Never Seen" the go-to fictional recap of Hollywood's latest  releases. Don't forget! Image: nolanfans

Mailer Gored by Cavett

Too bad they didn't give these four their own series. 

h/t: CEHitchens33

Watch Review at F.O.G.

Alien foes stalk suburbia and four regular guys—as 'regular' as people like Ben Stiller can be—must smoke out the invaders. How was such a film received among the Paranoid Community? Learn more on ways the perpetually insecure are reacting to this 20th Century Fox comedy as Forces of Geek presents "Reviews of Films I Have Never Seen." Read it right now or you'll be placed under furtive observation by 'them.' (Image: moviefanatic.com)

All that stands between invasion and destruction are four men in identical jackets. Obtain more details by seeing The Watch.

The Watch Salutes Paranoid Awareness Month

Those who believe nebulous infernal forces lurk behind every event are finally honored by filmmakers in this week's release of The Watch. Tomorrow read how the hyper-anxious and irrational finally receive their cinematic due at Forces of Geek's very own "Reviews of Films I Have Never Seen," your hottest fictional recaps of the latest movies. (Image: motifake.com)

Four neighborhood watch guys must suss out invading aliens from suburbanities in 20th Century Fox The Watch. 

Dark Knight Rises Review Up at F.O.G.

Nolan has done it again. Combining big buck CGI and art house techniques, he's transformed the final edition of his Batman trilogy into a red-hot show stopper. See as much of it as you can. Why a complete screening may be a problem is fully explained in this week's "Reviews of Films I Have Never Seen." (Image: seagate.com)

Afraid of the dark? That could be an issue when viewing The Dark Knight Rises.

Knight Falls Early in Trilogy Capper

He's dark, he's a knight, he's fighting public and private blackness. Director Christopher Nolan seizes upon Bruce Wayne's gloom, employing it in clever cinematic ways. Learn exactly how tomorrow at Forces of Geek as "Reviews of Films I Have Never Seen" examines this weeks release of The Dark Knight Rises. (Image: totalfilm.com)

Batman relaxes by punching a WWF wrestler in The Dark Knight Rises.

New Ice Age 4 Review Up at F.O.G.

Execs and creatives clashed over the direction of the latest Ice Age film, leading to a compromise tale that may very well please someone. Read more behind-the-scenes buzz as Forces of Geek presents your hottest fictional peek into the newest movies at "Reviews of Films I Have Never Seen." (Image: fanpop)

Fox's latest installment is marred by creative tiffs and Facebook unfriendings.

New Ice Age Mired in Creativity

Scat grabs his nut in one of the more exciting scenes from Fox's latest Pleistocene pic.

So many hands in the CGI broth. Learn the grim details behind the creation of Fox's latest version of Ice Age: Continental Drift tomorrow as Forces of Geek presents the informative, insightful Reviews of Films I Have Never Seen. (Image: filmofilia)

Collaborator Review Up at F.O.G.

Only you can halt audience flight.

Auteurs attention! Like being the big honcho on-set, huh? But are you prepared to keep audience butts in their seats at any cost? Go now to "Reviews of Films I Have Never Seen" and study the write-up of Martin Donovan's premier opus. Acquaint yourself with what one actor-director-writer did to prevent his film from plunging into the Tartarus of Gabby Town.  (Image: ailaleadershipblog.org) 

Collaborator Free Fall Averted

When the editor falls asleep cutting your movie, you must step boldly into the unknown.

 Tomorrow turn to Forces of Geek and the always insightful Reviews of Films I Have Never Seen and learn how a dialogue-heavy, filmed play was transformed into a motion picture by a green director who mulishly ignored the impossible. (Image: techprone)

Happy Birthday, USA!

I'm reading David McCullough's 1776 and feel grateful to those who believed freedom and individual liberty were important enough to risk everything on 236 years ago. For example, Henry Knox was 25-years old and owned a book shop in Boston. Yet he conceived and supervised a plan to drag cannon from upstate New York in the winter and over mountains to Boston where their presence compelled the British to evacuate. Thus he became Washington's Chief of Artillery. Thank you Henry Knox and many others for your dream and the courage to pursue it.

Savages Review Up at F.O.G.

Drawing upon "The Brady Bunch," studio marketing showcases cast members.

