"Dagon and Jill" in Lovecraft Anthology

IA! IA! I am more feverish than a poet in a madhouse. Wildside Press has released their ebook anthology on the Cthulhu Mythos. This short story collection includes Lovecraftian tales by Conan creator Robert E. Howard, Psycho's very own Robert Bloch, fantasy-horror author Clark Ashton Smith, and fantasy-sci fi scribe Lin Carter. Oh, and a number of tales by some guy named Howard Phillips Lovecraft, including "The Call of Cthulhu."

In addition, there is a novella by T.E.D. Klein. Klein was once editor of The Twilight Zone, a 1980s magazine dedicated to horror. Klein rejected one of the first horror stories I ever sent out back in my college days. He was generous enough to forward the tale to a sister publication, Night Cry. And while the story never found a home, I was motivated to keep typing away by Klein's encouraging note.

Finally, the last story you'll read in Wildside's The Cthulhu Mythos Megapack is my own "Dagon and Jill." Being in such exalted company has made me feel all eldritch and cyclopean. The megapack contains forty stories and is a steal for under a buck. Warm up the Kindle, download a copy and read it in the waning light of a gibbous moon.

Image: hireanillustrator

Three Stooges Review at F.O.G.

All of it. I've held back nothing. See, learn, know.

But not in that order.

Stooges In-Bound

Tom Ruegger suggested I review The Three Stooges. So I have chosen to write a full review based on avoiding the film.

On Thursday, Forces of Geek will unveil my insights into the craft necessary to convincingly portray a chucklehead.

That leaves next week wide open.

Drop me your suggestions for a film to review.

If I run with your suggestion you will see your name printed in this blog in a much larger font that I normally use.

Don't pass on a sterling opportunity.

Wonderful Residuals From the Continent of Europe!

Later today, a story of munificence bestowed upon me courtesy of many European countries. They may be broke, but they did all right by me.

Plus reviews will return this week to F.O.G. after writing chores derailed them.

There will be a good review of...?

Perhaps you should choose.

Pick a film opening this Friday and I will review it sight unseen.

For that is my craft.

The Assault Review Up at F.O.G.

Normally, I sup up French cinema but this time the Frenchies double-crossed me. Learn why here today.

Vonnegut Notes on Short-Story Writing

Tom Ruegger sent me these eight thoughts from Kurt Vonnegut on short story writing.

1. Use the time of a total stranger in such a way that he or she will not feel the time was wasted.
2. Give the reader at least one character he or she can root for.
3. Every character should want something, even if it is only a glass of water.
4. Every sentence must do one of two things—reveal character or advance the action.

5. Start as close to the end as possible.
6. Be a Sadist. No matter how sweet and innocent your leading characters, make awful things happen to them—in order that the reader may see what they are made of.
7. Write to please just one person. If you open a window and make love to the world, so to speak, your story will get pneumonia.
8. Give your readers as much information as possible as soon as possible. To hell with suspense. Readers should have such complete understanding of what is going on, where and why, that they could finish the story themselves, should cockroaches eat the last few pages.

via The Atlantic
Image: TV Tropes

Flush Fiction Contest

America's favorite bathroom reader teeters on the edge of release. My short story "Fresh Ideas" resides within the book's papery grasp.

I will have a spare copy of Uncle John's to dispense, thanks to marketing largess.

Write and tell me what reading in the bathroom has meant to you over the years.

The winner will receive a free copy of the latest edition of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader signed by me. ME!

Deadline is Tue. April 17, so get your porcelain tales in by then.

UPDATE: Send your entries to
Subject Line: Flush Fiction Contest
c/o tiempohablar@yahoo.co.uk

Goon Review Up at F.O.G.

I'm a sucker for brutal dumb guy films.

The Deep Blue Sea Review Up at F.O.G.

Now you'll understand my fury. Now you'll see what has wretched my innards and set my guts a'roiling. You'll read about it here. And you'll know.

Tomorrow on 'Reviews of Films I've Never Seen'

I'm afraid I lose my temper a bit with the makers of The Deep Blue Sea. (The title alone should be a give-away.) The disrespect shown to previous films in other genres really caused me to unload. The squandering of top talent; the fumbled opportunities. It was like watching Laurel and Hardy disarm the atom bomb. You know what's going to happen but are powerless to intervene. I've just placed the finished review in queue and am having an Alka-Seltzer with a Tang chaser. Oh, what a morning and early afternoon I have endured. Read it all Thursday at Forces of Geek.

Image: Jay in VA

I Review a Movie I Have Never Seen at F.O.G.

And never will see. But this is a labor saving method for both of us, as I'm sure you'll agree.

Overthought Reviews Name Change

While talking today with Tom Ruegger about my weekly Forces of Geek film review, it arose that my column handle no longer fit. My reviews are not 'overthought' so much as 'ill-thought' or 'not thought out at all.'

And so editor Stefan Blitz has signed off on my new title: "Reviews of Movies I Have Never Seen." This is closer to the mark. I haven't seen any of the seventeen films I've reviewed since last year. And, at this stage, I don't even bother watching the trailers anymore. I'm just going to make up stuff anyway.

