Gilbert Gottfried Reads '50 Shades'

h/t: Jest-What's Funny Today

Meanwhile, I'm stuck "in review," awaiting Amazon to approve my parody eBook. This is the most pre-publicity I've done on a launch and now Amazon hangs me up. Come on, guys. Set it free.

Kardashian Luvs '50 Shades'

A private film screening. A celebrity. An opinion. And that opinion is 'So hot!' Thus does Kim Kardashian pronounce her thoughts on the screen version of Fifty Shades of Grey. Click on the link and see the new trailer.

Tomorrow Fifty Shades of Zane Grey, my E.L. James parody set in the Old West, goes live on Amazon.com, also available on my Amazon author page. There will be lip biting, murmuring, and raids by the Sioux.

Below Will Ferrell and Zack Galifianakis take a shot at reading the best-selling, erotic novel bound for the big screen next Friday.

h/t: S T Media 

Friends in Hell Podcast

Here is the podcast, thanks to the generosity of Kevinn Gomez, a busy young guy aiming to make a mark in animation. I believe he will.

Friends in Hell Podcast Plus

Today at 4:30 PM Pacific Time, I will again be chatting with podcaster Kevinn Gomez. I have no idea what he'll ask, but I shall answer in some fashion and off we go.

TV animation writing has picked up. I have an assignment for Thomas Edison's Secret Lab and await a premise for Tom Ruegger on 7D.

Chapters from 50 Shades of Zane Grey are arriving hot off the copy editor's screen. We're looking at a launch next Friday, Feb. 6 at Amazon Kindle. So break out your e readers and stand by. I'll post a link to the book page as soon as Amazon vets my version. Or you can always check out my Amazon Author page.

Be chipper in all your tasks this day.

Thomas Edison's Secret Lab and friends. More info at kidscreen.

TVIT with Actor Tom Wilson

wallpaperkid

My bad, but Wednesday night saw edition five of That Voiceover Improv Thing casting forth it's laugh net over our fine web. Featuring voice over artists performing an hour of comedy improv, the podcast featured guest Tom Wilson. Because you did not laugh Wednesday night does not mean you cannot laugh tonight, a Sunday, a slow night for laughs. Take advantage of podcasting technology and listen in.

50ZG Almost Finished

Thanks to beta reader Ken for pointing out the stinking obvious: my parody of 50 Shades had morphed into two books. There was the straight ahead mocking of the 50 Shades protagonist and author E. L. James clunky, trite writing style. Then there was an old west story of corruption, ineptitude, and arrogance centered around a newspaper, a railroad and an Indian uprising that featured drama, action, betrayal, but few laughs.

I'm better now. I have culled out the 50 Shades material and am polishing it up for release in two weeks. Today that's a bit over 30,000 words or 100 pages. No soft cover. Ebook only.

But I'm keeping all the old west stuff because it could easily be a separate book. Friend and fellow bibliophile Dan lent me Cormac McCarthy's Blood Meridian. I don't know if that's the right model, but I'm taking a look at a few contemporary westerns to see how authors are tackling the genre now days. Of course, there are the old standbys such as Louis L'Amour and early Elmore Leonard.

Come Friday, January 30, I return to podcast Friends in Hell with host Kevinn Gomez. We will discuss—I don't know—50 Shades of Zane Grey, TV animation, my recent health issues, and whatever else strikes our fancy. More updates here on this very blog.

Rough Edges

Medical Billing Muck + 50ZG Update

Ah, the rich life of poor health.

Take this prescription to your pharmacy, go back for a refill, get charged full price, call the health insurance, wither on a phone tree, be shunted to dead ends, check their web site and learn there's no way to ask a question that isn't in the FAQ. Call back, dangle like a Christmas ornament on the phone tree, finally learn that you must obtain a document from your doctor to get a refill on medication. Punt to the doctor's insurance team. They must have a nurse sign off on the request. Check back and learn the nurse has placed said request in the pipeline. Ten days later receive an OK from the insurance.

This is what I face in the morning before writing a single word.

Okay, on to '50 Shades.' With less than a month to go, I have the home stretch in sight. Beta readers are devouring the early chapters. But a big tubby question remains:

Will readers care for a book mocking a best-seller if they aren't familiar with the original?

And who in the name of triangular crackers is Zane Grey?

My wife suggested I write a forward, explain that Grey, King of Western Sagas, wrote last century and left behind an experimental novel exploring psychological disorders, sexual awakening and Indian attacks set in the Old West. I have obtained a copy and ask the reader to note the similarities between this book and E. L. James' 50 Shades of Grey trilogy.

Might be too many elements piled too high for the casual reader.