Strange doings on the set bedevil production as Stone unleashes his inner Castro. In other related news, this movie featured the lowest number of law suits against John Travolta in some time. Read more, learn more, go now to "Reviews of Films I Have Never Seen."

Image: Film Filia

Oliver Stoned Goes to Pot

Say it ain't so, O. Is Savages Oliver Stone's first serious attempt at comedy? Learn more tomorrow at Forces of Geek as "Reviews of Films I Have Never Seen" explores in-depth the texture and themes of a star-filled movie shot on film.

In Savages, two pot growers find themselves targeted by a cartel. Who will win?

Image: 4&20blackbirds

Seeking a Friend Review Up at F.O.G.

Doomed people making comedy for the last time.

With December 2012 just around the corner, have you given any thought to who your apocalypse pal might be? You've got more time than Steve Carell. With a planet-killing asteroid in-bound in three weeks, he must decide whom to hang with for the remaining 21 days. Then, of course, there's the thrill of parking in a handicapped zone whenever the heck you like.
Image: indiwire

Seeking A Friend Review: Free Spirits Need Work

Coming tomorrow on F.O.G., I examine Lorena Scafaria's Seeking a Friend for The End of the World. Learn how a meeting between an uptight stiff and a free spirit can have surprising results as Earth nears total extinction. A date movie to rival Schindler's List.
 Image: paranormalstories

Ethan Russell's American Story

A Man, A Decade, A Pot Load of Photos. Ethan Russell photographed them all: Beatles, Stones, The Who, etc. One of the 1960's premier rock cameramen, his photos and thoughts on those tie-dye days are available in several formats over at Amazon. Just know that Russell's An American Story was edited by my charming wife, Joy. That plug should be good for a favorite dish or a Get-Out-Of-In-Law-Dinner card.

Brave Review Up at F.O.G.

Image: Quadruple A

Image: racingwest.com

What do ancient Scotland and Indianapolis have in common? Go, learn, reflect right now. The answer may surprise and delight you like a bale of found jolliness.

Brave Review: Kooky 70s Stuff

Image: Rifftrax

Tomorrow my review of Brave at Forces of Geek explains why Pixar's latest animated release is One Day at a Time without Schneider.

Little Games Hitler Played

Hitler toys with a German film exec.

 Much has been written about the atrocities of Adolph Hitler. But new information has surfaced indicating that the Nazi leader hated hanging up first. Along with a love of Bavarian pastries and exterminating everyone east of Germany, Hitler would terrify callers by making them be the first to break a telephone connection. Try and wait out the Fuhrer and you'd find yourself beaten into ragu by the Gestapo. He would also page through the Berlin phone book, call a random number and, without identifying himself, say, "Hello? Hang up your phone at once." If the party asked, 'But who is this? Why have you rung me up in the first place?', then Hitler would assume they were stalling so that he'd terminate the call. That party would be beaten into a reddish mist by the SS. Evil dictators are bad. Evil quirky dictators suck.

That's My Boy Review Up at F.O.G.

Reiki energy is sent into the nostrils to eliminate unsightly boogers.

The dry wit of Adam Sandler returns but this time combined with a social consciousness, tackling a little known issue and extolling the virtues of therapy.

Image: ambergristoday.com

So Long, Ray Bradbury

So sad, yet he lived a rich full life and produced a literary legacy that will last a bit, I think. His childhood friend was the great Ray Harryhausen. Read a smidge on Mr. Bradbury here.


Image: Rubicon Theatre Company

Prometheus Review up at F.O.G.

A surprise bad guy fools all those who think this film somehow piggybacks on Alien. No, there is so much more. Discover how much over at Forces of Geek.

Titan Prometheus and a friend prepare for dinner.

Image: pantheon.org

Thank You Some For Giving All

And a pleasant Memorial Day to everyone else.

h/t: themcglynn.com

Snow White and The Huntsman Up at F.O.G.

He came, he saw, he darned the luck! Read more at F.O.G.

The Huntsman Returns

Back in a venue you'd hardly suspect for reasons as murky as the absence of crime. Learn more this Thursday at Forces of Geek.

h/t: AunTime

Moonrise Kingdom Up at F.O.G.

My war on film precociousness continues.