Tomorrow I review Nicholas Cage's latest venture, Seeking Justice. It's not at all bad. Stop by and see for yourself. It won't take long. Because if I'm not going to watch the film, I won't subsequently waste your time and mine typing 700 words of pseudo-critical boilerplate. You'll sorta know what the movie is about and who was in it and that should be enough.

My Favorite Giraffe

A brief video I shot up in Sonoma last year while we vacationed with my sister and her truck-driving husband. Here in the middle of northern California's wine country is a very cool wild animal park. And it's filled with mostly cool wild animals including rhinos and truculent, but near-sighted, cape buffalo. Watch and learn about the noble giraffe.

Forces of Geek: we like pop culture: SILENT HOUSE — Japanese Game Show Won't Translate to Film

Forces of Geek: we like pop culture: SILENT HOUSE — Japanese Game Show Won't Translate to Film

'Knitter's Gift' to Kindle; 'Dagon and Jill' to eBook

So many updates, so much time.

From my written past, The Knitter's Gift has migrated to Kindle. Contained within is my essay, "The Big Sweater," my first non-fiction published piece. (Thanks to editor, Bernadette Murphy.) If you like knitting, and you especially like big knitted sweaters, then this could be your eBook.

Short story "Dagon and Jill" has been accepted into Wildside Press' Megapack Series. This eBook will be released sometime this year.

Also, I've taken all my "Unreasonable Doubt" jury duty posts from last September, polished them to a high gloss, cut out about a thousand words and sent the essay off to a magazine specializing in essays or "creative non-fiction" as it's called nowadays. Hopefully, that story will find a caring home and be allowed to stay up late and watch cable.

Another story, "Death Honk," about how far a man will go for work, has been sent out to a publication that bares no ill-will to reprints.

I've also finished and submitted a brand new short story, "Bummed Out." This would be my first venture outside comedy, horror, both, or bizzare things. I guess you might label it a suspense thriller about brutal teenagers learning their fun isn't always jolly for others—and vice versa.

Idleness? I think not.
Image: Kotaku

The Lorax IS Wilford Brimley

Here is proof and here is my review.

How to Poorly Handle Writing Criticism

For writers, criticism goes with the computer and the coffee mug. However, in most cases, you're better off considering it all bad, hence synonymous with a personal attack. Here are a three easy-to-learn techniques that'll keep critics at a safe distance.

1. THE MIRROR - Suppose a critic says your dialogue seemed trite and forced. I would respond with, "So does yours." If he says the piece started out strong but faltered near the end, then say, "So do your stories, but they never even start out strong." Then accuse him of bigotry.

2. DYING BREATH - The critic begins with false praise, building up aspects of your writing when you know it's all really good. Then comes the smack: "I wasn't sure why you said the antagonist had been to law school, then showed him unable to read a parking sign." One short, sharp exhale coupled with an eye roll should back him off. If the critic persists, let the breaths grow longer and louder while staring a hole in the ceiling. Then accuse him of hating The Other.

3. BTW EXPRESS - Say your critic questions why you wrote the story all in caps. Nod as if considering a measured response, then say,"My soul is in a jar far from here. I can't tell you where or you'll dig it up and own me like a red-haired step child. Did you have more criticism?" Usually that's a stopper. But if your critic is self-willed and continues, hear him out then say, "People often think I have elephantitis because my testicles are so huge." (Women adjust as necessary.) Later, leave an anonymous tip for the cops that your critic is killing the homeless in order to make a 'hobo suit.' I'll bet your continued use of caps will be just fine and dandy.

Spielberg and Warners

A lot to remember over at Cartoonatics as Tom Ruegger shares a photo from back in the day featuring Spielberg, Jean MacCurdy, Bruce Timm and more from 1993.

On The Ice Review Up at F.O.G.

I review my third Alaska movie this year. THREE! When will the film industry find another state? There are 49 left plus Puerto Rico (which is a territory.) Kindly pick one.

I like Alaska movies.

I review them here all the time.

There’s something about the frozen north that touches a primal chord, making me rue the day I traded dynamite whaling for reviewing films.

Call it Man vs. Blubber, but these features always deliver a satisfying kick.

Except for On The Ice.

This latest exploration of the Last Frontier is less a feature and more a quilt of films about Alaskan fauna. And that’s because it was so cold the filmmakers didn’t get enough coverage.

More is present in written form with links right here.

Perfect Sense Review Up at F.O.G.

Where I examine how set decorating is EVERYTHING in a motion picture.

A simple apocalyptic story interwoven with gossamer threads of complexity?

Or a curt dismissal of audience expectations regarding cooks and kitchens?

Director David MacKenzie’s love story set in a crumbling world relies on safe character tropes such as the attractive female scientist and the cook who looks like Ewan McGregor.

But despite the protagonists’ likeability there is a disdain for the audience involving kitchens that startled and upset me like a burning mime.

An acre more of review right here.