However, I'm pressing on because it will be my first completed fiction novel. Like any parent, I love my child, even the misshapen ugly ones.

Here's my latest salute to 50 Shades.


h/t: Movieclips

Charlie Hebdo Hit For Killer Satire

"100 lashes if you don't die laughing."

A long history of snark and disrespect finally doomed the editorial staff of French satirical magazine Charlie Hebdo. Two killers shot cops, then broke into the magazine's Paris offices and murdered the editor and other cartoonists.

Afterwards, pronouncing "the Prophet Muhammad avenged," the pair fled, pausing only to execute a wounded cop on the sidewalk. The killers are still at large.

If Charlie Hebdo had only mocked the Amish . . .

Radical Islam's tactic of kill-the-artist-silence-the-critic really got rolling twenty-six years ago when Salman Rushdie's novel, The Satanic Verses cheesed off the theocrat running Iran. In fact, Rushdie continues to cheese off contemporary theocrats. According to a Daily Mail article from last year:

"The Iranian clergy has revived Salmen Rushdie's death fatwa [Islamic religious decree]  25 years after it was issued over his blasphemous 'Satanic Verses.

On February 14, 1989, Ayatollah Ruhollah Khomeini called on all Muslims to murder the award-winning author and anyone involved in the publication of his work.

This Friday, senior cleric Ahmad Khatami reminded worshippers at the Tehran Friday prayer that the 'historical fatwa' is as fresh as ever.'

Big whoop. Some crank with a beard far away said some words. Who cares?

"The religious ruling forced the award-winning writer into hiding . . . Hitoshi Igarashi, the Japanese translator, was stabbed to death in the face at work, a Norwegian publisher shot and an Italian publisher knifed."

What if Rushdie finally apologizes for causing offense? Would that be cool?

"[Cleric Khatami] added that even if Rushdie repents, it will not affect the sentence."

And, to sweeten the pot, there's a 3.3 million dollar bounty on Rusdie's head.

More recently, we had a Danish cartoonist who drew a Muslim wearing a turban-bomb

The Augean Stables

that became linked with blaspheming Muhammad. Riots, protests, burned in effigy, you saw it all on TV—except for images of the offending cartoons. Artist Kurt Westergaard now exists under death threat, was attacked in his home by a ax-wielding Muslim seeking "revenge," and otherwise lives a far different life than he did before testing the limits of radial Islamic tolerance.

Animated TV hit South Park ran afoul of a group calling itself Revolution Muslim after the hit series aired a show where the characters agonize over how to bring Muhammad to town without actually showing him. A writer on the Revolution Muslim website warned show creators Matt Stone and Trey Parker that for insulting the Prophet they invited the same fate as Theo Van Gogh. A Dutch director, Van Gogh criticised Islam's treatment of woman in a film. In retaliation, a Muslim shot him down on an Amsterdam street and then slit Van Gogh's throat.

Comedy Central reacted to this threat against their employees and:

". . . added more bleeps to the episode than were in the version delivered by South Park Studios, and that it was not permitting the episode to be shown on the studio's Web site. Comedy Central did not broadcast a repeat of the new "South Park" episode at midnight as it usually does, and instead showed a previous episode from this season."

(Here is the unbleeped segment.)

In light of Comedy Central's self-censorship, a Seattle artist published a satirical cartoon in support of free speech and the First Amendment. The cartoon called for a 'Everybody Draw Mohammad Day.'

Wickipedia

Molly Norris was stunned as the Internet took up her call to depict the Prophet. (Some Facebook pages had 71,000 followers.) Norris tried to walk back her remarks, but found the Islamic death threats piling up like unpaid bills.

Free speech can equal fatwa.

And even if you're sorry, die infidel.

Upon FBI advice, Molly Norris self-disappeared, vanished from the life she'd known pre-cartoon.

Artists, writers, filmmakers, cartoonists; lives upended or ended; family and friends left behind or mourning with a hole that never fills. And our culture faces the withering away of artistic freedom as the undrawn, unwritten, unfilmed accumulate for fear of death from those who believe it good to slaughter blasphemers of their religion.

Do all Muslims hold to these views? No. Do some Muslims believe this? They sure do and today two of them acted on those beliefs.

What is the answer to this murderous evil?

To write, to film, to draw, to speak.

Especially if it cheeses off radical Islam.

The Road Review

The Road by Cormac McCarthy
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

Spare, no frills dystopian fiction about a man and his son wandering in a barren post-apocalyptic world, where the food shelves have been picked clean and life's career choices have narrowed to expert scrounger or cannibal. The protagonist slogs through this dark realm, desperate to infuse his young son with survival skills, and, more importantly, a sense of what "good guys" do.

