Flush Fiction Contest

America's favorite bathroom reader teeters on the edge of release. My short story "Fresh Ideas" resides within the book's papery grasp.

I will have a spare copy of Uncle John's to dispense, thanks to marketing largess.

Write and tell me what reading in the bathroom has meant to you over the years.

The winner will receive a free copy of the latest edition of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader signed by me. ME!

Deadline is Tue. April 17, so get your porcelain tales in by then.

UPDATE: Send your entries to
Subject Line: Flush Fiction Contest
c/o tiempohablar@yahoo.co.uk

Goon Review Up at F.O.G.

I'm a sucker for brutal dumb guy films.

The Deep Blue Sea Review Up at F.O.G.

Now you'll understand my fury. Now you'll see what has wretched my innards and set my guts a'roiling. You'll read about it here. And you'll know.

Tomorrow on 'Reviews of Films I've Never Seen'

I'm afraid I lose my temper a bit with the makers of The Deep Blue Sea. (The title alone should be a give-away.) The disrespect shown to previous films in other genres really caused me to unload. The squandering of top talent; the fumbled opportunities. It was like watching Laurel and Hardy disarm the atom bomb. You know what's going to happen but are powerless to intervene. I've just placed the finished review in queue and am having an Alka-Seltzer with a Tang chaser. Oh, what a morning and early afternoon I have endured. Read it all Thursday at Forces of Geek.

Image: Jay in VA

I Review a Movie I Have Never Seen at F.O.G.

And never will see. But this is a labor saving method for both of us, as I'm sure you'll agree.

Overthought Reviews Name Change

While talking today with Tom Ruegger about my weekly Forces of Geek film review, it arose that my column handle no longer fit. My reviews are not 'overthought' so much as 'ill-thought' or 'not thought out at all.'

And so editor Stefan Blitz has signed off on my new title: "Reviews of Movies I Have Never Seen." This is closer to the mark. I haven't seen any of the seventeen films I've reviewed since last year. And, at this stage, I don't even bother watching the trailers anymore. I'm just going to make up stuff anyway.

Tomorrow I review Nicholas Cage's latest venture, Seeking Justice. It's not at all bad. Stop by and see for yourself. It won't take long. Because if I'm not going to watch the film, I won't subsequently waste your time and mine typing 700 words of pseudo-critical boilerplate. You'll sorta know what the movie is about and who was in it and that should be enough.

My Favorite Giraffe

A brief video I shot up in Sonoma last year while we vacationed with my sister and her truck-driving husband. Here in the middle of northern California's wine country is a very cool wild animal park. And it's filled with mostly cool wild animals including rhinos and truculent, but near-sighted, cape buffalo. Watch and learn about the noble giraffe.

Forces of Geek: we like pop culture: SILENT HOUSE — Japanese Game Show Won't Translate to Film

Forces of Geek: we like pop culture: SILENT HOUSE — Japanese Game Show Won't Translate to Film

'Knitter's Gift' to Kindle; 'Dagon and Jill' to eBook

So many updates, so much time.

From my written past, The Knitter's Gift has migrated to Kindle. Contained within is my essay, "The Big Sweater," my first non-fiction published piece. (Thanks to editor, Bernadette Murphy.) If you like knitting, and you especially like big knitted sweaters, then this could be your eBook.

Short story "Dagon and Jill" has been accepted into Wildside Press' Megapack Series. This eBook will be released sometime this year.

Also, I've taken all my "Unreasonable Doubt" jury duty posts from last September, polished them to a high gloss, cut out about a thousand words and sent the essay off to a magazine specializing in essays or "creative non-fiction" as it's called nowadays. Hopefully, that story will find a caring home and be allowed to stay up late and watch cable.

Another story, "Death Honk," about how far a man will go for work, has been sent out to a publication that bares no ill-will to reprints.

I've also finished and submitted a brand new short story, "Bummed Out." This would be my first venture outside comedy, horror, both, or bizzare things. I guess you might label it a suspense thriller about brutal teenagers learning their fun isn't always jolly for others—and vice versa.

Idleness? I think not.
Image: Kotaku

The Lorax IS Wilford Brimley

Here is proof and here is my review.

How to Poorly Handle Writing Criticism

For writers, criticism goes with the computer and the coffee mug. However, in most cases, you're better off considering it all bad, hence synonymous with a personal attack. Here are a three easy-to-learn techniques that'll keep critics at a safe distance.

1. THE MIRROR - Suppose a critic says your dialogue seemed trite and forced. I would respond with, "So does yours." If he says the piece started out strong but faltered near the end, then say, "So do your stories, but they never even start out strong." Then accuse him of bigotry.

2. DYING BREATH - The critic begins with false praise, building up aspects of your writing when you know it's all really good. Then comes the smack: "I wasn't sure why you said the antagonist had been to law school, then showed him unable to read a parking sign." One short, sharp exhale coupled with an eye roll should back him off. If the critic persists, let the breaths grow longer and louder while staring a hole in the ceiling. Then accuse him of hating The Other.

3. BTW EXPRESS - Say your critic questions why you wrote the story all in caps. Nod as if considering a measured response, then say,"My soul is in a jar far from here. I can't tell you where or you'll dig it up and own me like a red-haired step child. Did you have more criticism?" Usually that's a stopper. But if your critic is self-willed and continues, hear him out then say, "People often think I have elephantitis because my testicles are so huge." (Women adjust as necessary.) Later, leave an anonymous tip for the cops that your critic is killing the homeless in order to make a 'hobo suit.' I'll bet your continued use of caps will be just fine and dandy.