A Mr. Wu Update

You may not have heard, but he's a window cleaner now.


h/t: mkcwebmaster

Battleship Review Up at F.O.G.

Non-precocious teens clutter up action film. Learn more right here, I say.

On the Coyote Trail

My former Team in Training coaches, Jimmy and Kate Freeman, are the founders of Coyote Runners. They and their dynamic peers present a philosophy on life and the open trail. Good stuff for non-runners too. Meanwhile I walk three times a week for less than 3 miles an outing and remain content to do even that much. It can be—and has been—worse.


h/t: Virginia Garner on Facebook

Paul Rugg's New Look Blog

Under new management and showcasing a character from a big blockbuster film of ten years ago. Read about how to pitch an animated series and how to chide thieves.

The Avengers Review Up at F.O.G.

Who crashed the film and wouldn't get out? Learn more at Forces of Geek.

The Dutchman Recalls Riots

The Dutchman weighs in on my riot post.

"Ah, the good times. Of course when I recall those halcyon days of yore and irony, I am reminded of my foolish choices as well. The .22 noise maker had been a gift to my ex-girlfriend/fiancé, who lived in a Silverlake adjacent neighborhood. A porn actress, nude model and gifted fine artist, I have always been attracted to women with interesting backgrounds, diverse experiences and daddy issues. She owned a Papillion that craped everywhere, all the time, except during their frequent walks through their gang infested community. I figured it would be convenient to carry in her purse and its characteristic crack when fired would alert the locals to canvas the area for her body. Eventually we broke up mostly over 2nd amendment issues and some interests of mine she couldn’t bring herself to participate in. She said they were humiliating, unimaginative, not nearly degrading enough and hard on her leather-restraint budget.

At the time of the riots I was married to a depressive Australian, so I kept all my firearms nearby in a customized rig I could throw on if I was going out alone. No need to tempt the Gods if things went badly during an Ashes test match or the America’s Cup. The nine was based on the recommendation of some LAPD officers I made the acquaintance of. They spoke highly of the seventeen round clips and ease of re-loading, so I made my purchase. That is why, in the ignorance of my youth, I was decked out in such an outlandish selection of weapons.

Today, I favor 12’s for close up work and long guns for when I want to reach out and touch someone. As I have matured I have embraced Chaos theory which my neighbors and other potential opponents believe is that the future is not predictable but determined by initial conditions. I of course believe outcomes are determined by a super-secret organization run by Bernie Kopell."

Riots Recalled

My wife remembers the LA riots of a generation ago. I was employed at Warner Bros. out in Sherman Oaks back then. However, no one actually worked that Thursday. Everyone was crowded around a television in Tom Ruegger's office watching the looting of the Beverly Center Shopping Mall. Smoke from the arson fires drifted into the San Fernando Valley and would worsen over the next two days.

We were sent home. My future wife stopped by my Glendale apartment and we watched the chaos on TV. Coverage was non-stop. As we snacked on the couch, seeing familiar places burn or be picked clean by street locusts, Joy coined a term for us: "Riot Potatoes."

The Dutchman, an old friend and veteran sit-com cameraman, lived in Tinsel Town several blocks north of Hollywood Boulevard. When looters sacked a shop just down the street, his fellow neighbors agonized over whether to block off their cul de sac with cars. But no one wanted to volunteer his vehicle. At that moment, The Dutchman strolled into a knot of worried homeowners wearing a 9mm semi-auto on one hip and sporting a .22 semi-auto in a shoulder holster. Holding up his hands, he waited for their full attention then said, "Let us not reason out of fear."

The irony drew a few smiles, as intended, and the looters eventually moved west instead of north.

Time flies faster than Iron Man.

Image: the daily wh.at

Ahoy! 'Pirates' Review Up at F.O.G.

Pirates are so cute and cuddly lately. But this film decided to counter-punch. Find out how and why at Forces of Geek.

Paul Rugg Tossed Off Own Blog!

You knew it was coming, like 2012 or middle age.

But Paul Rugg has been asked to leave blogging.

Learn why and how here and now!