McCarthy's lean prose borders on the poetic and the lack of backstory infuses the narrative with a grim immediacy. In this place there are no small deals and an incautious act can lead to a horrid end. And yet the boy, who never knew the old world, retains a spark of hospitality and humanity toward other survivors that his beleaguered father often jettisons in fear.  

On a journey to the sea, the characters lead us on a dour emotional experience. And yet the book closes on the one item left at the bottom of Pandora's Box—hope. A sobering read.


View all my reviews

Sony Hack Inside Job?

Image: Ship of Fools

Well, I was certainly quick off the mark in blaming the Norks and shaming Sony. But now information has surfaced that Sony may well have been hacked by a laid-off employee and certain disgruntled members of the hacking community.

This is the view of a Silicon Valley firm called Norse which provides intelligence to companies to prevent their software being hacked.

"Norse senior vice president Kurt Stammberger said the crime hinges on a woman he called 'Lena,' who he says worked in a 'key technical' position [at Sony] for 10 years but was sent packing in May during a large sweep of lay-offs."

As the new story goes, Lena sought revenge and hooked up with hackers for same.

However, other hands point to Russian and Chinese meddling.

And the FBI insists it's the same old Norks as before.

Read more at the Daily Mail.

h/t: Ace of Spades

Happy New Year and Mind the Social Media

A Happy New Year to all as I spend it safely indoors, counting on others to usher in 2015 with style, panache, and drunk fail videos for some 2015 You Tube compilation.

Writing continues at a frantic pace for a joint eBook-softcover release probably around the first week of February. If you're a resolution maker, here's one from a famous guy from back in the day.

h/t: Johnny Carson

Merry Christmas Santa—And Everyone Else!

An upbeat seasonal song on this special day, especially to my brother-in-law and cousins in the damp northwest, suffering from the flu. May your presents contain medicine. Merry Christmas!

h/t: Chrisrocks007

Last Second eBook Shopping

Christmas Eve and all is hopefully well. But if you still haven't hung your electronic stockings by the chimney with care then here are a few eBook options that'll brighten the faces of all ages and tastes. Good authors—I know them, including me—good writing and a few bargains mixed in make these works worth the click. Scroll on and, I say, Merry Christmas!

For whom the bell trolls!

Undrastormur: A Viking Tale of Troublesome 
Trolls 

How do you cope when trolls show up at your village with an appetite? In this short fantasy by TV animation writing ace Roger Eschbacher learn what young Erik must do to save his people. Suitable for young and old alike. Under a dollar. (That's .99 in Kindle-speak.)

Justice and fun in one rea

Jury Doody

Yes, this is by me and details my adventure on jury duty trying to tease out the truth in a bizarre case of spousal assault. Here is the real LA Law in a quick amusing read suitable for teens and up and available for under a dollar. Also available on Smashwords.

Offensive tales that attack.

Appalling Yarns

Unnoted recluse and veteran TV cameraman Dutch Heckman has assembled a collection of offbeat tales so dark they illuminate Black Holes. Read why Oscar is a likable ogre, and marvel at what happens to Risky Ventures when his luck runs out. Something to offend everyone. Adults only. $2.99.

Do you really want to check your cell phone at dinner?

Aunti Jodi's Helpful Hints

In a changing world, Aunti Jodi guides you through life's thickets with wit, humor, advice, and a glass of champagne—for her, that is. Jodie Adler's light-hearted look at mores and manners is the perfect gift for that special someone who really needs a hint. Suitable for teens and up. $4.99.

There's no place like om for the holidays.

  The Little Book of Big Enlightenment

Enjoy the fun as a guru and a marketing hack trade snark and barbs in the pages of the latest pop spirituality text detailing a path to instant  enlightenment. Who is Big Spirit? How do they benefit from stopping your rapid climb to the top of Mount Serenity? Once again, this one's mine and suitable for teens and up. $1.99. Also available at Smashwords.

50ZG Parody Progress

Zane Grey adding up his royalties back in the day.
(Image: bio)

As of yesterday, I've laid down 28,012 words and 89 pages of 50 Shades of Zane Grey. The five-page method makes writing in manageable chunks a breeze. Parts I through IV comprising the first chapter and a half are available for your perusal.

And while my title is catchy, Zane Grey, western novelist, and once the highest paid writer in the world, is as lost to contemporary life as analog phones and the western itself.  Over the next six weeks, I'll be laboring to reestablish the name Zane Grey with the western genre he did so much to pioneer—so to speak. Then wed Grey's world to the sultry titillation of E.L. James in the hopes of providing a few laughs in time for the mid-February film launch. What happens afterwards? While the vault of time holds this answer in abeyance, I only know I'm bound to proceed with my next book.

