Wonderful Residuals From the Continent of Europe!

Later today, a story of munificence bestowed upon me courtesy of many European countries. They may be broke, but they did all right by me.

Plus reviews will return this week to F.O.G. after writing chores derailed them.

There will be a good review of...?

Perhaps you should choose.

Pick a film opening this Friday and I will review it sight unseen.

For that is my craft.

The Assault Review Up at F.O.G.

Normally, I sup up French cinema but this time the Frenchies double-crossed me. Learn why here today.

Vonnegut Notes on Short-Story Writing

Tom Ruegger sent me these eight thoughts from Kurt Vonnegut on short story writing.

1. Use the time of a total stranger in such a way that he or she will not feel the time was wasted.
2. Give the reader at least one character he or she can root for.
3. Every character should want something, even if it is only a glass of water.
4. Every sentence must do one of two things—reveal character or advance the action.

5. Start as close to the end as possible.
6. Be a Sadist. No matter how sweet and innocent your leading characters, make awful things happen to them—in order that the reader may see what they are made of.
7. Write to please just one person. If you open a window and make love to the world, so to speak, your story will get pneumonia.
8. Give your readers as much information as possible as soon as possible. To hell with suspense. Readers should have such complete understanding of what is going on, where and why, that they could finish the story themselves, should cockroaches eat the last few pages.

via The Atlantic
Image: TV Tropes

Flush Fiction Contest

America's favorite bathroom reader teeters on the edge of release. My short story "Fresh Ideas" resides within the book's papery grasp.

I will have a spare copy of Uncle John's to dispense, thanks to marketing largess.

Write and tell me what reading in the bathroom has meant to you over the years.

The winner will receive a free copy of the latest edition of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader signed by me. ME!

Deadline is Tue. April 17, so get your porcelain tales in by then.

UPDATE: Send your entries to
Subject Line: Flush Fiction Contest
c/o tiempohablar@yahoo.co.uk

Goon Review Up at F.O.G.

I'm a sucker for brutal dumb guy films.

The Deep Blue Sea Review Up at F.O.G.

Now you'll understand my fury. Now you'll see what has wretched my innards and set my guts a'roiling. You'll read about it here. And you'll know.

Tomorrow on 'Reviews of Films I've Never Seen'

I'm afraid I lose my temper a bit with the makers of The Deep Blue Sea. (The title alone should be a give-away.) The disrespect shown to previous films in other genres really caused me to unload. The squandering of top talent; the fumbled opportunities. It was like watching Laurel and Hardy disarm the atom bomb. You know what's going to happen but are powerless to intervene. I've just placed the finished review in queue and am having an Alka-Seltzer with a Tang chaser. Oh, what a morning and early afternoon I have endured. Read it all Thursday at Forces of Geek.

Image: Jay in VA

I Review a Movie I Have Never Seen at F.O.G.

And never will see. But this is a labor saving method for both of us, as I'm sure you'll agree.

Overthought Reviews Name Change

While talking today with Tom Ruegger about my weekly Forces of Geek film review, it arose that my column handle no longer fit. My reviews are not 'overthought' so much as 'ill-thought' or 'not thought out at all.'

And so editor Stefan Blitz has signed off on my new title: "Reviews of Movies I Have Never Seen." This is closer to the mark. I haven't seen any of the seventeen films I've reviewed since last year. And, at this stage, I don't even bother watching the trailers anymore. I'm just going to make up stuff anyway.

Tomorrow I review Nicholas Cage's latest venture, Seeking Justice. It's not at all bad. Stop by and see for yourself. It won't take long. Because if I'm not going to watch the film, I won't subsequently waste your time and mine typing 700 words of pseudo-critical boilerplate. You'll sorta know what the movie is about and who was in it and that should be enough.

My Favorite Giraffe

A brief video I shot up in Sonoma last year while we vacationed with my sister and her truck-driving husband. Here in the middle of northern California's wine country is a very cool wild animal park. And it's filled with mostly cool wild animals including rhinos and truculent, but near-sighted, cape buffalo. Watch and learn about the noble giraffe.

Forces of Geek: we like pop culture: SILENT HOUSE — Japanese Game Show Won't Translate to Film

Forces of Geek: we like pop culture: SILENT HOUSE — Japanese Game Show Won't Translate to Film