Image: wdw

"Dagon and Jill" in Lovecraft Anthology

IA! IA! I am more feverish than a poet in a madhouse. Wildside Press has released their ebook anthology on the Cthulhu Mythos. This short story collection includes Lovecraftian tales by Conan creator Robert E. Howard, Psycho's very own Robert Bloch, fantasy-horror author Clark Ashton Smith, and fantasy-sci fi scribe Lin Carter. Oh, and a number of tales by some guy named Howard Phillips Lovecraft, including "The Call of Cthulhu."

In addition, there is a novella by T.E.D. Klein. Klein was once editor of The Twilight Zone, a 1980s magazine dedicated to horror. Klein rejected one of the first horror stories I ever sent out back in my college days. He was generous enough to forward the tale to a sister publication, Night Cry. And while the story never found a home, I was motivated to keep typing away by Klein's encouraging note.

Finally, the last story you'll read in Wildside's The Cthulhu Mythos Megapack is my own "Dagon and Jill." Being in such exalted company has made me feel all eldritch and cyclopean. The megapack contains forty stories and is a steal for under a buck. Warm up the Kindle, download a copy and read it in the waning light of a gibbous moon.

Image: hireanillustrator

Three Stooges Review at F.O.G.

All of it. I've held back nothing. See, learn, know.

But not in that order.

Stooges In-Bound

Tom Ruegger suggested I review The Three Stooges. So I have chosen to write a full review based on avoiding the film.

On Thursday, Forces of Geek will unveil my insights into the craft necessary to convincingly portray a chucklehead.

That leaves next week wide open.

Drop me your suggestions for a film to review.

If I run with your suggestion you will see your name printed in this blog in a much larger font that I normally use.

Don't pass on a sterling opportunity.

Wonderful Residuals From the Continent of Europe!

Later today, a story of munificence bestowed upon me courtesy of many European countries. They may be broke, but they did all right by me.

Plus reviews will return this week to F.O.G. after writing chores derailed them.

There will be a good review of...?

Perhaps you should choose.

Pick a film opening this Friday and I will review it sight unseen.

For that is my craft.

The Assault Review Up at F.O.G.

Normally, I sup up French cinema but this time the Frenchies double-crossed me. Learn why here today.

Vonnegut Notes on Short-Story Writing

Tom Ruegger sent me these eight thoughts from Kurt Vonnegut on short story writing.

1. Use the time of a total stranger in such a way that he or she will not feel the time was wasted.
2. Give the reader at least one character he or she can root for.
3. Every character should want something, even if it is only a glass of water.
4. Every sentence must do one of two things—reveal character or advance the action.

5. Start as close to the end as possible.
6. Be a Sadist. No matter how sweet and innocent your leading characters, make awful things happen to them—in order that the reader may see what they are made of.
7. Write to please just one person. If you open a window and make love to the world, so to speak, your story will get pneumonia.
8. Give your readers as much information as possible as soon as possible. To hell with suspense. Readers should have such complete understanding of what is going on, where and why, that they could finish the story themselves, should cockroaches eat the last few pages.

via The Atlantic
Image: TV Tropes

Flush Fiction Contest

America's favorite bathroom reader teeters on the edge of release. My short story "Fresh Ideas" resides within the book's papery grasp.

I will have a spare copy of Uncle John's to dispense, thanks to marketing largess.

Write and tell me what reading in the bathroom has meant to you over the years.

The winner will receive a free copy of the latest edition of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader signed by me. ME!

Deadline is Tue. April 17, so get your porcelain tales in by then.

UPDATE: Send your entries to
Subject Line: Flush Fiction Contest
c/o tiempohablar@yahoo.co.uk

Goon Review Up at F.O.G.

I'm a sucker for brutal dumb guy films.

The Deep Blue Sea Review Up at F.O.G.

Now you'll understand my fury. Now you'll see what has wretched my innards and set my guts a'roiling. You'll read about it here. And you'll know.

Tomorrow on 'Reviews of Films I've Never Seen'

I'm afraid I lose my temper a bit with the makers of The Deep Blue Sea. (The title alone should be a give-away.) The disrespect shown to previous films in other genres really caused me to unload. The squandering of top talent; the fumbled opportunities. It was like watching Laurel and Hardy disarm the atom bomb. You know what's going to happen but are powerless to intervene. I've just placed the finished review in queue and am having an Alka-Seltzer with a Tang chaser. Oh, what a morning and early afternoon I have endured. Read it all Thursday at Forces of Geek.

Image: Jay in VA