Friday, January 12, 2018

Fast-Food Robots to Write Animaniacs


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Studios Confident in Controversial Decision


Robots originally designed for a hot dog chain will be reprogrammed to write new episodes of Animaniacs. "Officially, this is unofficial," said industry insider Tony Hurl. "But the studios are really amped over this perfect synergy of technology and creativity."

According to sources, the Osprey Meat Company ("We Make Hot Dogs from Birds") decided against expanding their brand into California due to high taxes. That left the firm saddled with nine Golem-5 Public Interface Units. Popular in Ecuador and parts of the Rocky Mountains, the Golem-5s interact with the public, taking customer orders and upselling specials of the day.

Said Hurl, "Certain Hollywood big shots heard the 'bots were available and snatched them away from Burger King. I mean, these are sophisticated machines with a pretty fair vocabulary. Studio tech staff were confident they could reprogram a Golem-5 from saying, 'Would you care for additional onion rings?' to 'Faboo,' or 'Of course I'm cute,' or 'That'll leave a mark.'"

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Reports indicate that Osprey Meat Company is negotiating to partner with Warner Bros. and Amblin. Hurl thought such a move likely, citing marketing potential. "Imagine the end of a Pinky and the Brain episode:
Pinky: What'll we do tomorrow night, Brain?
Brain: The same thing we do every night, Pinky: enjoy a fine Osprey Hot Dog with additional onion rings."

While the Golem-5s are a substantial upfront cost, Hurl believes the studios can amortize the outlay over several years via the elimination of writing staff salaries. "It's in the cards," said Hurl, "Eventually, robots will replace the entire crew of an animated show except for executives, junior executives, and executive assistants. Maybe the receptionist, but don't count on it."

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8 comments:

Tom Ruegger said...

Funniest thing I've read in at least a year! Thanks John!

takineko said...

This is sassy and i love it

Johanna PoirotFan_FictionFan said...

Oh, PLEASE tell me you're joking! This sounds like a cockamamie scheme BRAIN dreamed up!

Johanna: EGAD! 😱

JP: Johanna, are you pondering what I'm pondering?

Johanna: I think so, JP, but if you get out of a product what you put into it, I fear Animaniacs may trump THE ROOM for worst-written...ANYTHING! On the GOOD side however, you could well write a book about this atrocity and get a best seller out of it. TROZ!😢🤯 POIT!

JP Mac said...

It's hard to say if where the truth lies as the studios are being very
opaque about specifics.

At least they aren't considering using HAL.

JP Mac said...

Thanks, takineko.

I'm hoping to follow up with an account of the first
story meeting.

JP Mac said...

Glad you liked it, Tom.

It's possible the studios may add another
Warner sibling shaped like an onion ring.

Johanna PoirotFan_FictionFan said...

What or who is HAL? Yikes! This is sooo weird, but you're right. It might be too soon to get alarmed about what could be nothing more than a rumor. To write for characters as zany as the Warners, et ensemble, PEOPLE need to be part of the equation.

The computer or robot factor reminds me of something I read in 1984, where there was a machine to write songs. Creepy! We are creating machines that deprive us of jobs. Yuh. That makes SOOOO much sense.

I know, I KNOW...this argument has been had since the advent of computers. But YISH ! I can't imagine a computer /robot being able to write lines or songs that have graced the Warner repitoire since...TINY TOONS!

But what's that old saying, "You get what you pay for." And if the new channel is willing to cut corners to save bucks, they aren't gonna get the QUALITY and that will hurt their bottom line. More importantly, it will PISS OFF fans of the original series. Kinda counter productive. Troz!

JP Mac said...

If you get the chance, watch the film 2001.

As for computers, we may be the ones shaping our thinking to match the technology.

Not a pleasant thought.