Until that golden day, behold a funny spoof of the '50 Shades' trailer. 


h/t: Spank!

Norks Denounce 50 Shades

In between dictating Hollywood release dates, Kim Jong-un relaxes with giant fake cheese.

Universal is scrabbling to deal with a threat from Kim Jong-un to unleash terror unless 50 Shades of Grey is yanked from release. Scheduled for a February 13, 2015 premier, the steamy sex pic is said to have irritated the communist dictator who was quoted as saying, "This film is not realistic. Women are not tied up and beaten unless they are political prisoners. Then they are killed with a flame thrower." Studio spokesperson Andy Stringcheesespine stated that no decision has yet been reached on whether  to comply with Pyongyang's demand, but added, "The right decision will be reached because Hollywood and courage are synonymous."
Image: Mirror

Update: December 24

The Interview will screen on Christmas Day despite threats from Kim Jong-un to starve his population.

Son of Update

Make that screening today. And congrats to Sony for showing grit and defying Dennis Rodman's dearest friend.

TVIT with Julianne Buescher

Image: katyanovablog

More mirth from Paul Rugg and friends as Julianne Buescher joined That Voice Over Improv Thing on Wednesday for fun and robust comedy. Also present, long time Animaniacs supporter Ron O'Dell and spouse, yelling out suggestions in a manner befitting a long-time supporter.

Five-Page Power Writing Tip

Image: Better Movement

New writing strategy as I press forward with 50 Shades of Zane Grey. I've broken my chapters up into threes and write in bursts of five pages. Not every chapter comes out to fifteen pages, but close enough. I find that five pages in a separate document limits my bad habit of drifting back to "fix" yesterday's stuff instead of pressing on. When I falter, it's only five pages.

Another plus is I can build mini-arcs into each five page packet, giving me tiny-cliffhangers within each chapter. Five is a very manageable number and I'm not frozen by the thought of how much further I have to go.

There's all kinds of ways of doing things and right now this is mine. I'm encouraged by how fast and how much I'm getting done. So far it beats word count as a daily metric.

Here is your Old West Word of the Day: GAY CAT—I know—defined as one who cases banks and towns for future jobs. (I'm sensing criminal activity here.) How language does change.

Painted Bird Review

The Painted Bird by Jerzy Kosiński
My rating: 3 of 5 stars

Cruelty and brutality follow a Jewish child hiding out with Polish peasants during the Second World War. Overworked, beaten, the boy often runs away only to find his next home is basically identical to the one he just escaped. Author Jerzy Kosinski, who survived German savagery in Eastern Europe, made his tale fictional because it "forces the reader to contribute: he does not simply compare [as in autobiography]; he actually enters a fictional role, expanding it in terms of his own experience, his own creative and imaginative powers."

That said, the story was indeed relentless in its violent depictions, highlighted by a ruthless German attack on a village and the stomach-turning barbarities inflicted on a helpless populace. But after a time, you're almost numbed to the horrors  because they're always there. In the aftermath of the war, we see Warsaw become Lord of the Flies at night as parentless children, used to living on their wits, run in gangs, taking what they will.

A raw look at a slice of the Second World War unknown to most Western readers. And while well-written, with a note of hope at the end, it batters you with humanities' dark side.


View all my reviews

Famous People Born 12/5

From December 5, 2011, I repost my birthday thoughts on fame and fortune. What have I learned in three years? A kind word opens many doors and that no man stands so tall as when he stoops to help a homunculus.






Thank you very much to all who have, so far, wished me Happy Birthday. In thinking of this day, I am reminded of several famous Americans who share my date of birth. I will list three and examine their accomplishments as compared to mine.

1. Martin Van Buren - b. Dec. 5, 1782

2. George Armstrong Custer - b. Dec. 5, 1839

3. Walt Disney - b. Dec. 5, 1901

4. John P. McCann - b. Dec. 5, 1952

1. Martin Van Buren succeeded greatly in becoming the 8th President of the United States but was hardly remembered even in his own day. He had a large bull frog stuffed and used as an ink well in the White House. However President Taft later sat on it by accident and they had to throw the thing out. That's about it.

2. George Armstrong Custer succeeded greatly as a soldier in the Civil War but had a mixed record fighting Indians. (1-1-2, I think.) He is best remembered for his spectacular fail at the Battle of the Little Big Horn. At first, everything was going well; then it all fell apart under an Indian tsunami. In later years, Custer had a park named after him as well as a monument and a movie where his part was played by Errol Flynn. That's a whole lot more than Van Buren ever got.

3. Walt Disney succeeded greatly in animation, a pioneer in the field, creator of iconic characters—but not the word 'iconic' which has been seized upon by junior execs.—established Disney studios and Disneyland and is fondly remembered to this day. Nonetheless his body is frozen in a vault beneath Disney's Burbank lot and should Walt be reanimated and start making decisions again it could effect his legacy.

4. John P. McCann was greatly successful as a Hollywood atmosphere player. McCann was the ship-board stand-in for a Canadian actor portraying Errol Flynn in My Wicked, Wicked Ways. In addition, he is visible catching Dennis Quaid's jacket at around 1:19 in a clip from Great Balls of Fire.
More successful in animation, McCann created the non-iconic character of The Huntsman. For the next fifteen years, he piggy-backed onto as many successful shows as his friends would allow. While the record is still being written, outsiders agree that McCann will be remembered by Bank of America and several other creditors who might reasonably feel aggrieved should he pass from the scene within the next several months.

Images: whitehouse.gov, Parcbench, fold3

Jesus' Son Review

Jesus' Son by Denis Johnson
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

Down and out in the Midwest, this collection of short stories invites you into the lives of addicts and petty criminals as they self-destruct, screw up the lives of those closest to them, and, in some cases, find hope. Denis Johnson's prose is a good mix of rich metaphors and sparse description as he walks us through the taverns, abandoned homes, and aging cars of his suffering protagonists.

The paperback edition is 160 pages and reads quickly as you encounter stories about losers who can't rid themselves of a physically powerful mute, a shooting that seems accidental and leads to the burden of an unwanted death, an addict Peeping Tom who really hopes to view a place for himself in the world. Overall, a good look at alienation, loneliness, and the expectancy of better days.

View all my reviews

7D Pick Up

Image: Disney 7D

Thus saith producer Tom Ruegger over at Cartoonatics. Disney has sprung for 39 more half hours, which translates into 78 shorts which translates into steady employment for many. Themes to be explored in the new season involve Dwarf rights, common sense magic control, and the strangling of democracy at the hands of imperialism by Queen Delightful and her little crown-wearing dog.

50 Shades as Read by Ellen

h/t: The Ellen Show

In the same spirit, 50 Shades of Zane Grey combines the steamy world of exotic sex with the Old West in a blend of leather, whips, and lariats, but all used differently in a satirical send-up of the best-selling trilogy.

Read Part I, II, III, and IV of 'Zane Grey' here on Write Enough! And look for the complete eBook and softcover versions on Amazon in February, right in time for the '50 Shades' film premiere.

Best Black Friday Deals from i09

On your mark, get set, Christmas shop! i09 presents update deals for the early birds—those not eaten today, that is. According to i09:

"The deals below are confirmed, and we've vetted them for quality. We'll be hyperlinking as they go live, replacing deals with better ones, adding price matches, and of course adding lots more, so stay tuned."

Choose from items such as:

• 30% off ANY BOOK on Amazon with code HOLIDAY30, $10 max discount, one use per account
• Get a $20-$50 Amazon gift card with SONOS components, including the PLAYBAR, read more here
• GoPro Hero4 Silver ($400) | Amazon | Plus $50 Gift Card and 32GB MicroSD Card
• Seagate Backup Plus 5TB External ($130) | eBay | Read more here
• PS4 Console + GTA V and The Last of Us ($399) | Best Buy

Review of Catastrophe 1914

Catastrophe 1914: Europe Goes to War by Max Hastings
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

Fascinating look at the first five months of World War I. Hastings touches on action in Eastern and Western Europe as well as the Balkans, war in the air, and the conflict at sea. Though long, this is very readable and accessible to non-history buffs, covering in detail the amazing slaughter that occurred as a result of defensive weapons and tactics having advanced more than the offense. Outdated plans, poor generals, and an unwillingness to rapidly adapt to changing circumstances also added to the carnage.

Hastings' research contradicts popular notions of the conflict, such as that the enormous casualties could have been avoided, or that sensible heads might've prevailed that first winter and brought about peace. He points out the fate of occupied France and Belgium under the Germans—deportations, property confiscation, executions—to make a case for the Allied cause.

An excellent book for the 100th anniversary of a war that forever changed Europe.


View all my reviews

Mo LaMarche Sings P&B

Yeeees, he does sing the Pinky and the Brain theme songover at Craig Cumpton's Voice Actors in the News. See Mo and puppeteer Victor Yerrid engage, reflect, muse for no cost but the time it takes you to enjoy. As an act of balance, here is "Pinky" Rob Paulsen singing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle theme song with the very same puppet guy.

puppetsnshit